People of the 40-ish age.........

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how young would you consider dating....... seriously? like eventually bring home to the parents.

i've been head over heals for like 2yrs now with someone who is now 39 :/

we're great friends though, me being me, i'm trying on him sometimes... he's AS savvy, at least... but definitely NT.

but any time the topic comes up... all i can get out of him is that he, "doesn't know what would happen to us."

it's just so confusing cause i know he likes me, but......

i still cant do anything but obsess...

even after 2 yrs.

For me as long as they were a consenting adult and had the maturity to know what they wanted, it would not make any difference even if they were 20 years younger than me.

I'm 38. At first thought I'd say that if I were single again I wouldn't date anyone younger than 21 as long as she were mature, intelligent, and world-wise. But I've been thinking about it and at this point in my life there are FAR more variables to consider than before. I'm older, I'm on a highly mobile career track, I have tons of baggage, I'm very set in my patterns and habits, I'm habitually depressive, opinionated, and rash, I have specific dietary requirements and restrictions, I'm not into socializing, and my guitar obsession can be rather consuming. (I can imagine the private messages from attractive young women are about to start flooding my inbox... ) I don't think that I would have the heart to subject myself to a young woman full of life and hope and potential. If I loved her at all I would have to walk away, and if I didn't love her I'd be cruel and selfish to lead her on. I guess I'm cruel and selfish because my wife is 8 years younger and I knew I had issues when we met.

I'm not saying that's the case with your 'friend' - I'm just relating my own personal perspective - in fact your age difference is rather minimal. 13 years is really no big deal, especially at his age, and knowing you're the one with AS I'd venture to say that it could really work out well. From the sound of it he does care about you enough to take your future into consideration and wants you to be sure that you would not regret being with him later on when he's in his mid 50s and you're hitting your sexual peak.

If you're talking about the guy being forty and the woman being thirty, that's one thing. No problem there as both are more or less at the same level of maturity and experience.

If you're talking about the guy is forty and the girl is eighteen, that's wrong. The difference in maturity level and life experience are way too broad. It suggests that the guy is using the girl simply to live out a fantasy. No wonder he wouldn't want to meet the parents.

What do you do if she is 21 year old aspie and you are 35.

It's all about the individuals involved not generalisations.

You have to look at what is best for both of you.

Sometimes you have to follow your heart.
The 'sensible' option is not always the right one.

You said it better then I could. There are too many factors that other people could not see.

Anything is possible, but a person is essentially a teenager until their mid-twenties. That has been my experience anyway. A 21 year old woman and a 35 year old man seems odd to me. I'm 40 now. In developmental terms I'm very different today from what I was at 21. In short, I grew up.

Maybe the question boils down to whether or not grown-ups should date children (or at least non grown-ups). Maybe a 21 year old could possess the maturity to pull it off, but that would be an exception. I would think that a 21 year old aspie would run the risk of being taken advantage of by a 35 year old partner. Age differences and generational differences are two different things.

Even though I'm a 40 year old reclusive aspie who is still waiting to meet the right someone (actually gave up trying a long time ago), I would not feel comfortable dating a 21 year old no matter how compatible she seemed. I would feel uncomfortable meeting her parents because they would certainly, and very reasonably, question my intentions.

"Follow your heart" sounds nice but in practice it usually ends up badly. Your heart is motivated by short-term gratification. Most people seem to confuse lust with love. Lust is an instant and spontaneous reaction. Love takes a long time to develop and long-term relationships have to make sense on a number of levels in order to succeed. The commitment they require is, in large part, a result of a mental process that considers compatibility, timing, parity, and sensibility. When people circumvent this process and allow emotion alone to dictate their actions, they oftentimes end up disappointed.

Convincing yourself that you see things in a person that others can't is comforting. People outside the bubble, however, are sometimes able to see things you can't. Why? Because they can view the situation objectively. When major things are at stake an objective perspective has much more value than a completely subjective one.

Age differences aside, my advice would be to force the issue of meeting your parents. Refuse to take no for an answer. If he still resists, you need to ask yourself, and him, why that is.

In the context of him meeting the parents, you're wondering whether the age difference makes a difference. You can bet he is to. If he thinks dating you is socially acceptable, make him prove it. He owes you at least that. You may well have reached a roadblock in your relationship that can't be overcome or ignored. Better to figure things out sooner than later.

People outside cant see the compatibility that aspies have. Because none of them don’t even know what Aspergers is. It is often the case NTs cant see things objectively.

At the moment, I feel like an idiot for letting her go. How could finding anyone, to stop loneliness, just because she is my age, be a better alternative. Wouldn’t I just be leading her on. Because if I find true love, I would leave her straight away.

Actually now you mention it, that is often what older woman do in contrast with younger. They get older. Realise they are running out of time, settle with anyone. Someone who previously they wouldn’t go for, but never give up looking for true love. When they do, they are off.

At this current time I keep in contact with an older woman, who I met on vacation. I go to see her sometimes. I really like her a lot, she appears to like me allot too. But I always think, would she go out with me in her younger days. And am I her true love, or someone to fill a void.

I do like her very much though.

NTs do have trouble understanding our world, but I think they would still be able to sense whether or not a relationship fundamentally made sense.

My feeling is that the best partner for an aspie is another aspie. That's tough for most of us to find, so we settle for something that doesn't really accommodate us. That in itself is a recipe for disaster. A 21-year old aspie involved with a 35-year old NT is almost certain to end-up hurt.

Then again, for us ending-up hurt is par for the course. This is particularly the case in that still hopeful 18 to 30 year old age bracket, this being the period in your life that precedes the decision to just not give a sh*t anymore. Maybe for some people a brief period of feeling like you can somehow fit-in with the rest of the world is worth the misery that follows the inevitable realization that you can't.

39 - 26 = 13

wow , this equals to an age of teen boy who's just about to reach full puberty.

I am 35 and I can't think like that. I have no choice but to try or face a world of chronic depression.

In most cases I would agree with Kurt that 40-21 or 35-21 would probably not be a good match.

I would not feel comfortable going with a 21 year old in most cases.

But a hard and fast rule does not hold. It may be wrong for 99 people that does not mean that it is wrong for number 100.

Only the people involved can tell if it is right or wrong for them.

People outside may have some good advice. They may be right. But it is not their decision.

Life is short. Somethings should not be given up without good reason.

Sedaka's bio says 26. IMO the closer you get to 30 the less it matters.
Are you dating right now or 'just friends'? I wasn't sure.

You don't have to fit in with the rest of the world. What is good is finding a little bit of it that fits in with you.

That's just silly! That is too big of an age gap. You are at two totally different points in your lives! I'd guess that there is a 95% chance that it ends bad.

i've dated older

a lovely Argentinian man... whom i very fond of

just friends....... though we first met cause he hit on me lol

just frustrating... it's more complicated but that's besides the point, argh.

just gonna keep goin i guess