Can good communication skills be learned?

Post Reply New Topic

Can good communication skills be learned, or do people have to be born with them?

I was talking to the woman I am interested in, and she said that they can't be learned. I disagree. I already discussed my disagreement with her in that regard, as well as expressing other concerns with her. Specifically, I am referring to conveying thoughts and feelings.

They can be learned, but it's always through experience. And I find it's difficult to learn skills that work in all social situations. It requires an awareness and attention to detail of what's going on that I just don't have.

But after a while in any social environment and enough analysis and thought I can develop an intuition and handle myself fairly well. It just takes time, and many times you don't have time... especially with first impressions.

And I did tell her a lot of the things that I was too nervous to tell her before. But I am worried that I still don't communicate well enough for her.

After she sent me the e-mail that said what she said, I told her virtually all the feelings and thoughts about a possible relationship that I can think of, but I am worried that now it's too late.

All I can do now is wait for her reply to the e-mail I sent her last night.

Yeah they can be learned. It probably takes us a bit more time and effort but it can be done.

nobody is born with communication skills.

by definition, skills are things that must be learned.

One way to prove it: do it

Yes, social skills can be learned, as can (some degree of) empathy.
Three ways (for me)-
Imitation of a person with good social skills (6th grade classmate who was the only person who was truly nice amongst bullies- imitated her in a way)
Learning when people gently told me what annoying/ rude etc things I was doing
Learning when people yelled at me for doing things that were annoying

Now people (coworkers) tell me things like, "I just did your eval. I put all good stuff on there. You've come a long way." Or, less obliquely, "You don't stomp your foot anymore when you get upset." It's been a long process.

I was just thinking, if I was trying to get somewhere and someone was in my way, I used to just say, "Move." Not really knowing (or caring?) that that is considered rude. I sometimes still think "Move!" and then think, wow, I used to be so blunt, rude, and efficient! Is that maturation, learning, or am I not being authentic to my essential autistic nature? What is better?

Another thought- I have previously posted this- I have been "coaching" my husband for ten (almost eleven!) years on eye contact and being diplomatic. Is this wrong? Now I feel like I have been, not helping him fit in better with NT's, but....doing something wrong, like kids who are really left-handed being forced to do right-handed things. Neither is better than the other, but that is like a crime against the brain's wiring!! !

Sorry for the rant, Tim, but thanks for starting this thread so I could think through this.

I got an e-mail from her today, and after reading it, I feel very relieved. She was more clear about what she meant.

For me it feels more like doing a math problem than riding a bike. I can learn how to do it, but it still takes effort. Not something I can learn and then execute without any real thought.

Yes, she's on the spectrum, but she is once again convinced that personality and communication is something you have to be born with, and she is permanently rejecting me romantically because I don't have the personality she's looking for. All the other positive qualities I have mean nothing to her.

I feel like I failed her by being my normal, idealistic self.

According to some books on Asperger's my mother got me, you're not so much learning to have communication skills when you learn them with AS as you are learning to pretend that you have them. That makes a lot of sense to me. You're just pretending to have the skills. Simulating normal behavior.

-Frank

But isn't character much more important that personality? What good is personality if that person is abusive, violent, drug-addicted, alcoholic, or just plain lazy?

"I've come to the conclusion that what's inside a person doesn't count because nobody can see it."

That's a Dogbert quote. That sums up my response better than I could.

-Frank