lost and confused

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why is it that everyone thinks that suicide is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem?
people always say that things will get better, to just keep hanging in, or whatever...
but how do they know? how do they know that things will get any better? what if they stay the same, never to get better, or worse, these things do get worse?
right now, i'm feeling not so good...and yes, constantly thinking about suicide right now...i don't see any good coming out of my staying on this earth. i don't really have much to give. i don't know that i have much more to give...i feel emotionally drained.
i have managed to ruin the one friendship that meant anything to me...with the one person who i thought truly understood me better than even i think i understand myself. i just do not see myself doing any good for anyone or anything if i stay here.
i made a promise that i wouldn't try again...but i don't know if that will be enough. the one who i made that promise to has asked me to do something as a condition of keeping our friendship...and i don't think i am capable of doing what is asked of me. i just don't have it in me. and now i feel so lost...so confused...so dead inside already.

*sigh*

and i hate myself for writing this. i hate myself for being so vulnerable...

I know how you feel, and am currently trying to figure some things out myself.

thank you...i have read some of what you have written. i hope you can get your stuff worked out too.

Thanks. I hope you work yours out as well.

Are you thinking of suicide?

friends are like balloons...once you let them go, you can't get them back.
~~~~~
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.



thank you for those words, they just now gave me the perspective I needed to make an important decision.

silverproteus - yeah, i am. i do. i have been thinking of it on and off for the last few weeks, and as well for longer than that. last night just made things worse, and i have not been able to stop thinking about it at all...and the different ways i could go about doing it...it's bad. i've been keeping myself out of the kitchen because that is where i keep all the sharp objects and pills and such...the worst part is that i have a migraine and i want something to get rid of it and the nausea that i'm having, and i'm afraid to go take anything for fear that i would 'accidently' over medicate...

dean - i'm glad those words gave you something. good luck with your decision. i hope everything works out for you with it.

I'm not going to lie to you, sodarktheshadows, I've been thinking about it too and I'm afraid of saying something out of place or wrong that would make you feel worse when you already feel the way you do.

I don't really know what to say except I hope you pull (or are pulled) out of your situation.

Do you have someone you can talk to? Someone who can give you antidepressants one by one so you don't have a chance at over medicating?

I'm drawn to your username. I feel I can relate so well...

I understand your pain, sodarktheshadows. I was feeling pretty close to wanting to give up, this time last week. Fortunately, I was able to work out that I was having some memories of past trauma, and once I worked through that, I felt fine. I guess the point I am trying to make, is that when this pain of living hits, (and I fully expect it to happen again, for some other reason) the thing that might give one the incentive to go on, is the fact that maybe it'll pass, and you will wish to embrace life again. I sincerely hope so. And migraines can be a b***h!

Please be kind to yourself!

You had a friend, so you obviously were doing 'good' for that person, at least for awhile. You made a difference in that person's life. Who knows? Maybe that person will come back to being your friend again. If you made a friend once, you can do it again.

Ponder on this for a moment....

(ignoring famous people, online people etc...)

I know of 2 people I've met in real life who have suicided.
They're gone.

I know of 7 people I've met in real life who have attempted suicide and have been badly scarred or handicapped. All of those people feel "better" now and don't want to suicide anymore. They do however wish that they hadn't injured themselves.

If you do it wrong, you have to live with the consequences.

suicide is a form of murder.

actually, i do him more harm than good. i cause him nothing but pain and sorrow. i am nothing but a drain on him emotionally...and he now wants me to prove to him that i am worth his time and energy. he is still my friend, but the friendship....it's just damaged. i don't know how to explain it. and after this, i don't know if i want to make anymore friends. i just don't know what to do with them, how to treat them, how to handle them or how to keep them without inflicting all this horrible mess that is me upon them. i just don't know.


i guess that's your belief. i don't see it as that. i see it as an escape. i do not think less of anyone who has done it...but i do understand why they did it and at what point in their life they must have been at to do it. it's not a pretty place to be.


i am aware of this. i have tried before. i have more emotional scars than physical scars as proof of the failures. that is why if i do try again, it will be more permanent...not just a cry for help. i don't like living with my consequences now, so it can't be much worse.

i have though of this as well...and after so many times of trying to convince myself that things will pass...well, things always come back. the past comes back. the present is always there. and the future is looking mighty grim.


i used to. i mentioned him in the original post. he always said when i needed to talk i could always talk to him, no matter what. well, guess what? i guess i used up my limit. when i needed to talk to him the other day, well, let's just say, he wasn't too impressed that i was asking for yet more of his time. and that really hurt. and that kind of hurt doesn't leave much room for happy.


*sigh*
i don't know how.

When I say to be kind to yourself, I can only mention what constitutes kindness to myself. When I feel like this, first of all, I give myself permission to feel this way. I make an effort not to "beat myself up" for feeling discouraged, defeated, whatever. I won't leave the house if it will overwhelm me. I listen to music that comforts me, read things that provide excellent escape, or watch movies from my childhood that still work their magic for me. I allow myself to cry. I eat my favorite things, if I have an appetite, and if I don't, I keep hydrated. It's like being under siege, from my emotions.

I am not saying that you should do anything that I've mentioned here - I don't believe in "shoulding" on people. I just wanted you to know what being kind to yourself means. Sometimes, I need to to view myself as a small, weeping child, and imagine what I would do for that child. And I let her journal about what hurts, and try to find sympathetic people who will understand.

being under seige from emotions is yeah, kinda what it feels like. i know it isn't good, and i know i shouldn't let myself get to this point...i KNOW it with ever fibre of my being...but the emotions are just so much stronger than anything logical and rational in me.

talking about this, trying to figure it out with everyone's input here is helping me some...i'm not afraid to leave my room anymore. but i still just have this overwhelming feeling of despair, that something good is coming to an end...and i don't like this feeling. i thank you for your advice, and it at least gives me something else to think about and try. i do appreciate it.

These people cling to a seemingly feeble thing called "hope". They hope for you that things will get better. And they want you to hope for it too. For there are times when hope is all we have. And in come cases it can seem extremely feeble, a faint blip on a very crowded radar screen. A pinhole of light at the end of the tunnel. All you can do is keep trudging on with the hope that it's not another bloody train.

That's FAR more metaphors than one person needs in a situation like yours. But you get my drift. Press on, and you'll find the light at the end.