Emergency relationship help required

Post Reply New Topic

My boyfriend, is undiagnosed, but he falls within the spectrum of Aspergers. He has been very abusive. I am seven months pregnant with his child. Asperger's runs in his family (his sister and niece have been diagnosed). I am writing to receive feedback from males who have Asperger's. Those who have found difficulties in intimate relationships. I would like to hear how you cope with confrontation and if you have been able to have a lasting and successful, relationship with someone. I don't know where else to turn.

This baby is coming and I feel so alone without my Aspie boyfriend by my side. We live together and he freaks out all the time at me. I have tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't want to hear it, although he knows his sister has it and his niece. We can't have a conversation about anything. He is not affectionate and ignores me.
He is abusive and is obessed with porn.

i know all this sounds terrible and I should leave him. He is my best friend and my soul mate. I don't want to walk away, but he's hurting me so bad.

Does he know he's hurting you, and, if so, is he willingly hurting you?

If the answer to both is yes, then, frankly, you should leave him. There are abusive aspies just as much as abusive NT's, probably about the same in proportion to non-abusers...

I think he need's help, does he get any? Before he find's out what it's like to be gone, normally it's hard to think about yourself & child, he probably need's kicking out & told that if he doesn't sort things out, your out...

Has he only just started with the porn by the way? as that's normally a sign of hes not getting it problem's that I seen other males go through

Does he drink?

& if the abusive has just started, anger management probably

It sounds like you are in a tough situation. Are you in danger of being harmed physically? Even if you are committed to making your relationship work, you need to seek some help here. In many places, there is a local domestic violence hotline you can call. There's also a national hotline -- you can look it up on the internet. They can provide you with all sorts of information, including assessing your situation to make sure you (and your baby) are safe. They can also provide information on safety planning (you should have an emergency plan in case the situation becomes intolerable and you need to leave.) Trusted friends and family can help too. You don't need to go this alone!

I know it's not black and white, but I really think you should get out of that relationship.
The child complicates things immensely though...
Has he always been really abusive? AS isn't an excuse for being abusive you know...

If he is being physically abusive get out until he gets some professional help to deal with these issues. If he refuses then write him off. If it's you today, it may be the baby a few months down the road.

Hi. I've been there. I'm sorry you are there now.

You probably won't want to listen to me but he's not going to change and this has nothing to do with Asperger's Syndrome. Anger Management classes are a joke and do not work. This isn't just my experience--this is what all the top experts in the field say. Most abusive men never recover and those who do recover are still not supportive and loving. Even if he manages to get to the point where he is no longer abusing you (which, statistically, is extremely unlikely), he will never be a real partner to you. Again, this has nothing to do with AS and everything to do with the psychology of abuse.

It does not matter how you act or what you do or how you try to help--this isn't about you. You can possibly make it worse but if you were the Virgin Mary you still couldn't make it better. Leave, leave, leave.

Yes it'll break your vision of a nice, cohesive family but you picked the wrong guy for that. That dream is already dead. You cannot save it. Sorry for the bluntness but I wish I'd understood that when I was where you are. You can't have what you want, no matter how much you are willing to suffer or work for it. It is up to him and he is either incapable or unwilling to give it.

Protect that baby. The baby will not soften his heart. He will hate the child for how the child cries and makes his life difficult. He will hate the child for the time that you spend caring for him or her. He will hate you more because your attention will be divided. Most abusers get much, much worse as soon as the baby is born.

Do not pay any attention to the words the come out of his mouth when he is sorry. Listen to his actions instead.

If you decide to leave, let me know. I can give you phone numbers and information about how to protect yourself and your baby.