Not wanting to take relationships to the next level

Post Reply New Topic

My biggest problem in relationships is not finding someone, it's as I get involved with a woman, they want to take the relationship further then I have ever felt comfortable with.

For instance, they want to move in, even though I like living alone and having my space.

They start pressing for marriage or kids, two things I've never been interested in.

What irrates me the most is I have always been up front about this from the very begening, and they said they were fine with that, they weren't into that kind of stuff anyway. That is until a few months down the road they start to have a change of heart.

What's even worse is they get this mind-set that they invested themselves in you, and that it's your obligation to "do the right thing" and marrying them or take the relationship to "the next level."

That's one of the reasons I started to shy away from relationships. People are always trying to take away my freedom, and invade my space. I like the idea of a relationship better than what it has always turned out to be.

Yeah. I need my space, and it seems they just can't get that in their head, or take it personally, like I don't like them or something.

Eventually it gets irritating and I end it. Basically tell them "I told you from begening how I am. I think you'd be better off woth some other guy."

I guess you need to clarify what you want from a relationship. It's give and take.

I'm not sure why you'd have a relationship over a friendship anyway if you weren't considering "hooking up". A lot of people don't like casual sex or being a (what's the phrase from vanilla sky - I can't write it here).

Who said anything about casual sex, or an f-buddy. I think stupid to think you can't have a intimate relationship with someone without having to marry them or want to have children with them and giving up your personal freedoms.

I think that's a problem with a lot relationships. People give up their identities and spend way to much time with their partner to the point they start to hate each other or lose whatever attraction you had for them in the first place.

I know a lot people been with their partner so long they are not even sexually attracted to them.

I hate this mind-set that once involved with someone you "have to do everything together."

I guess that where I was headed was...

If you were looking for a friend of the opposite sex to have a friendship with, then I could understand that you'd be miffed at them getting the wrong idea.

Once you start kissing/cuddling etc... ie: things that you generally wouldn't be doing with your mates, it would probably give her the idea that you've changed your mind.

I think that might be called having your cake and eating it too.

This is a great scenario especially when you're young and have plenty of time to lose. The problem is that everyone has some sort of hidden agenda - whether you're aware of it or not. Go far enough into a relationship and the agenda will eventually surface.

Good for you that you are up front about what you want.

I don't think you can legitimately be blamed if you are honest from the beginning. However, for practical reasons, you may wish to be more emphatic/repetitive about it.

I'm speaking as someone who has often run into trouble through only telling someone something once, and expecting that to be enough. NT's say things they don't mean to each other so frequently, that they often don't start to take something seriously unless it's really reinforced.

Yeah I feel you. I think that relationships are a state of being. I find many reasons why I would not want to have children or get married and they are entirely practical and important to my happiness and survival.

You need to find someone who isn't just fine with never getting married and having kids, but feels the same way. Because if it's something they are just putting up with, then eventually how they really feel will surface, as your experiences show, and then they will either want you to change, or move on. It's not fair for either person this way.

Peace,

Windlord.

Part of the problem is biology. These women may not even be dishonest, but forming those "love" attachments triggers other things in the brain. Practical/reasonable goals are not necessarily powerful enough to negate that fact. Most people have a drive to do things like be very close to their mates and have sex/children (sometimes those desires are intertwined and sometimes not). It was to our evolutionary advantage to have those desires. Even those who consciously prefer to live alone or not to have children will generally have at least some trace of an urge to live in family groups and reproduce.

You are looking for a very rare woman, to form an emotional/biological attachment to you without also developing the wish to have that which usually comes with being someone's mate. Like Windlord says, you need someone who is extra determined to achieve the same thing you are wanting. This isn't just an issue of respecting your boundaries, but of locating an individual who is as atypical as yourself, in the same way.

(edited for spelling)

yeah, what you want is going to sound pretty unusual to most people. maybe that's why the women get confused, because i would consider a relationship that is not headed toward marriage, kids, or even living together, to be just a f-buddy, even if it's an exclusive one.

i wish you well in your seach for this atypical woman you seek, but maybe you should just tell women you want more of a f-buddy, because i think that would be an easier concept for them, rather than your want of an intimate but also very seperated relationship, which is going to frustrate and confuse the average person.