Sometimes feel I am the only one unhappy to have AS.

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I wish I was normal. Normal people can still be clever, yeah? And they can interact with each other. I'm not as "different" as some aspies. I don't think I have a singular interest, my interests change like the wind. I don't have a hobby (well, that requires money, and we ain't got none) but even so, I prolly wouldn't have one. As a matter of fact, I'll be trying to immerse myself in one thing, but then get completely side-tracked by another, until I have only bits of knowledge about a whole rang of different things. My memory stopped being brilliant when I was about 10. I'm not exceptionally bright (IQ 127). I am not gifted in any particular area (a talent for writing perhaps, but still nothing really remarkable. My teachers prolly just are used to having students who jsut don't care).

I want to fit in. I want to connect with people. I want to know that what I feel inside is what other people feel. I don't have to be a carbon copy. I can still be me. I just want to belong. I don't want to be lonely anymore. But other aspies never seem to understand.

I feel caught in the middle.

Does anybody in the world ever feel like this, or am I just some sort of freak? Am I faulty because I can't appreciate what other people see as a "gift"? Is it bad to wish I was different?

you're not the only one....

No, you aren't the only one. I've spent much of my life trying to circumvent the 'differentness' in myself, and let me tell you, it isn't worth it. I sometimes envy the normies, sometimes I'm glad I'm not one (although I'm not usually as hostile as some of what I've seen on this site, no offense to anyone in particular), but fighting against yourself takes away an enormous amount of energy that could be spent gaining a skill, becoming proficient in something...you know, all of those things that makes a person proud to be autistic.

I think some of those super-intelligent aspies were born super-intelligent. However, I think some of them are just people who never let that envy take them over.

I'm not thrilled about it myself. I guess I'd like to be more like other people, it's probably an unattainable goal, but that doesn't mean I should stop trying...

I certainly don't like some of the associated difficulties, such as anxiety. I have a lot of strengths associated with AS, but also some major weaknesses.

No, you aren't the only one who feels this way.

I have my days where I am proud of who I am, then I have my days where I can't help but want to be a different person...someone more "socially-capable". I do want to connect with others and thats something that doesn't come naturally to me [usually]. I know that I can't change who I am...so I have accepted that I have to learn to get around the obstacles in my life to me able to do that.

You aren't faulty...everyone has different thoughts and opinions about AS and there is no one correct answer [whether AS is a gift or curse]. It's not bad to wish you were different, a lot of people wish that.
A bit of advice though...the sooner you accept who you are, the sooner you will become happy with who you are.

When I was younger I wanted to be like everyone else. I was lonely and wanted acceptance and companionship. Feeling left out all the time really hurt. Over the last 5-6 years I gradually stopped feeling that way as I accepted that I didn't think the way everyone else did. I accepted being alone, then I found out I have AS.

You're fine, and you're sure not alone by a long shot.

When I was in Uni I felt like this every day. I even sought out counseling so I could find out why I consistantly didn't fit in. They didn't know about AS back then, so they would shrug(!) It's onlt as I've aged, and been exposed to the dark side of NTs that I'm glad I'm different.

I am glad I know that I have AS. I lived for nearly 40 years wondering what was wrong. It was like living

with a stranger . I still have much to learn, and I hope all of you also study AS.

Ur not da only 1 i have had AS for 10 years i know its tough but u have 2 get on wid it.

I feel the same way. I even looked online for AS suppport groups and then find media pages potraying AS as almost a mental disorder. Well, I just look at as a quirk. I have same problem even now. I want to get with someone but don't know where to start. Same thing with my job. I try get along with the ppl I work with and they get an attitude or treat me like I'm stupid. Like you said, I don't want to be like "everyone" else I just want to be able and express what I'm feeling verbally instead of having to type in this stuff. Reason typing helps is I have time to think before I get what I'm thinking out. It's a hard Knock Life.

Right-at least having a name for "what is this ?" is less stressful & bewildering than getting a new label/acronym (from counselor, or from reading books on my own) every few years-especially when those previous labels don't quite seem to fit properly.
My feelings about the dx range & shift, so it's not that I'm thrilled to be how I am (sometimes it's okay, sometimes it's totally depressing). It's that I can rest, from the search for what to call it-and instead focus on how to use this information in being able to cope better (incl. explaining to others who would misinterpret my behavior).

I'm going to be however I am, but I didn't decide/choose to be "unusual" on purpose, I just turned out how I turned out-and the dx acknowledges this. For instance: I've always hated most food. People (incl. family) were mean to me about this. Then a few years ago I learned of "sensory hypersensitivity" (to tactile, olfactory, and gustatory stimuli)-and my reactions finally make more sense. I'm not bad, finicky, whiny, fussy, spoiled-I really do experience/perceive/sense these items (foods) differently (more intensely, in negative/aversive way) than others do.

You're definitely not the only one who feels like this. I don't have any special talents that could be attributed to AS. My IQ is around the same as yours, and I don't even have a writing talent. I have some hobbies, but none of them are intense enough and I'm not talented enough at any of them to make them my career (I do have a job however, and I do OK at it, but I don't have standout talents in any areas.) (An example: I like to crochet and knit, and am OK at it, but don't have the talent to create fabulous and different patterns. If I were to design something, it'd look a lot like things that had been designed before..it wouldn't be an original.)

EVen if I am interested in something I'm not driven enough to learn all there is about it and become an expert at it. I also don't have the unemotional, logical mind that many Aspies seem to have, and any decisions I make are always colored somewhat by emotion.

The worst Aspie traits I have are social problems. Like you I would like to have frirends and be around people a lot, but don't know how to. I don't have problems understanding where NT's are coming from in many cases, and don't feel like an alien at all except for not being able to talk to people, strike up conversations and friendships and relationships. For isntance if NT's describe a typical NT weekend (if there is such a thing), I have no trouble empathizing with them about the boring parts or seeing what they enjoyed about the fun parts, and I often feel envious that I can't have weekends like that and have friends, a spouse or partner, kids, etc. But I know if I had people in my life I'd be horrible with them and they'd have to get away from me and I'd probably be a horrible parent, so I never tried to have kids. But I perfectly understand why people would want kids, want to have friends and a social life, have a romantic relationship. I'm just not able to do those things most of the time.

You're not the only one. I wish it could be "cured" for much the same reasons you do. When I first learned about my Asperger's (less than one month ago) I started learning more about what it is, of course. At first I was baffled as to why so many Aspies are against Autism Speaks. I, for one, agree with their stance on curing Autism. However, I found out how they REALLY feel (for example, it would be "inappropriate" to hire an Autistic person to work for them), so they can kiss my arse.

Really, I spent many hours with my NT friend(god bless her soul), about this and what i've learned.

Is that

1.) People do care about others

2.) Life's life, make lemonade.

dude you are not alone. i spent my 15 years of lifetime trying to act normal. what i have become is freaking absurd. copy-paste thoughts and behaviours keep failing me harder and harder. by the way i live in Turkey, not many fellas can handle someone so `screwed` here. well after that i chose to be all-alone in life. Obviously i succeeded. Only one fella of mine kept his faith in me. And he helped me see myself like the `normal` fellas see me. So now i am about to make some new moves. Because i dont want to be such a fun-killing miserable selfish lonely jerk all the times.