What's to become of me as a parent?

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As long as I'm on a roll with rants (I posted one in the school/college forum... you've been warned! ), I thought I'd bring this up...

So.. here I am.. 47, a father of a 14 year old daughter, divorced as of last September (but separated for the last 2 or so years), diagnosed with ADD/HD, working part time, and struggling to get through school for YET ANOTHER career change... hopefully the last one... unless the next one is "famous author" or "rock star", etc.

Onto the serious stuff (humor is my means of avoiding the issue)...

I brought up the issue with my daughter last week about her living out of two homes... the 'family' home with her mom, and the home she has with me.

I've been trying to make sure she feels like she can tell me all about her feelings concerning the divorce and how it has affected her life. So we discussed how inconvenient it is for her to have two homes to live in... how the other home feels like her home because she's lived there for most of her life... and the options for living arrangements.

I expressed my concern for how difficult this must be for her, and that I wanted to hear her opinions on the subject and that I would entertain options to her living arrangements as long as it was not full-time with her mom.
My reason to her was that if she lived full-time with her mom, I would only be getting every other weekend plus whatever holiday, to spend with her. I don't want to lose any more time with my daughter.
Her mom would never agree to our daughter living full-time with me, which would be the same thing.

I told my daughter that maybe when she was driving and had more freedom to go where she wanted, we could look at her living more with her mom.
I also tried to make it clear that I was not bringing this up because I didn't want her to live with me!
Another option would be to go to a schedule of living at each house for a full week.
Right now, the schedule is as follows;
Monday/Tuesday - with me
Wednesday/Thursday - with mom
Alternate weekends between parents.

Well, Last Monday, my daughter tells me she has been thinking about this issue (and later I learned she talked with her mom about it) and thought it might be nice to live in one house only.
I told her right away that I was not ready for this. I mentioned again about the weekly living schedule.
I told her I felt responsible for her as a parent, I love her, and in addition to my parental responsibilities I would miss her terribly if we had less time together.

To clarify something... she does not have a 'bad time' at this house.. in fact I think she does enjoy her time here... it's just the whole uprooting thing between the two houses, letting friends know where she is going to be, possibly the differing rules at each house (we're a bit low-key around here), her cat at the other house, etc.

In fact, Monday night, we had fun fixing dinner, watching a movie (her favorite tv show - MONK), and just clowning around.
She actually learned how to play Holiday by GreenDay on the guitar while I played the bass... that was fun for her and me(her suggestion too).

I guess the whole point of putting this into the Haven is how I felt after she suggested she would like to live in one house.

I felt like s**t!
When she went to another part of the house, I actually cried about the whole thing.
I felt like so much of a failure what with the divorce, my ADD/HD (which can be aggravating to people around me), my gender issues (which could definitely cause her embarrassment if word got around at high school.. I'm sure), not making this house seem much more like a home (but hey.. I'm renting... we know it isn't 'our' home), on-and-on.

I felt like telling her she could move in with her mom, packing up my belongings and leaving town and her life forever... seriously.
I did think about suicide but not in the way that anyone would take as serious.
I just felt a bit despondent.
I just want to do everything possible to give her the best life I can.
I know divorce sucks because I was a child of divorce.. and not as nice a one like her mom and I had, at that!

Her mom's a doctor, owns the family home, the cats live there, her mom's family gets together a couple of times a year so she has this really great family connection through that... I don't know... I just feel like she'd have less hassles in her life without me.

She wouldn't have to wait for me to pick her up late from school.
She wouldn't have to live in a rented house part time.
She wouldn't have to live in a house that has piles of papers in several places, bicycles in the kitchen, unpainted kitchen and living room walls for a year, and her dad's bed (a couch/futon) in the living room (that's where I currently sleep although I do keep my personal stuff in my 'too full' bedroom).
She would be with her mom all the time and they could knit together, go visit family together, take really cool vacations together.
She wouldn't have to have a dad who's brain is so f****d up that;
-he can't even finish college even though I'm told I have the requisite intelligence to do so
-he can't decide to just be a regular kind of guy and quit all this nonesense about 'gender dysphoria' and quit embarrassing her around her friends
She wouldn't be associated with a guy who everyone thinks is a bit strange for the reasons listed above, not to mention that I run barefoot, act like a teenager when I'm 47, on-and-on......

Oh, and not to mention having a dad who spends too much time on the pitty potty which is what I am doing here.
She's with her mom now though.

Well, with all that... I am looking forward to Friday.
She is with me for the weekend and Monday/Tuesday.
Her best friend is coming over to the house Saturday to spend the night, then we are all going to her friend's house to have a bike ride with the family and then dinner... we're bringing desert.

I know I do bring some good things to her life, I'm sure, but I hate to see her feeling all yanked around because of the divorce.
It's not all my fault, but I do have a tendency to shoulder all the blame sometimes.

I just hope she can hold out for a few more years.
Hopefully I will be able to sell some property I own near Branson, Missouri for enough money to purchase a small home here in California.
In a few more days or couple of weeks, I should be able to buy a new car so we don't have to go everywhere in the old noisy truck.

I'm planning on taking her skiing for the last trip of the season I suspect, on the last weekend of her Spring Break the week after mine.

Okay.... that's enough...

I've gotten it all out now... you can just let this one slowly fall to the bottom of the list...

Sounds sad. I don't have really good feedback except that I'm kind of in the same boat like your daughter. I live with my dad now and visit my mom on weekends. I use to love not having my dad around b/c of his alcoholism. He's now been sober for over 6 years without him. Then I started drinking and got myself into so much crap and eventually got kicked out of my mom's. My dad gave me the option of living with him as long as I stayed sober. Had problems but have now been sober over a year and 3 months. Then had the option of living with my mom. I thought, oh good if I live with my mom, there won't be all these rules. Turns out, I can't handle being at my mom's place for more than a weekend. My dad's helped me in so many ways of how to live. I still need my mom for some emotional support. My dad tries to be, but he's too clowny. I don't drive but get around. I wish I could live on my own, but I'm financially a failure when it come to a job that pays well for an income of living. I also can't stand to be away from any of my family members. I don't know how ppl do it.

At least, it seems you have a goal set down. Some dads either accept that their children live with their moms in the system or desert their children by rarely seeing them. When I was in a dowtown program, I saw a lot of missing dads and single mothers. In one event at that program, I asked this young kid who I babysat what he and his father had in common, his reply was he didn't even know who is daddy was.

So, it sounds like you're doing the best you can. I don't know if this was very helpful.

That seems tough. Unfortunately, I can't help, because I'm not a parent. It's reading about stuff like this, that makes me glad, that I'm single, without children. I really hope that things work out, for you. Keep strong, for your daughter.

Thank you both, I appreciate your comments.

MissConstrue,

I'm really glad that you are staying 'awake & away' from alcohol.
You seem like such a nice person here on WP, you're young, and hopefully you'll find the means to live a life that makes you happy.
Sounds like you have been through a lot with family issues too.
You can be proud of yourself for having come to a point where you understand your relationships with your parents.
At your age, I was still struggling to understand my relationship with my father and mother... heck... my whole family.

I didn't really get a handle on all that until my 30's though... too late for my older sister who I actually had the best relationship with (she passed away in 92).



Sid... thanks for your comments too! I know someone close to me who also does not want to have children, yet she feels pressure from family and perhaps others to be the 'All-American' woman, get married and have the requisite kid or kids.
I have to say that our daughter came along during the right time in my life.
Any sooner and I would not have been as prepared to be a good father, I think.
So, I'm happy with being a parent and I agree, there are loads of issues to deal with concerning the child AND concerning the parents themselves.

If you're happy without children, all the better! I feel sad that there are people who do have children but spend the whole time parenting and complaining about having them.
I have a sister like that... she has said repeatedly over the years... out in front of her girls (2), "I can hardly wait until they are grown and out on their own so I can have my life back!"... and she wonders why her girls were so hard to handle?

Is there anyway you could live really close to her mom's house? When I got divorced I found my ex an apt on the same street so our kids could see him whenever they wanted. That worked really well for a while until eventually he met some woman and moved a few miles away to be with her and stopped bothering to see the kids very much.

Since your daughter is a teenager it would be nice for her to have you nearby so when she gets fed up with her mom (as all teenagers do) she can have you nearby as a safe haven.

A lot of non-custodial parents just drift away -- but if you can possible arrange to live very close to the "family home" that won't happen to you.

Hi Sheila,

Currently we live approx. 5 miles from the home she shares with her mom.
I am slowly getting around to hopefully selling some property in Missouri and when I do, I hope to be able to afford a small house back in the town where my daughter lives the other half of the time.

We've talked about it a couple of times since my original post.
I have suggested we change the schedule to a full week at each house, but so far my daughter has not commented on that idea.
We do pretty good other than when she's not feeling too happy.

She had her best friend over this weekend for a sleepover and we all had a pretty good time.

We'll work it all out.

Thanks for the idea though.

Actually when I offered to move out the first time, I wound up renting a little house right next door.
This was a very good way to start out for our daughter and myself.
I wasn't interested in what was going on next door, so I kept to myself.
My daughter could just walk from house to house in about 30 seconds.

Ex and I have about 20 miles between us (actually maybe the best thing in our case).

But due to the distance and school my son only goes on weekends and holidays. He's not too good with change, different beds, different routines, (wonder were that came from ), so that was basically the hardest thing for him for quite awhile.

He still packs his bag with half of the house on weekends sometimes, but it's gotten easier.

Now he looks forward to the change, he gets a vacation from mom who's scatter-brained at times and sometimes a bit grumpy from dealing with the onslaught of papers from school on a nightly basis, the "boring" quiet house and our crazy cat...

And in reverse...when he can't deal with the noise of 2 other kids, two dogs, a cat, his dad & his girlfriend anymore he comes home...

By that time, I'm recharged, the house has had a good cleaning, the quiet isn't so boring...and cat hasn't changed.

I'm keeping an eye on a 'fixer upper' in town that's probably 2 1/2 miles from the other house.
I think that would make things easier for my daughter and I.

Probably the main thing.. well two main things are my missing her and feeling like I'm not being much of a father if I'm not around her very often... or even less than now.

It takes time.

The biggest thing is just feeling like I don't have my daughter available to me.
That's really my biggest fear in life.
Especially when I was fearful of people finding out about the gender stuff... I figured I might be looked upon as a pervert and unhealthy for my daughter even though I was the primary stay-at-home parent for 12 years of her life.
Actually, my former wife did put in court documents that she felt I was unfit to be even a part time parent and later in counseling stated she just said that out of spite.
But then in recent counseling, she came back and said she 'sometimes' feels like I'm not a fit parent.

I'm actually a good parent, and I think all this is just posturing and control on my former wife's part.
But... since she's tried to split up our daughter and my before, I live under this simmering tension that she will try to take our daughter away someday.