AS/NT Relationship Advice Sought

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How important in an AS/NT relationship is it for the AS partner to know/realize/accept that he is on the spectrum? Is it enough for both partners to realize that there are differences and be willing to work on them, like with any relationship? Or does he really need to have an understanding of what the AS/NT differences are??

I don't really feel comfortable "pushing" for a "diagnosis," but from what I've read, the most successful AS/NT relationships are where both partners have an understanding and awareness of AS and the differences/difficultiest that could arise.

Thank you!

I think you should read some books written by people with Aspergers (or their partners) who actually have a successful relationship before you bring it up. Many people with Aspergers are really good at researching things and there's a lot of Garbage on the internet that would certainly cause problems. It's important for you to understand that when faced with a problem he will more than likely disappear for awhile. This has nothing to do about if he cares about you or not, it's a coping mechanism. Most people with Aspergers require huge amounts of time alone and to let them have this time allows them to work through problems.
And another thing........if he has problems talking to you face to face you can always try putting him in a dimly lit room. That evens things up a bit and he should open right up.

My last girlfriend and current best friend started reading up on AS to understand why we were having so many meaningless fights.

I notice a big difference.

Not having the person you're serious with know about AS is like trying to hide your wheelchair. It's not a good idea and it won't work anyway.

I agree, but it's important to know each other anyway. The only thing that would make me wait about telling a person I thought they might have Aspergers is garbage on the internet that sometimes makes people on the spectrum to be somewhat robot like.

I think this is true. If you want a serious NT/AS relationship to survive, it's crucial that this is discussed. Sooner or later, the relationship will suffer needlessly. At least you can work on the problems if you address them.

I have suggested to him that I think he has AS. He was open to the possibility, and even checked a book out of the library. I don't think he read it -- just scanned a checklist. I think it was one of Tony Atwood's book. From my BF's point of view, the concerns he has have to do with his cognitive, learning problems. He knows he has really poor eye contact and has hard a hard time making friends, is different, but I don't think he really understands how he is so different socially.

I suggested he mention the possibility of his having AS to his therapist. I thought for sure the therapist would agree it was a possibility, and then we would have a "professional" involved. Yeah, I'd read about all the missed diagnosis, but I thought in my BF's case, it was pretty obvious. When most people meet him, they know immediately that he's a little bit different. Unfortunately, I was wrong about the therapist. He told my BF he was "too normal" and "not autistic enough" to have AS. He also suggested I was one of those people who was always diagnosing others. (I swear I'm not.)(See my post "I Think My Boyfriend Is on the Spectrum" if you want to make a call yourself.)

So, now I feel like we're facing an uphill battle. My BF really sincerely is willing to work on whatever we need to. But I don't think he thinks he has an ASD. He has also told me that he doesn't want to be labeled. Which I can understand...sort of But now I don't know how to proceed...I don't want to force a label on him. But I also don't want to feel like we're denying reality. I also don't want to be the only one in the relationship who is aware of the AS/NT differences. I realize I might have to do more of the adapting, but I really want us to both be aware of the differences, both take the difference between on.

Am I being unreasonable here? This is a genuine question. Sometimes I think that his being so willing to work on things is enough. Other times I feel like there's going to be trouble down the road if there isn't a mutual understanding that he has an ASD.

Some more thoughts and info --

My BF and I are both really easy going. We get along really well and haven't had any major issues. My only real concern about our relationship (so far) is not that he is on the spectrum, but that he doesn't KNOW he's on the spectrum. When an AS/NT issue comes up, I want us to be able to figure it out together, maybe enough laugh about it together. I don't want to have to just think to myself "oh, that's AS again."

Also -- right now we have a long distance relationship. He's planning to move here in the next couple of months, away from his family and friends. I know this is a big deal for him, as it would be for anyone, but maybe more so.

If you think it's important for us to both be on the same page with the AS, is this an issue I should push to resolve before he moves?? Should I wait until he's settled, then go slowly? Should I just forget about this and stop worrying???

He should be professionally tested by a neutral party.

Denying this isssue is like denying a drinking problem. If theres a root to the cause of difficulties IT needs to be addressed and identified and hopefully accepted.

If you're willing to let him live with you thats sharing your life in a big way. I don't think it's too much to ask that he get tested so you two can better cope.

Often the mistake is made that a spouse can change thier partners behavior AFTER the marriage, and how often has that ended badly?

I don't really want to change his behavior...his behavior is fine...it's just different. What I really want is for both of us to understand why we might sometimes see or interpret things differently, react differently, need to make extra efforts to be understood...I want to be able to talk about all this openly.

Well, knowledge is power... and knowledge of self is very powerful indeed...

I tried to make it work with NT's... and finally got lucky and met my wife, who is a fellow Aspie. We had no idea there WAS such a thing as Asperger's when we met... and didn't until our youngest son was diagnosed. All I knew was, we fit together, we got along, and both shared a lot of traits.

I was engaged to two different NT women before I met my wife, and both were horrible disasters. They were VERY wonderful people who I put through hell. I didn't do it intentionally, they just couldn't adapt to my comfort zone, and I couldn't make myself social enough to interact with their world. We never knew WHY it didn't work, we certainly cared enough about each other. It ripped me apart to lose them, and still hurts today in a small way. I think if I'd known about Asperger's at the time, and THEY had known, then it's barely possible one of those relationships might have worked. Without the knowledge... not a chance in hell.

I'm NT and as soon as I realised my partner was Aspie and read up on the subject (and he did the same) our relationship was vastly improved. I used to think he was just being difficult and the meltdowns were scary, but now we know why we have these differences they're not really an issue any more. I think it's always better to have all the information.

Professional evaluation by a neutral party might be the way to go. I was just hoping to avoid that because of the cost and we'd have to travel far. Does anyone know how much an evaluation would cost (approximately)?