Am I really a paranoid mum?

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Today was the first day back at school for J.
He looked worried before he even got there, when I asked him if he was ok, it took him a little while to respond that he was worried the other kids would pick on him. I reassured him as best as I could.
Then we get into the yard and he isn't sure where to line up, he looks like he wants to cry. I take him to his teacher and tell her he is a little stressed and confused about where he should be. She aims him to the grade 3 line, then says no and puts him in the grade 4 line (he is in grade 3 because he repeated grade2 we didn't know he had AS then)
Ok I leave it alone but I'm standing where I can see him. The school has a short assembly, then they are all told to go to their class room lines. Again he is confused I can see it in his face and he doesn't know where to stand. He is trying to follow his teacher but she is busy with another girl who will be in J's class, a girl whom the whole school has recognised has a disability (I'm not sure what) she is holding the girls hand and taking this girl to where they all need to line up. J is stressed but not saying anything. I'm getting more stressed watching, I want to just leave and not make a sceen that is emabaressing to him. But she has ignored him and is expecting him to know what is going on and he obviously is feeling a little out of his depth. I wasn't going to say anything to her, I was going to leave it up to the doc's during their school meeting in a couple of weeks. But I am cross, I dont think the dragon lady vice principle or his last year teacher has passed on any information to this teacher. So I said to her before I left " I'm not sure if your aware or not but J was diagnosed with aspergers at the end of last year and he is a little stressed and confused right now" She blew me off with a "he'll be fine" she didn't even look his way. I left the school feeling like the "paranoid mum" feeling cross, thinking it's started again, information isn't getting passed on. I'm not even sure if she realises he is a grade3 (it's a composite class 3's and 4's). I don't want to be a paranoid worry wart of a mother, I just want to know that I can hand my kid over to someone who has a little understanding about him, and will keep an eye on his anxiety.
God knows school is hard enough for him. I guess I will find out how it all went when I pick him up later.

I had the same experience when I was a kid, only my mom wasn't there. I always seemed to be the last to know what's going on.

You're not paranoid, you just want the best for your son.

All mother worry its shows they care, I use say good bye quite quickly to mine and just leave, if sure less, worried less and both of my boys turned out ok.

"He'll be fine" is not very reassuring but rather abrupt and general. As a teacher, if a parent approached me and said this I would take it quite seriously and if I didn't know (which I should have), I would make an appointment, get her number, and tell her I'd like to speak to her some more concerning the diagnosis. If I did know, I would reassure her that I was aware, had done some homework, and would be keeping an eye out.

You are in no way paranoid. You suspected your son was not being acknowledged.

I've been in this siutation and every time I do advocate for him either by speaking to teacher or helping him personally.

It is awful to watch them floudering. They really seem clueless and struggle to figure out what everyone else catches onto so quickly.

I hope it went well for him today!

equinn

That's not paranoia! I'm a very unemotional type, but reading about events like this gets to me like nothing else.

You would like to think the school allocated your son to a teacher and mix of students that would be best for him.

Have you spoken to the school about what their management plan is for this year? The response you get can reveal a lot of info. eg their level of knowledge of AS and their management approach (if any). In addition to speaking to the school hierarchy, if possible book as casual chat with the teacher to gauge her style and attitude.

I hope he's had a good day today!

My beautiful 6yo AS son starts grade 1 on Monday.

BTW: I'm in Melb too.

Well he's home. Apparently he's had a bit of a good day and a bit of a bad day He and 3 other boys got told off for not listening.(twice) J tells me they were talking about the work they had to do. Thats all he will say he doesn't want to talk about school anymore. Hope it was normal school stuff and not a case of him not realising he had to listen.
Ah well all I can do is wait for J's team to meet with the school, unless something major happens that is.

Don't let them make you feel paranoid - you should made to feel welcome if your son is going into a supportive environment. First day back I would have wanted to stay around to make sure my child was safe and felt comfortable. Some children cope really easily - others need that little bit more support. I remember being told to leave my daughter at the gate and not to follow her into school. I ignored this advice and did what both myself and my daughter wanted me to do.
I was made to feel like a paranoid and over protective mum. But I know now you have to have the courage and strength to challenge the system and do what you feel is right for your child. No one knows your childs needs better than you do. He will have enough struggles simply coping with the aspergers - and he needs your support to ease some of the burden.

is it *possible* that the teacher was so busy and distrated with this other girl that she came off as abrupt to you ?

Hi aurea,

no you're not a paranoid mum - I'd be just the same, and was for most of last year. It's horrible watching your child become upset and no-one helping them . I don't care anymore what anyone in the school thinks of me; I do what I have to do and stuff 'em!

At least your son's first day back went okay - that's a positive. I hope he's had a good week.

And hello to Earthshine 2112 - I'm in Melbourne too and my son is 6 and in grade 1 as well! I hope you've had a good experience at your school, (what area are you in?).

Temma.

No, you're not paranoid. I agree with one of the posts that suggested meeting with the teacher. I am planning to meet with my son's teacher for this year as I did with his teacher last year. I give them a typed list of specific AS behaviours that my son is likely to exhibit and talk through it, and then suggest they may want to refer back to it if there is "bad behaviour" etc. I write it down and give it to them (as opposed to just telling them) so there is more chance that they'll remember it and refer back to it, rather than them forgetting half of it or just getting left with the expectation that my kid will come across a bit "weird".

My biggest paranoia for me about school is the whole playtime/lunchtime thing, as the teachers are relatively scarce. At least if my kid's in class they have the teacher to help them out, but I sort of live in dread of what happens in the playground, particularly bullying type situations. I plan to talk to them this year about making a "safe place" for him to go if he is feeling wound up or that others are getting on his case.

Hope things go well for you.

That seems like a good idea, writing out a list of possibly troublesome behaviors and what you have found works to help sort them out. What we are finding is that there seems to be a world of difference in how our little one deals with things at our house, at her daddy's house on the weekend, and at school during the week.

We had a meeting last week to discuss some issues and try to get us all to share concerns and good strategies, and the principal basically blew us off, saying that she didn't see any signs of autistic spectrum in our little one, even though she does have a diagnosis from our family therapist (himself the father of an AS son).

Still it seems like a good idea, and I'm thinking we should ask if the teacher she will have next year can be at the IEP meeting later this month so she will have a head's up on what the issues have been and how they've been dealing with them, as well as what we have found helpful here at home.

Before we knew that my son had AS I'm sure that the school thought I was a protective mother. In my case I wasn't about to let them blow me off. My son missed his picture being taken one day because there was no one there to guide him as to what paper he needed to turn in, after I had explained it to him several times that morning. I asked for the photographer to come back out just to take his picture, the school complied. Whenever he was having a hard time with something I came in and talked to the principle, vise principle, teachers, even the janitor. They all must of thought that I was crazy. Everything from him hiding whenever he got stressed out to lashing out to having a tantrum was reported to me. When he was finally diagnosed I had such a burden taken from my shoulders. It was as if I was saying "there you see, now I had a reason to bother all of you." After he was dignosed with AS I read everybook I could get my hands on. Most of the suggestions that were in the book my school was already doing because they were just so obvios. During the summer I met with his 5th grade teacher and told her about sergio's diagnosis. When school started I learned that she had gone out of her way and taken some courses and also read up a lot on AS. She is my biggest alli there at my sons school. Being picked on was one of my biggest concerns with him because it depressed him so much. Me and my husband came to his class and talked to the children about AS. They are old enough now to understand that there are some things that he cannot control, such as his pacing and flaping his hand whenever thay are at recess, he rocks when hes nervous with a situation, sometimes he just says things without thinking them through, they dont poke fun of him anymore. I think he now considers some of them nice people because the stop and ask him if hes ok whenever they see him upset. They guide him to his next calsses, sometimes he forgets what class he was going to or what he needed for the class. I think that we as parents need to be our childrens voice because a lot of times they will just sit there and be confused. We can't just stand by and let this happen.

I love that you did all that. Would you please come to our school and talk to my oldest granddaughter's class that way? We have long suspected she has ADHD, and the more I learn about Autism I wonder if she actually has that (high functioning). I don't know how well I would do in speaking to the teacher and the class - especially at our school where they deny any of the children are having problems because it looks bad on their reports and they want to keep their standing as being one of the highest ranking schools in our district.

Do they have a copy of the report providing an official diagnosis of Asperger's? Because they are effectively not only disbelieving the relatives but also a qualified professional. I'll bet he would be very unimpressed to know what they thought.

Where I live, I was meant to give a talk about having Aspergers to a group of university medical students, but it fell through because I don't drive now and it was ultimately thought it was better to just get a bit of information off me from a phone call and then it could be passed on to the students.

It's a very excellent idea to get either a parent/relative of an Aspie child or an adult with Asperger's to give a talk to the school staff/students and I hope somebody will be able to do it.

HI, sorry it took me a while to get back to you, don't get around to checking my e-mails on the weekend. Thanks for replying. I live in Texas I saw that you were from Kansas, what part of Kansas? I went to college there. About me going to talk to your grandaughters school, I don't know if I would be the best suited person for that job. When I came to talk to my sons class I was a bit apprehensive and nervous. My son has a great teacher that helped us and supports my son 100%. Has your grandaughter been diagnosed with AS yet? The therapist or counselor can have alot of ideas on what sort of speach you can give to the class. In my case, some of the kids were making fun of my son and thoght him weird. I came in with a list of famous people who were believed to have AS as well as some that were already diagnosed with it. That brought me down to their level cause then they thought it was cool that one of their classmates had something in common with someone everyone knew. So then little hands started going up, they were asking all sorts of questions about everything that made my son stand out to them. They were seeing similarities that they had with him. (punky loves to read and withdraws himself from kids, But he also has a great sense of humor most things are phrases he has read or heard on T.V) We talked for about an hour they asked us and him anything they wanted to know, we didn't mind any question no matter how personal. To them I guess it was a way to get everything out in the open all their curiosities were answered. I knew I had done the right thing when one of the boys my son was having problems came up to me after we had talked and told me that he was sorry for all the mean things he had ever said or done to him. Now he is one of his beggest supporters. I can go on and on but what it comes down to is Your grandaughters family knows her the best, They are her best advocates. As for the school not wanting to recognize that she has a disability I would rethink if this is the best choice of school for her. I know that without the help of the staff at his school I would be at a loss. They have been very helpful.