After 35, you turn invisible.

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One of the hardest things about living life is that you grow older. It's harder when you're a woman, because other people judge you on looks rather than brains. People seemed to listen to me more when I was younger/prettier. Nowadays, rather than being a 'miss' I'm a 'Ma'am,' and I hate it. It's hard to adjust and maybe I'm going through a midlife crisis or something.

Physically, I feel 40, but mentally I'm about 15 (emotionally speaking) and always will be that way (because of the way my mind works). I'm still interested in lots of things that young people talk about and love new music that comes out each year. I don't dress 'young' anymore (stopped doing that a few years ago when someone close to me finally pointed out that I looked ridiculous), and though I've made the necessary lifestyle changes, I still feel terribly unhappy. Other people my age find me tiresome and immature, and younger people think I'm the weird old lady who won't go away.

I noticed that at the age of 35, when I began to show signs of age, people stopped treating me like a human being. I'm now just a curiosity - something to whisper about. There are days when my inability to associate with people my own age (or anyone else for that matter) depresses me to the point of suicide. I don't care about looking older, looks don't matter to me. But what I don't understand is why it is when a woman gets older, suddenly she doesn't matter anymore?

Does anyone else feel 'invisible?'

i have days like that. actually, i have a life like that.
except i think for me it hit me around 30.
and now? yeah, i'm more an 'oddity'...or as you would put it, a curiosity.
(and that whole "ma'am" thing? that is the one thing that makes me feel so much older than i am. i started getting that when i was in my mid-twenties...)
i thought maybe i was having a mid-life crisis, but i think i'm too young for that...lol!
but i do feel like i don't fit in anywhere most days, not with people my own age or older, and not with those who are younger. and it hurts.

As an aspie woman I feel part of the problem is as we find it hard to socialize, instead do we use our looks to get attention, I feel I did when younger and got me into all sorts of problems, of course met all the wrong guys.

I am now in my 40's and enjoying not being quite so "hot" as now I know people are not just interested in me for the way I look, but to be honest it does bother me and feel if had enough money would change a few things.. maybe reinvent myself now and again, like quite a few actors I could name, maybe they are on the spectrum!

Mentally I do feel a lot younger than other people my age, and that does not brother me as much as not really understanding the whole social thing.. but with age becomes confidence and I have learned just to be me and not to worry so much about others, am I more popular NO but given up trying to please everyone else and act the part!

I'm 33 and unable to adapt to adult life. Some people still treat me like if I was really young,
but no one ( important to me) has ever complained to me about my childlike behavior. My family is cool with me, no one else matters.
What helps me sometimes is that i'm an artist and people have always seen me as excentric, I don't really care. they don't live with me or pay my bills.

back to your question, yes people are shallow and they think that women should look young.women spend millions a year in botox, lipo and all kinds of beauty treatments.
i think that you should use your looks to your advantage. I mean, you could dress up and maybe look more sofisticated and mature. a lot of guys like that.

Yeah aging sucks b/c some of us never feel "mature". For me, no matter how groomed I was I still felt invisible. I never felt good about myself and yet I'd see this 51 year old lady who was our nurse. She looked great and I don't mean that as in botox. She had a very bright personality and got people's attention left and right. She was real funny and full of happiness. I know this sounds cliche but I think there's a lot to be said about how you feel on the inside and how it radiates to other ppl. I think women need to stop letting society or entertainment tell them what they're suppose to look like and how they're supppose to act. I've seen some of them older women full of youth.
As for me, I'm freaking out. I'm 26 now and still go back to age 18. I can't believe how fast time goes. I still want to enjoy my life old or not. I don't want to feel like I have to be defined by beauty anymore or how I'm suppose to act. I also really don't look forward to anymore birthdays. I just still can't believe it. I feel like I've missed out on so much. I feel like I need to do something insane but what good would that do.

Exactly. It's hard to find where you belong. In some ways, it reminds me of my teenage years...

Very well-said. Part of my problem is the lack of confidence that you talk about. I used to try too hard to make people like me and though I try to see myself these days as not being that way, I realize that in some ways I still do this. I appreciate your comment; definitely food for thought.

(Hope no one minds all my replies - I was brought up in an 'old school' manner where one is taught to respond to all correspondence).

Anyway, you're an artist? What is your favorite medium to work in? Agreed on the childlike behavior thing - that's where I'm at right now. When I was younger, it was 'cute' but now it's just a bore for those I meet... Maybe when I'm really ancient, I will be one of those eccentric old broads who keep food in the fridge far too long. People still treat me like a child as well, but that's understandable, considering my mentality.


I'm not looking for guys, though. I'm not just a married woman, I'm an old married woman (16 years now). I just think it's stupid that most people judge by looks rather than substance. As a matter of fact, until I found this forum, I hadn't had an 'intelligent' conversation with anyone in years. As for botox, I can't see how people wouldwant that. I'd never consider it because I know what botulinous toxin is and don't want to inject it into my body. I don't think people know what the long-term effects of it might be, so I can't understand why people would take the chance...

I thank you very much for your reply

That's very true. I know a couple of women like that at work - they're either overweight, old or just 'plain' and yet people are drawn to them for their personality. I try to copy their behavior, but coming from me, it's just lame and it never works. People can tell when a good personality is the 'real thing' - how they do it, I have no idea. Eye contact might have a lot to do with it, but it's very, very hard for me to look in people's eyes these days. When I was your age, I was able to do it (or at least 'look' like I was making eye contact) but not anymore.



Twenty-six is still very young (at least to me), but I see where you're coming from. It seems like just the other day I had turned 25 and was upset that I was 'a quarter-century old.' Recently, I just looked up one day, looked around and thought, 'Oh, crap, I'm 40.' The only thing I can tell you is that you're still young, so get out there and live life while you can. Go to new places, see new things and do as much as you can while you healthy and able to get around. I 'want' to get out there and travel, see the world, etc., but my health now a serious obstacle to doing that.

You're right, time does fly by incredibly fast.

Thansk for your reply

I dislike/bemoan the double standard of "old men are distinguished, accomplished, and desirable" vs. "old women are unappealing, end of story". Know there's biological justification (fertility) for it, but of course that doesn't make it any less offensive socially/interpersonally.

I also decry the arbitrary hypocrisy of "this person is this age, so suddenly they don't matter anymore". Humans marginalize almost every group (those who differ from oneself), whether by age (too young, too old) or other demographic features.
Turned 35 last month, so this thread leaped out at me. Feel that I'm unsuccessful at being a grown-up, yet I'm no longer judged through lens of "interesting young person", either. Expectations change over time (the standard against which one is measured), yet I'm still the same person (more or less)-and I don't measure up well compared to others' ideas of how someone my age ought to be. In some ways, I was better at being an adult when I was a kid !

Some people really go for that mature looks thing. You'd be really surprised. Don't entirely lose heart.

That's the truth. Expectations change, and like you've just elaborated, I've had a hard time living up to them as well. Humans have always like to sort themselves - by gender, by race, by age, by financial mean and then breaking further down into sub-groups from there. Life would be so much better if people could look beyond the exterior of another.

A very nice thing to say

I personally like to think that what other people find "hot" about me is along the lines of the same things that I find "hot" about other people.

It's how you carry yourself, how comfortable you are in your own skin. It's about being the best "you" you can possibly be.

I am 42 and although my "looks" are starting to age. I am still hot, I think. At least I still get hit on (although unless it's blatant, I still don't recognize it) but the guys (and gals) doing the hitting aren't so young any more either.

Not the incredible invisible woman topic

I think we need to reinvent ourselves as asplanet wrote. I know I have had to do this. The evolution of age is also how we prosper as we age. I was never "hot" as a young woman. Now that I am older I know I will never be and so I employ other means to fulfill life goals. Leaving a legacy for my descendants is important, and/or making some important contribution to the world (including the Asperger/Autistic community).

I take it this has turned up before? Sorry about that



I was never 'hot' either - I hung out with the parking lot with the smokers, punkers, metal-heads, goths and gangsters. They were so caught up in their own terrible angst they never took notice of me, LOL. Such was the 80's. I was raised in California, though, a hellish place where 'image' is everything. Girls are taught from a very young age that you have to look your best no matter the cost. I guess this explains girls who wear miniskirts and strappy sandals when it's forty degrees outside. I never could measure up to that sort of yardstick- one of the reasons I left Cali as soon as I was financially able to do so. I don't know any other way to explain it except that with that sort of environment, it's as though I was repeatedly told since the age of five that because of my body structure I would never be good enough to fit in. You are lucky that this was never an issue for you - I mean that sincerely. I on't even know why this sort of stuff matters, except maybe because I was trained from a young age that it was 'supposed' to matter. Sort of disgusts me how much of that mentality still hangs over me like a dark raincloud. If this was some kind of switch I could just 'turn off,' I'd have done so years ago. Not that I wanted pity 'for not being pretty anymore.' I wasn't much to look at back then, either. Just ask the other kids who always referred to me as a 'dog.' My initial question was based on how people dismiss others as being irrelevant just because they're over 40. This included intellectual matters as well as the obvious physical.

thanks for your reply - sorry again that I brought up a redundant topic.

Best wishes,

Jillian