And now...Deep Thoughts...By Jack Handey

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Favorite Jack Handey quotes GO!! !

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

Last edited by Ozzy on 07 Dec 2007, 12:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Great idea for a thread!

Why ty!

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Great stuff.

I don't have any books or remember the quote exactly... but my favorite is the one about pumpkins instead of grenades.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

Anybody know a few?

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

My favorites:

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Last edited by Ragtime on 07 Dec 2007, 11:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

These are all great.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/

here is the official web site

Keep posting your favorites though!! !

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If you ever drop your car keys in molten lava you'd better let them go because man, they're gone.

I forgot exactly how it went, but my favorite involved Jack taking his nephew to Disneyland, but he really sent him to a burned-out warehouse.

Tim