Hello and Help Requested

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Hello Everyone,
I am a new member and an NT (for whatever that's worth...) I came to this site because for the last few months I have been involved with a wonderful man who lives about a thousand miles from me. He is smart, funny, and creative...and different from anyone I know. I am fairly positive he has undiagnosed Asperger's or is otherwise on the autism spectrum.

My boyfriend is planning on moving here in March, and we are both really looking forward to it. I really, really want our relationship to work! But I need some advice and people to talk to who understand. As far as I know, I don't know anyone on the autism spectrum and, although I have not done an exhaustive search, I can't find any experts in the area (Finger Lakes Region of Upstate New York.) I have read everything on Asperger's, High Functioning autism, PPD-NOS, NLD that I can get my hands on!

I hoping I would be able to present my (very long and growing all the time) list of observations and that some of you would be able to say "yes, I think you're on the right track" or "no, I think you're off base" as far as him being on the spectrum. I realize, of course, that it is impossible to diagnose someone in this way, I'm just hoping to get a general idea as to whether I am way off base.

When I mentioned Asperger's to my boyfriend, he had never heard of it, but he was open to the possiblity. I suggested he mention it to his therapist, feeling certain his therapist would agree with my conclusions and then we would have a "professional" involved. I am not a mental health professional, and do not feel comfortable with either making or presenting a diagnosis. Unfortunately, the only one who seems to be having an "ah ha" moment is me, and my plan seems to have backfired -- the therapist said my boyfriend was "too normal" and "not autistic enough" and suggested that I might be one of those people who has to diagnose everyone (I swear, I don't.)

My boyfriend's mother (he's in his 40's and lives with his parents) confided in me that she and her husband have thought -- ever since the Asperger's diagnosis came out -- that my boyfriend has Asperger's. But she hasn't told my BF this.

I don't want to push this diagnosis on him, especially if I'm on the wrong track. But from everything I've read, it seems important in an NT/AS relationship for both partners to be in agreement as to the possible existence of AS.

If, after you've looked at my observations, you do agree that he likely is on the spectrum, I'm hoping for some advice as to how to proceed.

SO...would it be okay to run my observations by you all? If so, what catagory should I post them in??

As an aside, for those of you who are seeking relationship advice from an NT -- I would be happy to relate the story of how I met my boyfriend, because it really seemed like an ideal way for an NT/AS couple to get off to a great start!

Thank you so much!! !

Welcome to WP!

there's a couple of quick tests to indicate a tendency (which is not a daignosis) in the forums here. One is a 150 or so-page list of questions, when answered honestly, can indicate how much AS vs NT there is. It's in one of the forums, it's the one that produces a radial chart of characteristics.

AS is a spectrum; some folks are in need of serious help, some just strange enough to bear comment..

welcome to the place....

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

Thank you for the welcomes and the suggestions!

I don't think he needs serious help. I just think it would be helpful for both of us to have a better understanding of what our differences/difficulties might be, and how to work with them. Although if there were any job assistance services available (unlikely), that might be helpful as he has had problems with work and I know he's concerned about getting a job when he moves.

He did take the Aspie quiz and scored in the "possibly" range.

Hi and welcome to the aspie community...

Nice to meet you, HowlingWolf.

Hi HowlingWolf,welcome to WP.
From what you have said, its sounds like your boyfriend is a very lucky man,
to have you.
As you have already done a lot of studying, you will realise that the spectrum is indeed vast,
and being 'under the radar', like your bf, means you don't have to obsess.
I would not worry about getting anything 'official' like a dx, at our age,
it will not solve any problems that directly pursuing solutions to individual problems will.
And yes,I would love to hear the story of how you met!

As an aspie speaking, I would suggest that you just accept him for who he is. Don't try to play head games, do speak plainly, and take nothing for granted. Don't try to "figure him out by a diagnosis". The man is way more than a diagnosis.

That and have a good time with your friend.

Hi and welcome, HowlingWolf. I think accepting for him for who he is without worrying about whether he has Asperger's or not would be the first step. You can also read some books that deal with Asperger's and relationships. That would give you some insight. I found "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood and "Asperger's Syndrome: A Love Story" by: Sarah Hendrickx and Keith Newton to be extremely informative.

Even without a diagnosis, you'd have some insight into his personality.

Best of luck,
Lauri

Hi and welcome to the Aspie community...

Welcome

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

WELCOME!! !! !

welcome to the rightplanet nice to meet you