Neighbor whose son is obviously Aspie -- how to give info

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I have a neighbor who's son is definitely Aspie. I wasn't sure up until recently, but I've seen things over the years that have
convinced me, such as the following:

1. Very, very bright -- amazingly advanced in mathematics
2. No social skills. Literally NO social skills.
3. Superiority complex.
4. No feelings for family. Has told my son that he doesn't really like his family at all.
5. Tendency to forget things.
6. The tendency to forget things is further hampered by thinking that what he forgets isn't necessary to his life.
7. Immature (which is made worse by the fact that he has skipped a grade -- 10 years old but in sixth grade, and also doing eighth grade mathematics)
8. Absolutely sure that he is right in almost every situation. Ignores others if he realizes they are right in a debate.
9. Very few positive relationships at school, teachers as well as students.
10.Lack of organizational skills, but this is masked by his incredible intellectual skills.

This is only a partial list -- there is much, much more to the story.

The family situation is further complicated by the fact that this kid is Asian, and adopted by caucasian parents. His sibling (two years younger) is also Asian. He is also a very bright kid, but has definite social skills. The older boy greatly resents the younger boy.

The mother is a wonderful lady, very animated, very much into making sure her boys are well-educated. She is in the rather unorthodox position of having two other neighbors (myself and another lady) who have boys diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. This mother has expressed a "wonder" if her son is Asperger's as well. Previously I have been wondering myself, but thinking that maybe he would be ok without the formal diagnosis. Now, I'm not so sure. He is becoming further isolated from his peers because of his incredible intellect -- allowed to not listen in class, but to do extra work during class on the computer. He is expressing further disconnect from his family. He is "friends" with my son, but periodically disconnects from him as well. We meet at the bus stop, and this little guy rarely talks to us. If I think of a subject he would enjoy, he becomes very animated and quickly tells us all about it, and where we are lacking in our understanding of it -- but otherwise, prefers to not talk at the bus stop.

A number of school personnel and bus personnel have brought this little guy's antisocial behavior to the attention of the mother. She is concerned, but isn't doing anything active to check on a diagnosis.

I wonder which book I could give to her that might help her have an "aha" moment and roll her in the right direction. Getting a diagnosis would be beneficial, I think -- even if it ends up NOT being Asperger's, at least she might get some help for him socially before it's too late. I also wonder if any of you have had similar situations, and have been able to positively impact the family that you were working with.

Thanks,

Kris

I really don't think I would say anything else to her. The school has been telling her there are problems. She has voiced some concerns. I don't think you can convince her of anything. She's heard it from several other people.

The "no feelings for his family" thing would really weird me out. It sounds more like an attachment disorder/mental illness than AS. I would not tell her that her son has AS. She might take comfort in that, when in reality he has something more serious going on.

People on the higher end of the spectrum form strong attachments to others...especially their immediate family. I believe people on the lower end do too, but their expressive communication is not there to convey what they are really thinking.

I agree...it is up to the school to step in if a serious problem exists. In addition, this boy has other factors to consider in being an
Asian adopted by Caucasian parents...

There is alot of truth in the poem by Robert Frost, "Fences make good neighbors"...in spite of your good intentions.

i can understand your concern for the boy and his family. you say that the mom has expressed concern about the boy having aspergers.....has she expressed this specifically to you ?

if she has asked for your advice in the past, then i think it's worth mentioning a couple of book titles to her. otherwise, i'd stay out of it . some people are very difficult to deal with when it comes to their kids.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships might be a good book to give if she reads.

as far as not liking his family~ could just be a situational event......my son's reported not liking us much after he's been disciplined.

Thank you for all of your posts, and I agree with all of them. It could NOT be Asperger's, it could be something else, and I shouldn't step in unless asked. She did actually ask me about Asperger's, in relation to her son, but has kind of dropped the conversation. We are not real close friends, although we do like each other.

As some of you have pointed out, what bothers me is the lack of attachment to his family. I've only heard this one comment "I don't really like my family" once, and that was through my son. But I have personally heard him complain about his little brother, and how once the brother joined the family it "ruined his life" a number of times. Ordinarily, I wouldn't think more of this than just a little normal sibling rivalry. And I most definitely could be making a mountain out of a mole hill, but a running tape of the Virginia Tech disaster keeps running through my mind, along with a mental picture that the shooter could have been like this little neighbor kid when he was young and nobody did anything for him.

If he could just get some social skills classes, or talk with somebody about how he feels about his family, I think it might be helpful to him AND his family. One of the other things that we have talked about as being one of his problems is the prototypical executive dysfunction -- and I'm wondering if that's a way to suggest that she look into it and get him some help.

It's the "attachment disorder" concept that is the thing that worries me --

Thanks for your help.

The immaturity thing alone makes it sound like something different, look at this please. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt30823.html
Besides, that "thinks he is always right, ignores people who prove him wrong" thing doesn't really sound like us to me.

The trust issue has nothing to do with Asperger's, it has something to do with being adopted. According to Erick Erickson's psychological devopment theory, he must have gotten stuck at the first stage of development (trust) because he never had any parents to as a baby. (Unless he was handed right over after being born)

Another thing about this story --

This kid is a kid with a lot of potential. He's so bright, and I get the feeling that whenever you talk about his various interests, he's fairly sociable concerning those interests. He has parents who really love him, and a younger brother who could basically teach him social skills, given half a chance.

A very frustrating situation.

Kris

Why are you so frustrated? They're your neighbors. I think it's up to the parents and the school to make sense of this. If he has loving parents and he's generally happy and has potential, why worry so much? I highly doubt he's going to turn into the Virginia Tech kid just because he's Aspie and Asian. In fact, I find the comparison offensive, considering.

Yeah that probably was kind of an offensive thing to say -- I apologize for that.

The point is, he doesn't look happy. Maybe he is -- I don't know -- but the vibes I get from his mother and the way he acts, he doesn't seem all that happy.

I'm frustrated because I see what I perceive (I could be totally wrong) to be a sadness in him, and a sadness in his mother. I wish I could help, but it looks as if I should just do nothing. The Virginia Tech reference mostly is applicable because that kid was obviously bright, and had social problems, but very few people were able to follow through with some help for this guy that could have prevented his life, and those of his victims, from ending. If you could prevent that from happening, one would certainly want to do something if one could.

Kris

Based on the information provided, it sounds possible that there is an abusive situation in this child's home. Some of the observations could be a result of this, or some other problem unrelated to AS. I'm not saying he doesn't have AS, but it sounds like there are other possible explanations for the observed behavior.