I'm in major shock

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Ok, here is a tale which i experienced yesterday.

I was over at a friends house before we were off to a Uni rave. The conversation turned onto peoples opinions about me. I was shocked by some of the remarks that apparently people have been saying.

"We don't mention the guy in Ward 1"
"Don't mention his name."

Now i realize this can come across as childish, this sort of thing happens a lot in everyday life, but to me this is betrayal, like I've had dozens of knives plunged into my back, apparently most of my hall and year are saying these things. I am a handful, as Aspies can be, i've had to adapt who a whole new routine and meeting strange people. Maybe i had my expectations too high that other people would be more mature, that i would able to just me be. I will refer to another topic which I've linked bellow:

Betraying an Aspie

The thing is. I've never meant any harm to people. I try to be kind, thoughtful and considerate of others. No matter who it is I meet and get along with I would NEVER turn against them. I could not say things behind their back. In friendship i have always hoped that they would return the same amount of trust I have in them.

But I'm appalled. I am sick with anger and I am utterly disgusted. how can NT's be so spineless and slimy? Why must they be so ignorant and arrogant and afraid of something different. Why must friendships be built on a hollow foundation of trust, is it customary for all of society to be built on the notion that we should be willing to stab each other in the back first chance we get. I have enough trouble with my self-confidence and my trust in others, after last night I am not willing to leave my room or even look anyone at my Uni in the eye. because how can i trust them. How can i approach anyone and be friendly with them when it is very likely after a couple of months my effort will go to waste when i heard they have been saying everything under the sun about me behind their back, I would feel devastated. I am different but it seems that is wrong. I don't want to conform. but right now i feel utterly disgusted to be sharing a uni where everyone is NT. I wish they had an AS Uni i could attend.

The thing is, I don't know what to do or who I can even approach now. I've lost a lot of self-confidence and confidence in that fo society in recent years, the idea of one day us all managing to become accepted fully drives me on, and it;s wonderful on here I can meet others in the same state of mind.

I'm upset with my peers. It's disgraceful and I don't know why i should leave my room from now on. Why i should bother trying to speak to NT's because I simply don't know who to trust anymore. I fear humanity may fall apart because people are unable to open their minds and learn too put the knife down. I'm aware this sort of thing happens and I;ve been betrayed by NT's all my life, but perhaps thats why I'm so depressed, because I hate the fact it has to happen, and I want to stand up and shout "No More!" it feels like all the things I have described is just NT's "Default Setting."

I don't mean to sound pissed off and I am just unsure of where I can turn. Does anyone else know how I feel and has anyone been this way? So ashamed of those around them because of how obnoxious and spineless others are. i try very hard to keep neutral opinions, to not judge or attack others. But it's times like these which make me think very hard, and make me wonder why things like this happen. Why must NT;s constantly moan about those who talk to them? Shouldn;t they be happy people with AS are trying to treat them well.

Many NTs don`t like us.They like their own kind and thats why they have such issues as racism and other phobias.

Would It be so wrong of me to state that they way they have been towards me since I started Uni feels to me like it's no better then racism? I would not be too surprised if they started a facebook group devoted to taking the piss out of me.

Last edited by Topher on 17 Jan 2008, 7:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Welcome to what they call IRL, In Real Life, my dear friend and how other not keeping up tries to stab your back.

Nah, confront your friends and tell them what you think and it will probably end with that. Its in 99% of cases more effective than going around grunting about something. If they are your FRIENDS they will understand. If they don't understand, it's their problem, not yours!

I realize this is IRL. but still, we should not have to be victimized because we are loyal and kind. This should not have to be this way. In all these years you would think people would have learned.

Without trying to sound too negative or insulting (though invariably i will i'm sure) you've just discovered a truth I only discovered myself a few years back, and that is that most people are exceedingly shallow, two faced liars.

Reading your words was a weird moment for me because I could have written those exact same sentences a few years ago. I've always been the nice guy who tries to get along with everyone and never has bad intentions and then i get crapped on, so I understand.
I'll try to write some things i've found out below but knowing me it'll possibly be a hard read as i'm absolute crap at consoling/comforting people even when i try my best.

If you're anything like a lot of Aspie's (including myself) then you're likely incredibly naive as you're probably going to realise when you get the replies i'm expecting you'll get in this thread.
The world can be a crappy place at times due to the people we share it with, but never give up hope as there are still plenty of people who make this world a wonderful place.


Many NT's are as i described above due to well hidden feelings of insecurity. It's the same wherever you go, if you're different in some way people make fun of you as it distracts attention away from their own inadequacies.
What I found out is that there are very few people I can fully trust, but those that I can are absolutely worth the hassle of having to deal with the rest of the human race.
I found out exactly who my friends were when I told every single one of them to their faces exactly what I thought of them and why (possibly not recommended the way I did it as everyone heard everything about everyone else being as we were all in one room at the time).

Anyway, on a happier note, once you get used to the idea that most people are as i described you can deal with the problems this causes. Through observation and through trial and error you can learn who to confide in, who not to trust etc. Your big dilemma may come when you have to decide whether to never interact with most people or to try your best with most people and take everything (and i do mean everything) they say with a big pinch of salt. Since you can't hide from life my advice is to make the best of a bad situation.

In my case, I managed to find a small selection of people that are true friends, and they are there for me whenever I need them. They forgive me my mistakes, my very common foot in mouth moments and they accept me for who I am.

I am sure there are people like that out there for you, you possibly already know them.

Last edited by englishwolf on 17 Jan 2008, 8:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Being realistic I have two very harsh words to answer your statement, unfortunately these words ring true

"tough sh*t!"

You're going to have to get rid of your sugar coated view of the world if you want to avoid driving yourself mad questioning why things are the way they are.
As I said above, there are some fantastic people out there, It's just that you will have to open up a lot of oyster shells before you find one with a pearl inside

I had a NT friend who'd constantly ditch me to hang out with other NTs, and he probably made fun of me for being weird behind my back with them.

You just don't know who you can trust.

"You would think people would have learned."

Where are you from?

No point confronting them, that will only bring the antagonism out from behind closed doors. You might win but you're more likely to be publicly humiliated.

NTs are always jealous of Aspies. We can do a lot that they can't. For that reason, they pick on our quirks and our weaknesses.

You said that they were friends who said that - nope... that's not friends.. they're acquaintances.

You're best of finding some real friends. There will be some, you just have to look in the right places.

I don't think talking behind peoples backs is a NT vs AS thing. Everyone does it!

Who hangs out with who is a constantly changing dynamic. I sometimes joke about "pretending to be socialable" because of how how shallow and judgmental people are.

My opinion is you are over thinking this. First of all, you were invited to the “pre rave party”, a sign they really like you. Second of all, NTs would only jibe you like that if they really like you but are curious about you. Third of all if you think dudes in uni are mature, you are oh so wrong. They were more mature in high school because they were kept in check by teachers and parents. Now they are acting like the immature brats they couldn’t be under supervision.

My suggestion is to take one of them aside (the most honest one) and ask about the situation, what they meant and how you interpreted it. Just let him know you have a little difficulty with comprehending sarcasm and will look to him to interpret from now on. He will go back to his buds and tell them to calm down on the bantering (stupid NT male bonding, excuse me while I barf).

Fortunately, they grow out of this…some of them…

The real question here is do you like them. If not, move on, if you do like them, stop avoiding confrontation (bad coping skill) and learn how to make it work. Uni really is preparation for the workforce. At work it is dog eat dog, where at least at uni there is a brethren.

It happens to everyone. NTs and Aspies alike. I've even been around conversations where people were talking about people behind those peoples' backs about how awful it was that the other people were talking about them behind their backs. I was like: "Umm... look what you are doing right now!" The responses were stuff like : "oh, well, it's different because... blah blah blah".

I've always wondered what people say about me behind my back. Sometimes, I think it might help me be a better person, and it might help me clear up some misconceptions about me or things I've done, but then sometimes I think that maybe it is just better if I don't know, because maybe it would affect me in a negative way. My advice is to just try to ignore it. I know that sometimes it can seem so overwhelming and it can seem like huge groups are out to get you, but really, it is probably just a few people propagating mean things, and so it may seem like more people are involved in it then ones that actually are.

The world can be a tough place for everyone. Just try to make the best of it!

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. I have had similar ones in the past and it hurts. A lot. I hope you can find some better friends that will make you feel better soon. This is how I have learned to cope:

1. Stay nice, even if others are not
The only defense you have here is to make sure that in your own personal capacity, you are not causing anyone else hurt. If someone says something mean about you and you have not done anything to hurt that person, that person is in the wrong. If you retaliate or try and "get back" or get even at them, that's when you will give them real ammunition to make defamatory comments and influence other people against you.

2. Find better people to hang out with
There are NT's out there that will find you intelligent, fun, nice, stimulating and wonderfully interesting, and would like to hang out with you. Please try to find them. DON'T feel obliged to fit in with all NT's. DON't keep it against those NT's that don't fit with you: the problem lies with them, not you, if you take it on, it will become your problem too.

3. Find your security in yourself
It is important to be aware that people observe us differently than we think of ourselves. Yes, some will think we are weird and odd and childish and irritating. Even those that like us may observe us completely different than we think we are. We struggle to see that mirror through an NT's eyes. So, just find that awareness in yourself and then base your security on things that lie deep within you (the way you care about others, commitment to doing a job well, being polite and kind even when others are not), rather than outwardly (your facial expressions, your mannerisms, your way of talking).

You sound like a great guy. We're all from Ward 1, so we're all there with you and for you. I hope you feel better soon. Uni is non-negotiable: you've got to do it. Don't let cheap gossip from people who like to laugh at others to feel better about themselves get you down: go and study and get a fantastic intellectual job where you are noticed for your real value.

I've just been keeping a low profile for the time being, assessing my options if that makes sense. Im still going to be kind and civil to others despite the fact I'm now wary, im going to use the weekend as a sort of down time so i can tackle the coming week much better.

there is always the open university- which is very good and you dont have to see any one and they have on line forums- there is no stigma to it now adays - my mum used her OU degree to do an Msc in durham which is a good uni. so dont loose heart! there should be asperger help at your uni and the disability act means they have to help you- it might be worth asking them for help on this. bullying is never ok.