As son Lies constantly

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I am so tired of the lying. I can't believe anything he says. I WANT to believe him and have had long talks with him about trust and how to build trust, it's like I can see the words coming out of my mouth and flying right through one ear and out the other. I have tried witholding privledges, even resorted to nearly begging. Things disappear around here and he denies it first, then ultimately confesses. I feel badly suspecting him all the time, but fact is, out of the five kids around here, he's the only one that does things like this. I've tried to ignore it hoping that maybe it was the attention he was craving, but that didn't work, he just got away with more things. I am at my wits end. He's 13 and has been lying like this for years. This morning I found my credit card by the computer, he said that he was trying to use it to help him go to sleep when he was awake at 4 this morning. (happens sometimes) I told him that it was mine and taking it out of my purse was stealing, to which he said "Ok mom" which basically means nothing. He just doesn't "get it".

I think that if he's at this point, talking to him is not going to do anymore.

You mentioned taking away privileges. What kinds? To what extents?

When I was in high school, I used to steal money from my mother's wallet. (We didn't have credit cards or computers back then.) I honestly don't know why I would do it. I would take out a twenty dollar bill and use it to buy things like record albums (this was the 60's.)

I grew into a very honest adult but it took some time.

When I was a young adult (I secretly left home twice, once when I was 21, and again when I was 24, with my mother not knowing for years where I was.) I committed a lot of petty theft, using bad credit cards and passing bad checks, to buy groceries, gasoline, and the like. It's how I "got by."

I got caught a couple of times and had to "make good."

I could have gone back home and lived off of my mother at any time, but this was the way I saw to make it on my own.

I grew up into a very honest adult. But, I'm sure that my inability to connect with others fruitfully at the time was a large part of what I was doing.

If I had been caught by my mother, stealing from her wallet, I most certainly would have lied to her. I would have done so out of fear. I was an only child, and, if I had asked my mother for money, I'm certain that she would have given it to me.

To the best of my knowledge, neither of my autistic sons has ever stolen anything. The lower funcioning is non-verbal and probably wouldn't understand the concept. The higher functioning 18 year old would not know the difference between stealing something and taking something inadvertantly. He does not understand the role of motive in doing something wrong.

I know this offers little help, but I hope it offers some insight into the mind of an aspie adolescent, as I recall forty years later.

have had similiar problems here with our 15 year old...."nobody" and "not me" do LOTS of things in our house !...........terribly frustrating. wish i had answers, but i dont

I used to be a compulsive liar too

I used to lie when I was a kid, but eventually stopped (except for white lies) when I realised why it was wrong.

I was the same way, but I grew out of it.
I would mostly make up outlandishly unbelievable tales.

Now I can't stanf lying or liars.

It was some sort of coping mechanism...only it just made things worse.

I also used to steal..not from other people, but from stores.

Both of these were kinda obsesive-compulsive...i didn't know how to control it....it just happened...

Now I don't steal either

Privledges lost have mostly been computer gaming. Nothing else motivates him. he has a coveted game boy, and he has lost it numerous times. I stress to him that HE has lost it, not that I have taken it away. *SIGH*
I think I know talking isn't going to do any more good. He has taken money out of my purse before and also out of the cupboard where we keep our small business money in the summer. He has been caught each time, but any amout of punishment rolls like water off a duck's back. I asked him this morning if he wanted to be known as a "liar" and he said no, but I don't think he comprehends the implications. Intellectually he is advanced beyond his peers, but often acts as if he's 5 years old. I just get so frustrated because I can see the "black and white" consequences and can't figrure out if he can see it too, or if he's glazing over it to not have to deal with the responsibility.

I can really relate to your situation. Our son is almost 9 and we catch him sneaking, lying, nicking snack foods out of the kitchen/fridge, etc sometimes, too. No punishments seem to matter to him - like your son, ours only cares about computer games and Xbox, but taking it away doesn't ultimately stop the behavior. He doesn't seem to "get" that this is wrong, even if he doesn't get caught (he almost always DOES get caught). I think maybe his brain is telling him "this is a logical and effective way to get what you want." I don't think he's a "bad kid." He generally looks perplexed when others are upset with him, and yes, he seems to have a really hard time understanding that the consequences are a result of HIS actions, not ours. Again, it doesn't really seem to sink in.

I will say, though, he seems to have an innate sense of fairness, at least in an abstract way. Although he may sometimes treat others in a way they feel is unfair, he doesn't get that - he just sees how OTHER people are unfair to him, or other people.

I don't think that's how he sees it. He may have behaved in the way that results in a punishment, but you're the one delivering the punishment. So from his possible logic, you're ultimately taking away the Game Boy. In these situations, I always believed that my parents punished because they enjoyed the sense of control it gave them.

This is exactly how I felt when I was stealing.

it is interesting to hear about other AS kids who have lying and stealing issues the way that I did....I am trying to think of what snapped me out of it....

I am so NOT into power. I would rather that my children learn what is right and wrong and exercise their agency to choose right. They will learn through trial and error and various consequences (natural consequences, and also those in our home) what happens with their choices. I suppose the AS in this particular child makes it hard for him to comprehend this concept sometimes. That said, I also believe that he knows what is right, but goes for the immediate gratification instead.

crzymom~ you may not be into power, and that's ok....but it is far better for someone to learn the consequences of stealing within their home vs. learning about the consequences of stealing via the police & store security

I have thought that very thing, and have wondered if he will have to learn the hard way. I hope with all my hear that he doesn't. thanks for your caring

my son unfortunately got caught shoplifting at a store~ the store owner, fortunately, released son to our care & made him promise to not return to the store....no charges were pressed..........i wish i could say that he learned from this experience, but he got caught by a different store owner & again, the owner released him to us & made him promise to not return to the store. hopefully, he has learned his lesson................he says that he is tempted to take things when he is overly anxious