Hey, I'm posting here at the suggestion of somebody else. I have no idea whether I have Asperger's or not. Maybe some of you can be the judge. I would suspect I'm not, but I am however a very odd person loaded with very odd ideas. I'm very disconnected from the human race now, and fear for myself greatly on a regular basis. I've got a lot of scary notions planted in my head, which may or may not be the reality. I've basically observed from the sidelines quite a bit and have enough experience of my own interacting (as much as my memory serves me, back when I was fairly normal-functioning person) to where I've noticed many hypocrisies in people - stuff I believe that's very often overlooked by people...or maybe not for some of the people on these boards. (This will be more of a tell-all than an introduction.) This post will probably be riddled with inaccuracies, assumptions, self-indulgent rambling, and stupidity. For that I deeply apologize.
Here's why I don't feel I have Asperger's. I have no problems at all detecting sarcasm, I notice very subtle details in body language sometimes, and I'm very capable of holding a conversation, albeit not well. I will say I have occasional problems with eye contact; I start to become self-conscious. I was told by someone it's possible that I might have it, as my way of thinking was very similar to theirs. I really don't know much about it, and what varying degrees of it there are. But I will say interaction is becoming an extreme chore and life is looking increasingly less hopeful based on new thoughts that have been popping into my head. So, if any of the intelligent members on this forum who might have similar thoughts would shed some insight or provide some solutions to my problems , that would be great. Even though I know nobody is responsible for doing so.
I've noticed very annoying patterns in people, and I'm deeply deeply sad that I may never see a change. I just have my fingers crossed that I'll find some medication that will make me content with the insanity I observe frequently. Or some new understanding of the world will suddenly fall into my hands. I worry that some ideas will never resonate with humans because of their ignorance, and sometimes fear that things will never work out for the best. I basically see human nature as being on auto-drive, therefor certain ideas will bounce off of people because of a biological stubborness. The way of the world will continue, and I can't imagine any new thoughts causing some kind of paradigm shift anytime soon. The world's problems (or at least problems from my perspective), so I need to accommodate the reality I would guess. Or perhaps I'm just very misinformed and seeing all the wrong information that people who function normally see.
I can't begin to tell you how bizarre of a feeling it was to realize that there are no real heros and everyone is just as susceptible to infallibility as everyone else. I always had this preconceived notion that there was some objective truth and there were others who were in on the secret, and that people I looked up to had more of an intellectual grasp of concepts that I was unaware of. Now it's sort of like I'm seeing the world for the first time, thrown into a sea full of insane opinions with a mind of my own that interprets things way differently and sees through the BS that people spout off on a frequent basis. It's very frightening and unnerving in the sense that I don't feel like I really have a safe haven anymore - I'm basically someone unable to defend himself intellectually with no home to go to because I'm viewing things through an unfiltered lense. I now know there are people manipulating me on a subtle level, and in the past I was oblivious to it. For instance I know based on great experience that humor is a doorway to controlling people. I've watched closely at how people let things slip through the cracks when humor/positivity is being fed to them, and how they are more suggestible to doing actions you tell them to when under the influence of laughter or when certain ideas are expressed a certain way or said a certain way. People are oblivious to how they are being manipulated, even if it's seemingly in a playful way. I've taken advantage of it, just to get what I want in many cases.
More humor = more attention for me
I've also discovered that instilling fear in people in a subtle fashion is also another very good way of making people admire you. Ignoring people makes them want win you over. I've also noticed that if you wield concepts and ideas that nobody really knows about they crack under the assumption that they might have to know the information. I've watched all these subtle ways people guilt-trip others. The words you say and the subject matter you talk about may also instill fear in others or make the attention avert to you more, but this is obvious. But I've noticed how profanities or things that people seem to view as a down-to-earth quality are a type of shock device or heighten the impact of what you say; you can scare people just by wielding certain words. Speaking about abstract concepts outside of someone's understanding - since I notice that abstract-thinking isn't very common amongst people I come across, is another way to make people think you know what you're talking about it, even if there were an element of untruth to it.
I've also noticed that pointing out flaws beforehand, lessens the chance that someone will speak negatively of it. Pointing out criticisms beforehand is a very effective tactic I think (for me anyways). Also having a cynical register or tone that conveys negativity in your voice is effective in revealing that you have control. As a teenager, somehow less emotion in your voice = cooler. For some reason displaying too much exuberance shows some weakness.
Making remarks in deadpan is a way of showing your clever. Scathing wit, particularly a kind that has a target, is a trait that people gravitate to a lot. Again, I would imagine it's another display of intellectualism that people feel the need to cop to.
I've always had great difficulty understanding speech structure (even though I can mimic it quite well sometimes) - or I mean to say I've never really understood the reason people say things the way they do. I've detected patterns which I copy quite frequently, but I'm never really sure why people say things the way they do, or how people have so much to say. It confuses me a lot. I have always interpreted things with strong emotions - and while I'm by no means uncontrollably hypersensitive - I'm just now beginning to wake up to the idea that people interpret emotion WAY differently than I do, and they're on a different wavelength than I am.
I definitely do seem to think in terms of black and white. As one person put it, "there's no in-between". I can recall a time when conversation was easier and at least had more subtleties to it, but I was always introverted, but capable of being extroverted. I've become jaded and desensitized and no longer have many emotions. I can channel emotion that makes me happy and I can become exceedingly happy when I get approbation/laughs/etc., but a great deal of the time I'm left with this feeling of emptiness. It must be similar to what a sociopath feels, and I've become quite adept at compartmentalizing. Art and cinema/visual scenarios in my mind are the only things that really prompt any different feelings.
As of lately, however, I've been genuinely depressed. I'm incredibly confused - and I hate to use the word 'confused' because it conjures imagery of an angst-riddled, cookie-cutter idea of a teenager (I despise being associated with anything weak, and I DEPLORE anyone trying to feel as if they have me pegged in some way). What I'm confused about mainly is what the hell gets people through the day? What are people feeling? It bugs me to no end, because people are always extremely vague and unclear when you display any feelings of interest towards serious subjects. Everything MUST be couched in humor at all times. I personally would never display great emotion in front of a stranger, as I'm so deeply afraid of showing weakness. If people are like me - which I suspect they are in some ways - they perhaps get sort of a superior rush out of people who are downtrodden; a feeling of smugness because your life is comparatively better.
I feel that's what people mostly are: voyeuristic beasts mainly. We're perhaps in a higher state of evolution where we display more empathy but I still see an INCREDIBLE lack of empathy. I sense that people are still very much beasts who want to dominate each other. Competition manifests itself in very subtle ways, and I definitely sense there's some kind of social hierarchy I feel like my sensitivity is one of a kind, and I feel out of place so often. I make up for my inadequacy by being incredily mean-spirited. It rings so true of the typical insecure bully persona. I love criticizing and I can't imagine a life where something I say doesn't have some edge of mean-spiritedness.
I'm also capable of being incredibly nice, but I feel like being soft brings me down a peg. You open yourself up for the possibility of being manipulated, albeit maybe in a very subtle and small way. The very fact that people listen to someone or take orders from someone suggests there are people with more command, and people fail to see how this person is manipulating us in a small way. Even if it's typical social interaction. More of a captive audience = more attention for that person. And there's also people scared to talk back to someone out of fear of questioning the social merit or accuracy of the information being dispensed by one. People blindly gravitate to the preacher-like presence.
People fail to realize how they're being played on a small level, and I personally can't stand taking the brunt of an argument or little veiled jabs. People can make you feel guilty about something regardless if it's true or not; people are devouring others in a very slow and meticulous way - I feel we're basically want to destroy each other, however it's done through some civilized nature. Aren't people basically instilling guilt in us on a small level every day, and the people who live the healthier more prosperous lives the ones who are guilt-free and make all the decisions/call all the shots? The alpha presence always gets to the top, and they're living healthier lives. I only HOPE that most people are good at heart, but I can't see that as a possibility. Even supposed people of altruism fail to see their selfishness in many ways. So, you see, I don't feel safe in this world. While I know there's rules set in place to regulate us all, I feel like power is being abused on a regular basis - and nobody knows how to call the people in power on it. I don't think anyone can truly be outside of themselves and truly self-sacrificial or else we would drive ourselves mad.
So I contend that life is basically about pleasing yourself to a great degree, but I just feel so guilty about this idea a majority of the time. As a sensitive sap I find it hard to stay happy and be cold and superior. I'm sensitive towards innocence. I feel deeply sad for the weak a great deal of the time. However, paradoxically, I sadistically enjoy watching people that I feel are somewhat of a threat, in positions of weakness. I basically like watching as*holes being taken down a peg. But my sadism isn't limited to just that: I'll ocassionaly exploit weaker people in general. But what I call 'exploit' most people would consider just typical interaction, but with a clear dominant presence involved.
I'm also very worried about admitting or talking about certain things, even in an anonymous setting perhaps (although I've held back very little in this post). I feel like once there's certain things you say, the nature of society devours you. I also feel like saying certain things can taint your image in a permanent way. So I calculate my every move, bide my time behind the anonymity internet, so as to perfectly align myself with the consensus mode of thinking. Example: I feel deeply sorry for people who are committed or put in prison, because the collective ego may or may not already be predisposed to make people hate certain societal abnormals. People turn their back on members of society, and there's basically no great strides being made for human rights. I suspect you won't be able change the popular opinions for many years to come, and while I think you can change people's ideas to a small degree, I think people are basically stuck on auto-drive and won't think outside of themselves. Based on what I've seen there are no objective observers. I would imagine it would take great, unending amounts of logic to change someone's idea. People basically don't want to hear the truth it seems, and we're basically still very much creatures of emotion and impulse. People shuffle around and continue to be self-gratifying, and like escapism and quick, instantaneous fixes that make us less aware of how badly others are being shafted on a regular basis. This is understandable because I'm the same way. I was always very good at social critcism, but never to the point where I would want to help anyone. I've always been incredibly apolitical, and could no more discern what was going on in the world than an invalid. I have lived a very shelter and deluded life, quite frankly.
It's depressing realities like the ones I mentioned that make me want to off myself on a consistent basis. I'm so deeply sadenned about the probable outcome of this world. I think my only hope really is to find a way of deluding myself on a regular basis. I might in fact HAVE to succumb to drug use - not hard drugs, but marijuana, in order to activate the happy receptors in my brain. I think drug use might be only means of escapism, but I've never tried pot. Or perhaps there's a way to become content despite knowing that things won't turn out well for humanity and that my opinions basically are unimportant and lost in a sea of larger opinions. While I'm not saying life can't be improved (it is improving, right?), I imagine it's very unlikely that my views will mesh with society's views for years to come. The only thing I could possibly do is raise awareness of flaws in society and humanity in hopes that it SLOWLY squeezes its way into the national consciousness. So instead of blindly supporting something that may never come to fruition like everyone else, I need to figure how to make due with the present and bleak (altough it's not REALLY bleak. I realize that the world is what it is, and is indifferent to me. I mean to say it's bleak because of my psychological expectations) reality. I feel like it takes repeated extreme actions and X amount of debating for any long-term societal change to come about.
I don't understand the way things work at all. I literally feel like I'm thrown in a world with a bunch of insane people. I hear conflicting information, it seems like nothing is right, nobody actually cares about me (except in small amounts), and I know that not everyone thinks the same. People are cold and detached from me. Consequently, I'm scared and lonely. I frequently think about offing myself because of this estrangement. It's impossible to pick a side. Every time I bring up the mere subject of suicide people go batshit crazy, not even considering the context in which it was discussed.
We're barely out of the jungle I think. We still have the death penalty, hide behind contentions that we'll never give up because it was instilled in us at an early age, and pretty much do evil things in the guise of normalcy. We prompt debate and philosophical questions but continue the same patterns. Everything seems backwards to me, but I assume it's all through my own emotional filtering and sensitivity. I'd like to integrate myself back into society by going along with the popular opinion, but I don't know how to determine what's truthful or accurate through my mental blinders. I've literally lost all common sense and basic intellect for lack of being able to figure out a life goal or picking a side. I'm pretty much just left numb and confused.
I literally can't have discussions with people because I don't know how to talk to them. All the things I want to talk about are so vastly different. So I'm not sure what to do. The best bet seems to passively accept whatever reality that is being fed to me. Any time I start to feel serious or self-important or question things it gets me in trouble and I despise myself consequently. Example: just today I was switching it up and trying a change of pace; I tried actually listing my opinions on the death penalty and I was quickly met with hatred for it. I can't stand the self-image of being one of those outspoken, whiny types. I hated myself for it. I'm not used to saying anything that isn't couched in humor, and I deplore talking about serious issues. Unfortunately I'm more serious than I ever have been, and my attempts at humor are very stale. Plus, I never have the favored opinion.
There are times I feel like I have it all 'figured out'. I'll get bouncy and excited, and oddly enough it shows. The cogs and gears in my head are whirring and I'm able to be quick-witted, and my perspective is clearer than ever. My brain starts firing on all cylinders, and there's a rush of creative ideas. Very often this heady rush will end promptly and fizzle out whenever I come into contact with my father. He generally sucks the life out of the room and brings me back down to the depressive state. Any hope I may have is shot down by his paradoxically bleak worldview and the negativity rubs off like a disease. I simultaneously love and detest him at times. I dislike talking about family matters, as I refuse to believe anything is wrong. I've always taken great happiness in the idea that my family is unsullied like some other families but that has since come back to bite me, and there is more of a strained relationship than ever...although still very close. It's a constant bombardment of negativity, and I get a creepy feeling of being that 'teen that rebells'. Consequently, it gives me a terrible self-image of myself.
I have a weird and frequent tendency to recycle words and phrases (as it's no doubt presented itself in this post). I'll have moments where there's a flow of speech that's understandable, but the majority of the time I'm unable to sum up my thoughts accurately, because I lack the vocabulary and linguistic skills. There's abstractions and odd thoughts which I can't describe to people because they're so far-removed from what is standard talk, and knowing the stubborness of human beings, I don't presuppose that they'll 'get it'. I feel as if my thoughts are constantly disorganized and circular and fleeting. My line of thinking will change drastically based on a new thought that pops in, or an interaction/mood/vibe will trigger off new thoughts.
I never view myself as one personality and I quite often change myself up consciously to fit the idea of what I think someone views me as. My self-image changes all the times and I will say things differently or think differently as if I were assuming the role of someone I've come into contact with in the past, consciously. This is why my confidence fluctuates from extreme lows to extreme highs.
I like to consciously use shock value humor on people in certain situations; surprise is a staple of comedy. I'll say the opinion people don't want to hear, I'll completely change up my personality when someone's feel as if they have me figured out just to dispell the notion, or I'll give minimalist responses that people are not accustomed to (basically me playing dumb in deadpan).
Movies, video games, or comedy aren't very much of entertainment to me anymore. There's really no great source of stimulation for me. The depression I feel quite often overwhelms me, and I really want medicine to jumpstart some of the 'good feeling' back again, but then I'm skeptical that it'll just make me passive. The depression more often that not stems from my lack of a clear world-view and all the conflicting information and tug-of-war between what's right, so I'm left pretty dazed, and of course depressed (which can, as I stated, be regulated to some degree. I can sort of stir on relaxation methods.)
But what all this boils down to is: I view life in a weird way, left in what I consider to be a 'barbaric' society. It's obvious my social skills are not up to par and I've thought up wilder things than your average person. I think I basically need to connect with someone - anyone at all - and judging by some of the posts on here I'm more like-minded. I'm sure there's a lot that I've left out.
01 Dec 2007, 3:15 am
