Guys, what to do if her children scare you?

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I have a dillemma that's been bothering me a lot for the past year. At my church, one of the single women there has been fancying me for at least 6 years now. She knows that I find her physically attractive. Aside from us both being in the choir and single, we don't really have much in common that I know of yet. All of our conversations together have been low on substance; I just wanted to keep my interest implied, which she appreciates me for doing. Something has kept me from pursuing her and for the past year or so I have been taking heed to it: I'm afraid of the two children she has from a previous marraige.

The woman's 14 year old daughter and 13 year old son remind me of the people I'd had problems being accepted by when I was their age. In addition to that, I have a stepfather myself and even after having known him for at least 28 years I still haven't accepted him (though a big part of that is because he's an NT who doesn't respect "the ways of the aspie"). The woman is like 6'2" in height, so I know that her children will probably become taller than me within the next couple of years (I'm 5'7"). The childrens' father is re-married, lives in the area and goes to the same church, so at least he is around for them. I haven't said much to the daughter, haven't said anything to the son, and try hard to avoid contact with either of them. I just don't know what to say to them.

I'd like to get married and have children of my own someday. Needless to say, children who know me from day one are going to accept me as I am.

So the smart thing to do is accept my fear and look for women that are more compatible. I've been doing that, but I've made stupid mistakes that upset this woman, such as accidentally putting my stuff down next to her's in the pew, then picking it up and sitting somewhere else - after she had already noticed that my stuff was there (although she has done the exact same thing to me before). She was standing up in front of the congregation, sharing some joyful annecdote when she all of a sudden started holding back tears and then turned away, not being able to continue with what she had been saying. Her 70-something year old father was there and comforted her. He's another person in her family that I seem to have absolutely nothing in common with (he loves watching football on TV - Not only do I not like spectator sports but I also don't watch anything on commercial TV). I felt bad and later greeted her the next time our paths crossed, which she was all too happy to accept.

I wish I could explain to her the exact reason that I avoid her, but I don't know how to say "because I'm afraid of your kids". I have a hard enough time explaining that here to my fellow aspies. I'm obviously not going to give her an ultimatum that involves keeping her children away from me. It would make it a lot easier if I could say that, but I just can't.

I suspect that there probably aren't a lot of aspies who are stepfathers (or in a similar position), but I thought I'd post this out of hope that there might be some.

It's taken me a long time just to decide to post this message, so please treat me nicely even if you have some reason to be irked by what I've said (if anything, then it was unintentional).

I don't understand why she started crying and why her dad had to comfort her. It couldn't have been because you moved your stuff.

Also, you said something to the effect that kids who know their parents from birth accept them for who they are.

Well, I can TELL you are not a parent yet! LOL! I can understand why you would think that, but just wait until they are about 10.
My kids are Aspie and they don't even accept me for who I am! They go through a touchy time when lots of stuff we do (as parents) is WRONG (from their perspective). And EVERYONE else's mom is more cool and way better to be around.

So just forget right now about unconditional acceptance from your kids. That usually doesn't happen!

I didn't know I had so many flaws until I had kids to tell me about all of them!

I personally wouldnt get involved with a woman who has children by another man; Especially if she has SONs by another man . My emotional brain would Always view him as a competitor to the attention and affection of the woman(his mom).
I really think that if a boys mom and dad split up, he's really better off most of the time with his dad rather than his mom and stepdad.

If she started crying when you moved your stuff, she must have been very hurt by what you did. No two ways about it.

Maybe she thought it was because she had upset you in some way and you didn't like her any more.

Maybe she really likes you and finds it very hard when you keep your distance.

I don't know what the answer is here - do you know her kids at all, have you ever tried speaking to them?

Personally I am very awkward around kids, so I do sympathise with your predicament.

That may be the primary concern of mine and I just hadn't mentally defined it that way yet. I wonder though, if it would still happen if the woman had children with me. The anxiety might be cancelled-out if I took that path. I definitely need to hear some opinions on that, if anyone has them.


That's my EXACT problem. That's what I was talking about when I said that "children who know me from day one will accept me" - I wouldn't feel awkward around them. To answer your question about me having tried to talk with the kids: I already have a lot of difficulty talking with adults that way but I think I even feel greater rejection when it's a child who is the one struggling to understand my painful attempts at small talk. I did try to talk with the daughter once, but she didn't want to acknowledge my greeting.


I hadn't explained it well enough for you to grasp (see my reply to Shopaholic).

I analized your problem and thought that maybe you could do one thing that would put you in another light with your sons. Such as a hobby that mostly males do (you'll have to use your own creativity on that because my interests are too narrow). If you had time to research it while your sons are not around, you might all of a sudden be really "cool" when you finally introduce them to it.

Well, I am pretty sure that her kids are a huge part of her life, and if you aren't willing to accept them as they are then I don't think you should pursue anything. That would be a huge part of her life that you just couldn't share. You are talking about them accepting you, but you would have to be able to make the first step and accept them as they are. Their acceptance of you may or may not come, but they are still children and NEED to be accepted. You are an adult and would like to be accepted. You can't just choose a "part" of someone's life to share or the relationship would be very shallow.

My advice, just be nice to the kids, take the mom out a couple of times and see if it feels right. Maybe even, after a while and you see things are going well with her, see if the kids like to do something, like an outing and take her and the kids to a park for a cookout or a sports game.

Just you showing interest should start the ball rolling and you should be able to figure out things better.

Her kids are more important than you. Leave her alone.

Of course her kids are more important than I am, and leaving her alone because of them is precisely what I have been doing. The problem is that she's wondering why "I no longer like her". I'd like to tell her that I still like her but, because of a reason beyond anyone's control, nothing can happen between us. That's not the kind of conversation I'm accustomed to having. I think I'll just be nice but not go out of my way to do such, which is different from the near-total ignoring that I've been doing for the past year.

Lie.