Confused about the concept of friendship

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For most of my life I can say I have never really had any real friendships, people have come and gone. Well anyway my problem is quite complicated so I hope it makes sense.

The first real issue for me is that I really don't know what friendships are about and I always feel uncomfortable and uneasy about making them, especially with males as they confuse me and there ways tend to be strange as at times they can reach out to show compassion and say and do things that make me worry about there sexuality. Some of you may think that I am worried about my own sexuality but thats not the case I just get freaked out about if I mean something to the same sex which is weird I agree.

My second is that for most of the time I can feel great being in my own company and the idea of needing others who I have never been able to connect with only makes me feel at peace. But every now and again I think it would be nice to share my life with other people and how great it would be to chat, debate, play computer games, watch a match, watch a film and all them kind of things but I don't really behave like I see people behave. I see lads with big ego's going on about who is the hardest or laugh about absurd things or speak about how big some women's tits are so I just think what a great excuse not to have friends.

Don't get me wrong I have always had a distant thing with people, like people saying hi on the street and things like that and at work I have made friends but they never make any effort to develop things so in the end I just end up doing my own thing and losing contacts etc.

Also a lot of my relationships turn out to be more friendships and then even them fizzle out to nothing eventually ?

So I guess the whole concept of friendship is really confusing to me, and that shows by the fact that I am even seeing it as a concept. I guess I should say whats the meaning of friendship or the purpose.

I have alot of difficulty understanding friendships too.

After feeling used because I was 'needed' I decided a friend was someone you wanted to spend time with, not someone you needed. I'm not sure that is a good definition, but its one I've had for a few years. It hasn't gotten me or kept me any friends. Right now my friend number is a grand total of zero, at times to my frustration.

Like you, sometimes I just want someone to share my life with, but ultimately I'm happier alone.

Well thanks for the reply, I have had many views but only one reply so far. I would be interested if someone could not agree with me and to tell me that the friendship thing is great but I worry that friendship is a thing that aspie's find to be one of the greatest mystery's known.

I think you should think about friendship and enemies as if they were on a spectrum; some people you like, other you have, others you don't give a damn about.

If possible could people please try and chat within this thread while I sleep, It is 3:29 over in the UK so I have to leave but I will be back on tomorrow. If no one wants to reply I take it my thread was useless.

Friendships are exhausting.

Right now I have about five 'close'ish' (arms length) friendships, four female and one male. I try to rotate them around so that no one person is severely pissing me off. This way they're all somewhat annoying and in small doses I'll always have someone if I want company or to vent who I don't feel like throttling. My best friend lives in another country and we have much in common so we chat online or text each other and it has worked well thus far. That way I'm never interrupted by phone calls or demands for my time - I'm there when I can be and I shut it off if it gets to be too much.

I've always had trouble "making friends." Adolescence was particularly confusing, as someone would be my "bff" one day, and my mortal enemy the next day, often for no particular reason I could see. I expected that this was just "childish behavior" and hoped that things would improve as I got older - I always sought the company of older kids and adults anyway. Alas, I am 37 and feel no closer to understanding "friendships" than I was back then, except to say that it seems to me that most people are "friends" because of convenience and proximity - they live near one another, or work together, or share a specific interest they can both participate in.

Worst of all is when I've thought someone was my friend, and would not harm me because I had not harmed them, only to find that they (like those adolescent girls) didn't really like me at all, and had been just faking friendliness and then sniping about me behind my back to other coworkers. I was so shocked (and frankly, frightened) by her two-facedness, I ended up leaving that job, unable to see how I could ever work with her, ever trust her, again.

I have this bad habit of assuming that if I mean people no harm, they'll mean me no harm. It seems logical, yet in real life it often spells disaster. In some ways I can be a very keen judge of character and seeing people for what they "really are," yet I still get blindsided from time to time.

For the most part, I'm generally quite happy with my own company, but sometimes I do feel lonely and isolated and alienated. Those times are hard.

sinagua, cheer up. There's good and bad times. Concentrate on the good.

(If I don't answer for several hours, it's because I'm sleeping.)

Well said, sinagua.

When I was in my 20s, I found myself in the odd position of feeling closer to people - friends and family - when we were living in different cities. I was always better at letter-writing than at hanging out together.

Thanks for the good words. I do try to focus on the good; however I admit I've suffered depression and anxiety for much of my life. Fortunately, I've also learned various ways to cope with these challenges, and I know I am a stronger, wiser person because of this.

I am definitely better at maintaining "long-distance" friendships than "local" ones - letter-writing and email are my dear friends. I also really enjoy photography, art, music, and poetry.

My take on it is that if you are friends with people that are unworthy that they will view you as equally unworthy, what I mean to say is that if you have to talk down to people or B.S. them, chances are they don't trust you... They have no idea that you "like" them, but simply can't relate. They will tend to assume you are purposely keeping them at a distance and try to treat you the same way. They think that EVERYONE relates to people the way they do, so if you don't, to them that simple means that you don't with them....

The best way to make friends is find something that you excel at and find people there who can respect that quality in you... I personally like the game "Go" alot and find many like-minded people in Go clubs who respect and understand me.

Friendship, to people like us, is the most important thing in the world. Because if you find someone who is in the same situation as you, then you can gain a whole new perspective on the world. But it is important to remember that however annoyed you are with them, that they are twice as annoyed with you, so be nice.

Well I am finally awake from the dead, I'm going through some horrible kind of depression at the moment so please be understanding.

OK so as far as I have read so far and the conclusion to that is that we have to try and see things from other peoples sides which is quite a challange to myself. I take it that to become the best of friends with someone we have to try and give more and put up with more.

I still think that it is hard to connect with people at work and that in itself scares me from going back to work but I did have friends at work and I guess when I left work I became worried about keeping contact with them for showing the weakness for a need for friendship.

I have also noticed that on this thread no one as offered friendship but have supported each other through certain issue's, well here goes I am offering to be anyones friend who wants to be, something I have always found difficult to do.

I am also wondering if there is a difference between male and female friendships, from my understanding of things the majority of women like to gossip and that could cause major problems with aspies or autistics to deal with. Anyway I am liking this thread and want to keep it going or perhaps start one called lets make friends and get chatting on msn who knows.