I wanna hear your jokes

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here's some of mine: A dustman knocks on a door and there is no answer, so he waits a couple of minutes and knocks again, after another minute a japanese guy answers the door. "harro" says the jap, dustman: where's ya bin?
jap: I bin on the loo
dustman: no mate, where's ya dustbin?
jap: yeah, I dustbin on the loo
dustman: no, no mate where's ya wheelie bin?
jap: ok, ok, I wheelie bin havin a w*k!



What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?
: Angus McCoatup


A man's at the doctor's, and the doctor says " I want you to stop w*king"
man: what, will it affect my eye sight
doctor: no, you're upsetting the other patients!


A guy goes into a bar and says "i'll have an orange please"
barman: what still orange?
guy: yes, I haven't changed my mind yet!


A man walks into a bar and sees a monkey in a cage. He asks the bartender "what does he do?"
the barman says "i'll show you." He opens the cage door, hits the monkey on the head with a cricket bat and the monkey gives him oral sex.
The man is amazed and the bartender says "you want to have a go?"
"definately" says the man, "but don't hit me so hard!"

Yo momma's so poor somebody threw a cigarette through her window and she started singing, "Clap your hands stomp your feet praise the Lord cause we got heat!"

Yo momma's so ugly when she was born her mother said "what a treasure!" and her father said "yeah let's go bury it."

I nearly peed my pants when I read this one.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Two ditch-diggers were digging a ditch. It was a very hot day, so their boss had found a spot nearby under the shade of a tree. The workers paused for a moment of rest, and one of them looked back at his boss, sipping lemonade and reclining against the tree. He turned to his friend and said, "now why is that we have to dig this ditch all day while he sits up there in the shade, drinking lemonade?"
"I dunno"
"I don't think its fair at all. Why don't you go ask him?"
So his friend climbed out of the ditch and approached his boss. "How come we have to work all day, while you sit here and do nothing?"
"Intelligence," he said.
"Ok, well, whats that?"
"Here, I'll show you." He put his hand on the tree and said, "I want you to punch my hand with everything you've got." The worker took a mighty swing, and at the last second, the hand pulled away and he struck the tree.
"That really hurt, why did you move your hand?"
"Thats intelligence."
"Oooh, ok."
So he went back down into the ditch, and his friend asked him what the boss said.
"He said we're here because of intelligence."
"What do you mean?"
"Here, I'll show you." He put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand as hard as you can."

There was a farmer who owned a donkey, but the donkey one day suddenly died. So the farmer told his neighbor, "I'm going to raffle off this donkey at $2 per ticket!" His neighbor said to him, "But won't they be upset that the donkey is dead?" The farmer replied, "No worries, I just won't tell them that it's dead." The neighbor thought, "Alright, your call."

It was two weeks later, and the farmer sold raffle tickets for the donkey. The neighbor came to check up on the farmer and asked him, "Well, how'd the raffle go?" The farmer replied, "Great! I sold 250 tickets and got myself $500! Great, isn't it?" His neighbor then asked, "But what did the winner say when he found out the donkey he won was dead?" Then the farmer answered him, "Oh well, he was very upset, but no worries--I gave him his $2 back."

A man went to see his doctor about a pain in his arm. The doctor was busy, but the nurse offered to let him use a new automatic diagnostic device.

"How's it work?" the man asked.

"Well," the nurse replied, "just pee into this sample device, pour it into the machine, and it'll tell you what's wrong."

The man was skeptical, but he followed the instructions. After a few minutes of humming, the machine spat out a printout that said, "You have tennis elow."

"Tennis elbow?" the man asked. "How can it possibly find 'tennis elbow' from a urine sample?"

"All I know is, the machine is never wrong!" the nurse said.

The man took an extra sample container and went home, determined to show the machine up. He managed to collect urine samples from his wife, his daughter, and his dog; he drained some oil from the crankcase of his car; and he masturbated into the container. The next day, he went back and put the sample into the machine. It hummed, then chugged, then spat sparks, and finally produced a printout:

"Your wife is having an affair with the mailman, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has worms, your car needs a tuneup, and if you don't stop playing with yourself, you'll never get over that tennis elbow!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

Bartender: What's with the steering wheel?

Pirate: Arr, it's driving me nuts!

how hi is a chinaman?
Say it right it sounds like how high is a chinaman and people try to reply in height

how hi is a chinaman?
Say it right it sounds like how high is a chinaman and people try to reply in height

A drunk drives down the road with his wife. He pulls over by a church where a priest was outside. The drunk steps out of the car and walks up o the priest. The priests says "My son! Have you found Jesus?" And the drunk replies "No." So the priest grabs his head and dunks him under water, to baptise him. He pulled the drunk up and asks "Have you found Jesus now?" The drunk says "No." So the priests dunks him under water for about ten seconds before bringing him back up. "Have you found Jesus now??" the priest asks. The drunk replies "No!" By now, the priest was quite angry. So he dinked him under water for about thirty seconds before bringing him back up. "Have you found Jesus now?!" the priest asked angrily. And the drunk replies "No. Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

So, this baby seal walks into a club...

The little old cat lady is rocking on her porch. She is granted three wishes. She said, "I wish to be rich, I want to be pretty and that my cat was a handsome Prince."

She found herself rich beyond her wildest dreams, very beautiful and had the handsomest man in the world next to her.

"Say something to me," the old lady said to her handsome Prince.

"Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

How do you make a tissue dance?

answer = put a little bogey into it.

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Two drunks walk into a bar....but really...wouldn't you walk out of a bar, drunk?

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Here are just some little things I think are funny...

Paper boys aren't made of paper.

You can't ride a menstural cycle.

Steam rollers don't roll steam.

Letter Boxes don't box letters.