I have no reason to live. (I'm Begging for help here).

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I have had a horrible day today and really need some help, from this forum. I'm begging for it, I know I haven't always been nice and I'm not the most active poster, but I am a fellow aspie asking for help. Yesterday I was feeling ok, with myself as I do most of the time, but I woke up this morning in a rather bad mood. Then I went to my part time job, and got more depressed than I have in over 6 years (when I went mentally insane in a few ways), and started thinking how I will kill myself, how no one would even come to my funeral and how my moms life would be so much better without me. Then I thought of my faith and how they say killing yourself is evil, but how can God blame you when you feel this horrible? You'd think God would have compassion. I'm still feeling the same way, even though I doubt I'll attempt to kill myself (mainly because I have no good or quick way to do so), as Iron poisoning sucks and we don't have guns here, I'd want to die quickly if I were to do it. I can't believe I'm really even speaking like this, but I really have not felt this badly in a long time. I was happy yesterday, but today I seriously want to die. I feel like my future is messed up, I hear how everyone has friends, and usually this doesn't bug me but I get to thinking and it seems everyone has someone they can lean on, people who understand and love them. (at this age, your mom just doesn't do it for you so don't mention that), I've been speaking to NT girls quite a lot lately and they speak to me about their friends, and how much they love them and it is making me just so sick. I don't know what to do, I can't change who I am, but I can't accept myself for who I am, right now. I'm tired of sitting on forums by myself, and having no friends. I'm tired of getting rejected, I want a connection with a girl that I can talk to. I am sick that no girls like me, we all are but it's hitting a breaking point for me. I'm told that I'm normal all the time! By everyone, they just tell me to open up, but they never even try to be my friend, no one does. God I've never had a best friend in my life, or anything else. I'm scared for my future, I'm scared to get phycological help, as they always tell me I'm normal, I just use AS as an excuse. They tell me to just THINK WHAT I WANT. This is so f*****g illogical. I spend weeks thinking about asking a girl to hang out, it's a joke. I'm a joke, god please help me. I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know what else to do.

I feel so much like you. In fact, I feel exactly like you. There are times that I'd rather die then continue to live in this world. I've never had a best friend either and none of the girls I ever met seem to have the slightest interest in me. I'm going slowly mad and becoming mean and rude to people in a way I never have before.

I need help too. But at least we aren't alone. Don't let yourself get dragged down by the doubting of your associates; it seems that its a curse aspies have to deal with. As long as there are people who do understand, like here, then maybe we can find a way to cope. I hope you can find a better mood and get to feeling better.

You should go to a doctor, and take a copy of your post with you in case you can't articulate your feelings once you get there. I wouldn't force the AS part of your troubles, just focus on what your actual problems are, that's more important. Mostly, that you want to kill yourself. That's severe depression, but you can get help for that. You can't do it by yourself.

I do understand how you feel, I've been in the same boat lately. I don't have anyone I can run to either. But I do know there are good people out there, who will listen, it just takes a bit of time to develop relationships with them. And right now you may not have that time, so I would seek professional help.

Hi weather1man. I hope that you will stick with what seems to be your gut feeling, which is that you shouldn't end your life. The old saying "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is a bit simplistic - it assumes that our problems are temporary, when so often they are not - but the part about the permanence of the "solution" is on target. Personally, I don't believe that you owe it to any other human being or to God to keep yourself alive if life brings you nothing but suffering. However, it sounds like you've had good days as well as bad days recently, and this should give you hope that you can and will ride this out if you choose to soldier on.

One thing I've noticed as an Aspie is that AS makes it difficult for me to harness the power of positive thinking. The people who tell you to "think what you want" are buying into the notion that the beliefs we have tend to shape our experience; positive beliefs tend to beget positive experiences. For me it's always been the other way around: any positive belief I have must be backed up by positive experiences that justify that belief. If I don't have any evidence or experience to back up my beliefs, I usually falter in those beliefs. That's why I tend to have low self-esteem - I need constant positive feedback to prop up my self-image. Maybe other Aspies have similar experiences; I'd be interested in knowing whether this is the case.

I apologize for going off on a bit of a tangent there - my point is that I know that for you, it's not a simple matter of "thinking positive." People tend to assume that's good advice because, well, it does work for a lot of people. But I get the impression that a lot of Aspies can't synthesize those happy thoughts from nothing the way NTs do. (Again, I'm not completely sure this is an AS trait; it may have more to do with depression.)

The unfortunate truth is that there is no easy solution to the problem of making friends. If a person senses that you are interested in his/her friendship (or more) because of a need you have rather than a genuine interest in that person, he/she will usually gravitate away from you. True friendships and relationships have to grow organically based on common interests, common values, and mutual respect and trust. Wanting "a connection with a girl," while totally understandable (and something many of us experience at some time or other), won't cut it. Find people who share your values and interests, and there you will find friendship - and hopefully that little something extra.

Hang in there. You felt okay yesterday, you'll feel okay again.

I completely remember feeling that way when I was younger. I don't know if I grew out of it, or just stopped caring as much, but I did finally improve. You will too.

I feel exactly the way you do - I want to kill myself right now, but I'm not going to because it would upset too many people - and sadly the only thing I can say is that you will feel better eventually.

Oh sweetheart, I am sorry you feel this way. It's not nice to feel like this..but as you yourself have said, it WILL pass. That's for sure. Relax your mind and your heart, don't be your harshest critic...be nicer to yourself! You are young and obviously smart and so articulate! Don't dwell on this day...just take a break and gather your strengths..let go of negative thoughts. Go to the gym (that releases the endorphines, as you know, the natural drug:) or take a nap (it seems to help me with restoring balance when I'm stressed, sad or just having a mental day). No need and no good to think about what others have said about their lives or friends (because how can we know it's not all exagerrated or wishful thinking on their part too...really question if the pretty picture is really that pretty in reality...it may just be fake or temporary or shallow).

So I'm not sure if you've actually ever went to the doc to talk about this (you mentioned something about it)...if you think you could benefit from such a talk, hey, go for it and talk to the doc/psychologist. How can it hurt..They might be able to offer advice and/or some medication to help ease such moments in the future.

Hugs! Take care and keep us posted!

Last edited by northern_light_girl on 06 May 2008, 2:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I hope I can be of some help. Drop me a pm anytime you wish man, I'll try my best to help you out.

Never suffer in silence as they say...

We're all here to help.

think that it's just a bad day, forget it,

watch comedy movies!

Think about the things that keep you alive, share them with us please!!

All the replies are really good advice. One thing from an "older" member. Prozac.

I mean it. It has made a TREMENDOUS difference in my own 18 yr old daughter's life. Many thoughts and similar problems in her life as in yours, Weather1man.

Faith is important as well. As you seem to already know. But to narrow the range of emotions seems to make a large difference. If your Dr. thinks it is appropriate, don't be ashamed to ask about it.

God bless. And hang in there.

There is no God. We live in a universe that is totally indifferent to our suffering. Before you think I'm trying to make things worse, know that you have only yourself to depend on. There is no magic bullet, no savior that will solve our problems. We have to be strong and endure this stupid world we find ourselves in. In 13 billion years you are the only one like you, a unique pattern in a sea of chaos, and you are more unique than most! Imagine letting the society that others have created rule your life. You are the leader of your own destiny, don't look to some woman to make things better. You aren't normal, I'm not normal, don't look for normal solutions. Keep an eye out for opportunities, things can turn around in a short time.

I'm not goign to debate whether there is God or not, but AspE please don't jump to conclusions and say there is 'no God'. You simply cannot know this till you die, and since you haven't died you cannot say with definity there is no God (and don't try to die, because IF there is a God, you don't want to go to hell).

There is something greater to life, there is something more than even the big blue sky, or the mountains. The fact that we can have such questions, the fact that we are able to comprehend such things, warrants the answer. Religion is not a magic bullet anyways, it's meant to get you through very difficult times. Humans are not animals, though we may be similar to some animals in design, that just points to the order that there IS in this world.

Weatherman you are the destiny of your life to an extent. Often in life you'll never be in full control, you can't be. There's too many factors (society, the weather, etc). You say that you are not feeling well, and I completely understand and I (and many others on here) believe you; but you haven't said what is bothering you. I'm dealing with depression too, and I strongly believe seeing a counsellor will help. You don't necessarily need medication either. You just need love!

It's hard to see and its cliche, but I think what you are feeling is isolation. I noticed when I'm depressed I'm isolated. And not to make you feel bad (don't! you have a right to be here as much as the stars...), girls will not solve your problem; though they may to an extent. You will find that connecting with others will really help. Do me a favour, and trust me on this one.

I realize that your mom may be a strained relationship, but you're not doing her a favour if you hurt yourself. You will just hurt her more. Life isn't about who will come to your funeral when you die, its about something more...im still searching for it. It's about the trees, the stars.

Have you tried going for a walk in a nature-oriented place? try something new, start playing the guitar. Try something taht will make you feel like a child again. Re=experience the creativity that you once knew. Please pm me and we can talk through the forum or via PM. Keep talking to us, theres people that care about you here! (and though its only through a screen, these characters on the screen come from living breathing people).

I can relate a lot right now. I know how annoying it is when people assume we can overcome depression by “snapping out of it”, “toughening up”, or “thinking positive thoughts”. Personally I find it a bit insulting. Us aspies don’t usually see proving our constitution as the purpose of our life – at least I can’t see the point in that kind of thinking. I’m more of an experiencialist (my word ) than an idealist. I have to live for my own experience rather than for some social ideal.

The only real way out is to change your experience by doing things differently. You just have to keep pursuing new activities even if you don’t feel like you have the energy. When I stop trying and hole up I only feel worse. I will stay depressed until I get to the point where I realize I need to make myself get out and do things with people. You have to try even if it isn’t completely fulfilling or doesn’t seem worth the effort.

I know I have this problem of not trying things when I don’t see any immediate gratification in them. I’m so terrible at taking initiative to plan social activities with my acquaintances. I’m trying to work on this but I don’t have any solid answers yet.

Hey weather1man, WHERE did you go? Are you still there? Are you alright?
If you're still feeling this way, I STRONGLY advise you to call the Atlanta Mental Health Crisis Line. Google those last 5 words to find something in your area and for gawds sakes CALL if you're still at the same mind!

Thanks for the advice and help, it really made me feel much better. I'm ok, now, thankfully. Thanks to the posts here and at AFF, I feel much better. I felt quite scared when I made this post though.

There is. As far as I understand life on Earth was not meant to be HEAVENLY and sorrowless. We all go through trials and tribulations and the thing that has been my Rock has been God. When I was desperate about a health situation with a family member, I accidentaly discovered a brochure that said "Let go and let God." In that situation those were POWERFUL words and suddenly had a clear meaning. When you're powerless and feel there's no control, that's where God comes in. Sit tight, pray and wait. The doctors when they see us...they tell us to thank God for what has happened so far. The DOCTORS do that! Do not tell us there is no God. ***Also yes, the world has created itself:) Big Ben is a point in time, no one was able to describe what has happened..before. Nothing in science, as far as I am concerned contradictis faith. To me, science basically "discovers" and explains the mechanics of the world. How it works. No contradictions. And if you didn't know, Newton was a religious man. He didn't see his physics passion as contradicting his faith. Einstein himself although not a believer did think that there had to be Something behind all the order and laws that govern the universe. It's a logical deduction if you want. I am sorry sorry sorry you feel there is no God. I am telling you there is (not the old man with gray beard -that's a physical description...but the Intelligent Creator God/Jesus/Holy Spirit).

I wish you all the best! Please don't be mad at me, it's how I think.