Fighting a loosing battle with myself...

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I'm new to wrongplanet and a self diagnosed aspie. When I found out about this disorder I was happy that there was finally something that explains why I am what I am. A while later I found out about this forum, and finally I thought that I will be able to express myself among others who are also affected by aspergers. Anyways, I think this site is great and I hope to meet many people who are similar to me.

Now, to get to the point; I think aspergers is destroying me, and has been destroying me for the most part of my life. As long as I can remember I have felt a constant pain and anxiety in my heart. I worry about everything and everyone, particularly about failed relationships that I have with people. I am even afraid as to how people will accept me on wrongplanet, ironic isn't it. Anyways the past few days have been horrible for me. I am not going to my classes regularly, I am not going outside, I am just lying around all day.

I have no concept of time what so ever. What may seem like a couple of minutes to me actually turns out to be hours. I can spend the whole day just sleeping, stimming, clicking random links on wikipedia, sleeping more, playing on the computer etc. I get caught in some kind of delirium out of which I cannot escape under my own willpower. I just cant do anything. I can't concentrate on my studies, I can't read a book in my free time, I can't socialize, I just can't get out of the house, and in the mornings I find it impossible to even get out of bed. I should be going to my classes but I just have no willpower. I am also very much afraid of the interactions that I am going to have with other people, and I think this actually subconsciously affects my abilities to do anything.

Nobody understands me and I am thinking about seeking some professional help, but I am even finding that impossible since I just can't get out of bed. I am anxious all the time, and I even worry about people finding out that I go to therapy. Basically I fear everything that has to do with other people because I just can't interact properly. Not to say that I do not have friends, because technically I do but I just don't feel like they are real friends because they do not understand me, but who can blame them when I am never my true self around them. So much pain is put into trying to fit in and I am constantly afraid that even people I have know for a long time are doing things behind my back and are trying to leave me.

Anyways all of this is killing me, especially since I cant turn to anything that I enjoy such as some kind of hobby or even studying because I just cant do anything in this state of anxiety and depression. I just lie around in a confused state of delirium. So in all I feel that I have no control over my life. Never do I make the choices I want regarding my life and my life with other people. Time just passes by and I have nothing to hold on to . I feel like my life is such a waste.

I want to break free form this force which keeps me in chains and I have so many things in my mind that I want to pursue, but I am finding just getting out of bed impossible. I know that I am different from most people and that what works for some will not work for me, but I am writing this to hear the opinions of others, especially those who feel similarly to me.

So that is it, the pains of my life. I just don't know what to do. I just can't organize my time. It took me a week to post this on wrongplanet and it took me 5 hours today to finally get myself to write this post which I have written in less than 10 min. You can see how horrible it is. I feel like I am stuck somewhere in between the normal world and the autistic world, I guess that is the aspie world. People, I am open to suggestions, how do I win this battle that I am fighting with myself.

I've found that finding spirituality and your true self (inside) is key to finding the light. The work of Byron Katie has helped tremendously - it is a process of self-inquiry where you get to meet your real self under your thoughts and beliefs about what ~is~ in a very simple way. You might want to check it out. If you're prepared to do the work that's necessary to find yourself - all of this despair will drop into itself like a snowflake into the earth.

It looks like your depression is overriding your Asperger's. Depression is a vicious cycle because "doing something fun" would cheer you up but you don't have the energy to do anything fun.
In times like this, I have to schedule my fun or other personal goals. Like a doctor's appointment. An appointment to walk a block, go to the park, read a books, watch a funny movie. I'm not kidding.
I have been going to therapy for a while now, I should be ending it soon. I know my depression is tied into my hormone cycles, has nothing to do with my self-esteem or Asperger's or my family situation. Yet, all of those factors seem to compound my depression when I'm feeling down. Recognizing the bad "mental habits" helps ease the depressive spells and helps overcome them.

It's known that exercise helps the body fight depression. I don't "work out" but go for walks and dance at home.

My husband took anti-depressants for a bad spell he had, it got him through the stress but ultimately he had to quit that particular lifestyle. The doctor said it wouldn't "fix" his problems. In some ways they made him worse.

Mental chains can only be broken by mental effort.

It will bring you no good to worry about what others think of you or what they may be doing behind you back. Usually it is nothing anyways.

My brother has anxiety disorder and so has panic attacks in public situations. I tell him the truth... generally no one is even thinking of you. You could flap you arms and cluck like a chicken, fall down and grab your ass and spin in circles... but the truth is all that would come of it is a story or two but most people would forget about you shortly there after.

What ever you do is fine, what ever you decide is good for you in life is. If you need to just sit and stim for a week that is ok.

We are different, that is not bad. You don't have to "keep up" with anybody... you have time... and there are many people like you. I am glad you have found this place.

Please don't be so hard on yourself either, you seem pretty nice to me and I am glad you decided to reach out... even if it took a while.

After reading your thread I can in some way see a similarity between yourself and my problems as well. I have been through lots of turmoil with people in life and find that trying to better myself is just futile because I don't connect and communicate with people much at all.

I like to hide away at home and sleep myself out of existence into a peaceful state. I open my eyes in the morning and think I have nothing to awake for so the idea of cuddling up with my blankets in bed really soothes my mind.

Infact I have come to a point in my life where I just don't know what I am doing here, I have messed up big time because I had a long term relationship that you could say destroyed my life. My ex girlfriend used to stop me from learning to drive so I don't do that and I am afraid to try. She also made my chance's of finding work very near impossible because she stopped me from working for years so I am long term unemployed and feel that rubbish that I couldn't do anything normal outside of being a self taught multi talented artist that means zip.

I don't even have friends like yourself mainly because I can not do people anymore even my own family stress me out. On that note I don't having friends anymore because the ones I have had always end up betraying me.

I am currently getting professional advice mainly because they see that I would rather live in my own world than the one everyone else seems to be in. And I don't fit into this world at all, I see people doing things that make cringe and I am sick of wondering around sheep who are doing things as if they are programed and have no free thought. This bit mite sound mad but I don't think this place was the place I should have got to, I was meant for something better. Mind you I do have 2 great kids so I have to keep living for them.

So I guess your not the only one and that may help you feel apart of the same thing.

ooo... I did'nt notice your avatar before. Salvador Dali's "The Persistance of Memory"?

In any case it is obvious you have great taste too.

Yes, you need to get professional help. Look up therapists online and make some calls.

In the meantime, you can go to http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone/email.aspx or just email [email protected], if you want someone else to write to.

I also think you need to seek professional help. I know how hard that is when you are depressed and anxious, but I think it's the only way you're going to get out of this. Willpower is a limited resource, but even now, you probably have some untapped reserves. Put it all towards getting help. Find a local psychiatrist. Call them. Make an appointment. It's relatively simple, but it isn't easy. If you have to, do visualizations of each step, over and over again, until your anxiety about them diminishes.

You probably won't get an appointment right away. When I finally worked up the nerve to call my psychiatrist, I had to wait a month to see him. While you're waiting, I recommend that you conserve your resources, and pick your battles. You may not be able to pass all your classes this semester. You may want to drop some now, and focus as well as you can on the remaining ones. And don't beat yourself up over the things you can't do. You're currently crippled by your untreated anxiety and depression. If you can get effective treatment, you'll be able to do things again.

My depression has always destroyed me far more than my Aspergers ever has, and it would be best to try and get professional help (says the person who never got it herself).... However, this is just a matter of opinion, but I wouldn't recommend anti-depressants, you're obviously an intellectual, as you worry a lot about things, and people who ain't as smart just don't tend to worry so much (ignorance is bliss), and it would be a shame to waste your life by living in an anti-depressant fluffy cloud, if you see what I mean... You may feel like you're alone, and I know I do a whole lot of the time, but the reality is, there are a lot of people like you, and they're fighting the same fight, the best way to start is to get help, but it really is about trying to push yourself. I know this is all just words, and it may not ultimately help you, but, for what it's worth, I know what it's like, and my best wishes are with you.

I have a completely different (positive) view on anti-depressants. They never changed my personality or made me feel like I was living on a fluffly cloud.

I think it's good to stay open to the possibility that they can help.

Again, I'm with SapphoWoman. Anti-depressants haven't changed my personality or put me on a "fluffy cloud." I'm still just as capable of feeling sad or anxious. The difference is that I don't feel these things all the time, I only feel them when there's something to be sad or anxious about. Also, on anti-depressants, I'm actually capable of feeling happy -- again, when there's something to be happy about.

A normal reaction. Discovering AS set me back a bit. I just had to rethink my whole life.

My results were, I feel much more than most, see more, and can never tell anyone who cannot see. I love WP.

My questioning of everything put me higher, not lower and defective. You have just discovered that you have been raised by sheep, and you are not a sheep. You will never be a sheep. Being you is better.

The last thing to do is to be doped by a quack. You want a quack, go to the park and talk to ducks.

The Universe is an ever changing illusion. What is strange is people who live a constant life in it.

The basics, you have nothing but you. Putting yourself together has to come from within.

You are not a defective sheep, you are another type of being who has the ability to see and feel a greater range. Do not blame yourself, or the sheep. The only place you can fit, is within yourself.

Accept yourself. You are stuck with it. Do not waste your energy trying to figure out what sheep think, they don't.

What you are going through is good. You are sheading your past. Leave it behind, let the new you emerge.

You are a Culture of One, The only thing to be true to is yourself.

One small book covers the whole situation.

Hans Christian Anderson, "The Ugly Duckling."

Become.

Also, anti-depressants have helped me be more "verbal", so they are actually helping me express more of who I am.

I suppose it can affect people differently... That's why I said it was a matter of opinion, some people, it helps I guess.... I just remember when my mum went on them, and she wasn't the same person anymore, she was almost... Not there. All of us were glad when she got off them. I guess people react to it differently, but that's the only reason I have a negative opinion of them.

Me too.


Awesome words!



It's good to be cautious; I have had one "bad" therapist. But I have also had therapists who helped me tremendously.

I'm going to bookmark this thread in hopes that someone will come up with a miraculous answer (in other words, not involving health professionals)...I can relate to what you're saying.