Who makes the unwritten rules?

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I'm sure all of you here found out about an unwritten rule the hard way (i.e. by inadvertently breaking it) at some point in your lives. Sure, they're unwritten, and most NTs would say: "it's just the way it's done". But those rules must have come into existence somehow! There are many examples of those unwritten rules. Here are a few examples.

• A guy is not supposed to come to a nightclub by himself (in bars, it's OK); for a girl, it's considered crazy but acceptable.
• You're not supposed to stim when out in public, unless it's something very minor and discreet.
• Some colors of clothes match, and some don't, and you're only supposed to wear the matching ones.
• You're generally not supposed to talk about intellectual stuff.
• You must wear Abercrombie & Fitch in school, or risk being an outcast.

The list could go forever.

But here's a question I never dared to ask in the NT world: who actually makes those unwritten rules that everyone in society is supposed to follow? Who is that person (or people)? Is it one of those charming but obnoxious alpha-male types? Is it the government? Is it the CEOs of big corporations? Who? I really want to know the answer; this is not a joke. Most importantly, I wish I knew how the rules that everyone <sarcasm>absolutely must follow under the penalty of banishment from society</sarcasm> started out, and what was the premise behind it?. So how do they start out? Does someone decide "hey, this rule will be fun to implement", and leaves everybody stuck following it? Or is there another process?

So if anyone has a guess, feel free to post your answers. It would be interesting if the unwritten rules were originally written, and the records were lost to at one point. But that's just one possibility. I know April 1st just ended, but no jokes please; we have the Random Discussion and Off the Wall Forum for that. Then again, I'm glad I don't have to worry about someone making a mockery out of my posts on this site.

unwritten rules are created out of the fact that almost everyone follows them as their natural behavior.

It took me a really long time to become even half-aware that there actually WERE unwritten rules...and of course I have no idea what most of them are..it is not as if anyone is gonna go out of their way to tell me or anything..

Unwritten rules are common sense. Common sense is derived by a collective of people who speak the same language and live in the same area. It is the combined prejudices of the present - all the generally accepted knowledge.

The unwritten rules of Athens in Ancient Greece would be nothing like the unwritten rules of a farming community in Poland today. Common sense, of course, is usually not that sensible.

To answer your question who who actually makes those unwritten rules that everyone in society is supposed to follow? The pioneers of the past. And so the thinking and actions of today's pioneers will affect tomorrow's unwritten rules.

My whole life I always had to be told about unwritten rules because I could not figure them out myself until they were drawn out. I figured them out too on my own when I get punished for doing something. I also figure them out by watching other people like always apologize when you didn't believe someone when you didn't even believe that person and they were telling the truth.
I see that on TV all the time and my mother always tells me "Did you apologize?" so that's how I learned.

I have had to figure out unwritten rules too the hard way at work. Lot of people would have figured them out on their own, but me I had to be told and then I knew.

I would take a guess that it goes by the culture of any given area. What is ok where you live, very well may not be elsewhere. Those that have broken the unwritten (and written) rules have had far more profound impacts on culture then those that haven't.

While I doubt if I'll influence my area of culture to any great degree, I still enjoy it. I don't fit anyway, I might as well do it with a smirk on my face. Sheep, but pretty soon black is the color they all would like to be. Fashion is such a fleeting thing and you'll never catch it till you stop trying. You just have to do it boldly, but then I don't particularly care if they do it or not. I will think my thoughts and just because a million people think other wise, doesn't make me wrong.

For a girl to go to a night club by herself? Sure as long as she uses the woman's door. Ah yes, they still have them.

Sit at the back of the bus because of your skin color? Rosa didn't think so and so she didn't. Such a small thing for a lady to do, but what a spark it was.

But you say, those were written rules? They didn't start out that way. It was culture that set them in motion. Break the mold, be yourself.

You will find that humans (NT's anyway) have a community spirit, and most people can be controlled by other people easily.

There are some amusing experiments with this, where four people were asked a question (which line is longer, when shown an image of four labelled lines) the average person would give the wrong answer just to agree with the other people. The three people in that went first, answered incorrectly, on purpose as they were part of the experiment, and the subject that didn't know it was an experiment would give the same answer even when it was clearly wrong.

One could say these rules are a result of blind leading the blind (in other words, they are all following each other). They will, with few exceptions, congregate to a common social norm.

You are correct in saying it is confusing, as different cultures have very different rules.

* In Australia, putting your empty glass upside down on the bar when you are done is showing you are ready for a fight,
* In Saudi Arabia, sitting with the bottoms of your feet pointing towards someone is an insult,
* In Japan, looking someone in the eye is rude, and in the USA, looking someone in the eye is respectful.
* In High Schools in the USA, dating a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend is unacceptable
* In the Middle East in general, being polite to the extreme is normal, they will "lie" to be nice.

None of the above situations are ingrained in humans, they have grown through time and unguided.

The best way to learn is to read and observe I think. There are many books on Etiquette, I suggest browsing a bookstore for a good one.

I'm going to take a different route and vote that Adam Smith's Invisible Hand wrote the Unwritten Rules. With Sharpie. On my Forehead.


I should really go to bed.

what the OP is referring to are just current cultural norms. they arent fixed in stone, and dont need to be followed. (some of them, like "dont stim in public" are probably more widely accepted over most cultures, whereas the "wear abercrombie or die" one is almost exclusive to north americans aged 13-18.

no one "makes" these up. they come and go with (or sometimes stay despite) passing trends in culture. they are both part of and the product of human society on a whole. in order to function as a member of society, one must follow a few of these. you dont have to dress like everyone else, and you can certainly talk about intellectual stuff if you want to (just most people dont care... screw 'em. science is the most important thing we have!).

the more "common sense" ones, like "dont stim in public" are usually more well-advised. stims are off-putting for a lot of people. i know a lot of things bother me, despite having stims myself. i have a particular stim that i work very hard not to do in public, but i still pop my knuckles. generally, people arent bothered by that, whereas they would be by the stim that i refrain from in social settings.

Here is a few more unwritten rules I know:


You cannot tell on your best friend.
You cannot be truthful if someone asks you a blunt question and you have a negative opinion.
People's personal space is at least an arm length away. That's how far away you must stand.
You must ask before you use someone's else's computer.
It's rude to ask someone if they got you something.
It's rude to show up at a birthday party without calling to say you're coming.
You must be quiet in a library (seems like no one follows that anymore because every library I have been going to is people talking in their normal volume).
Elbows off the table and feet in front of you when you eat.
In Japan, it is polite to chew with your mouth open.
In some countries, it is rude to clean your plate when you eat.
In some countries, it is rude to not clean your plate when you eat.

haha...... i like this one. i couldnt count how many times i've broken that. is it really that off-putting?

Im sure Tv has a big investment to be made from the herd mentality of most people.Also most people sit watching it all the time.

Never did I hear that in 12+ years of going to clubs and four of them working there. I think you have it backwards. It would be highly unusual for a woman to enter one alone. No one would pay attention to whether or not a guy was there with anyone. Unless it was a hot woman.

I break that rule too but I try and use different words like instead of saying "You look ugly in that dress" I say "I don't think you look good in it." I'm still being truthful but I am not being blunt. That person has to read between the lines correctly to know what I am really thinking. You just have to find loopholes to telling the truth like I had to with being truthful when people ask such questions.

I 'stim' in public. I also am frequently seen examining clover patches.

i get confused by the little unwritten laws sometimes
like in some circles if a woman goes to a bar alone she is trying to get a date.(i have heard this and never understood how they can make that assumption based on the fact she is alone, some women have been wearing fake wedding rings to clubs to stop men trying any pick up lines")

this one makes sense
when you are on an esculator stand on the left and leave the right side free (so that people in a hurry can walk up)