Worst social experience ever.

Post Reply New Topic

I am in college right now, and one of the classes that I'm taking is level design (thats right - for videogames!). In the first week, the teacher asked us to find a partner so that we could prepare a level design document at the end of the quarter for our game. The first two weeks - to me - went smoothly. We had some rough roads when it came to etching out ideas, or having to downsize others because they wouldnt fit in. Then, this week (the third) I was confronted with a whole new problem.

Unknowingly, I stepped on the elevetor when break ended to get back to class. It was crowded, but I couldnt hear much. I heard someone with a familiar voice talking about their partner in a project they were doing. I couldnt remember exactly what it was, but she felt like she didnt want it this way and that she was being put into a corner. Another person whom I dont even know compared her partner to being a caveman dragging her back into the cave. I smirked for about a brief second, then when I got a better view I saw the person who spoke and it was my partner from the level design class.

I immediatly became furious - at myself and at her. I was angry at myself for whatever I did that I screwed up on. I was furious at her because she decided to blurt it out in front of everyone w/o even talking to me. She did it so callously that she hadnt even realized that the person whom she was insulting was right on the elevator with her! I confronted her about it and she feign ignorance. When we got back to class I made it clear my discomfort with her and told her that I'm pulling from the group. I practically almost blew up in her face.

The thing that upsets me the most is not what she said on the elevator. Its that I made it clear to her in the first week that sometimes I may do things that seem awkward in front of her, and it is not meant to be taken as offence. I told her if she sees anything just blurt it out to me. Instead she blurted out to everyone around her.

I f*****g hate my life. I am now faced with restarting this project (which will make me 3 weeks behind) and doing it on my own.




f**k you God. There, I said it.

Whoa that is pretty rough.
I have come to this understanding and maybe it will make you feel a little better, maybe not.
People like to talk about other people because it indirectly creates a feeling of acceptance. So she may not have really had a big problem with you, but by talking about their annoyances these two people felt closer together.

I've seen people do this all the time, and they talk about people who are supposedly good friends of theirs. I'm sure they say awful things about me. Often times society is built on the lowest common denominator. It seems like it's just a really cheap way to create a sense of comraderie.

It is really unfortunate that you had to overhear it. Maybe it will teach her a lesson though.
I hope the project works out for you.

*hecate sends evil curse to the nasty woman.*

you shall have your vengeance, comkeen, oh yes...

she is the one with the problem- not you. success is the best revenge, so try to use your anger to motivate yourself to make your project better than hers.

How did your project turn out? Hope you are feeling better by now.

Might it have been another project and partner she was talking about?

What is it that you think you did, that made her feel this way? Post here what you think it was, and I can give you my analysis on this.

Most likely, I think it was over that "bubble space" thing that NTs have. I may have crossed it a few times (but god, I wasnt trying to hit on her - she's 31!). And like I said earlier, I may have been a bit too persuasive with my ideas on the project.

Now that things have cooled down some, maybe you could ask her if you could talk and find out what made her feel the way she did. Ask her if she would go for a cup of coffee with you, explain about your AS and then ask about the problem. Since she is "ancient", she should understand the invitation for coffee is not "hitting on her". By the way, I am 50 yr old and 31 seems young to me. When you talk with her about her feelings, just listen to her. Don't feel threatened and don't try to justify your actions. You won't learn anything that way. Apologize if you feel it is necessary. Do tell her you did not mean any offense. You'd be suprised what you can learn from people by just listening.

Read his post, he already did. She's just stupid and insensitive. There is absolutely nothing to learn from people like that and they are best avoided.

Mine has to be when I was at a New Years Eve party, and someone said "You don't talk much do you?" and I tried desperately to think of a good reply, but in the end everyone walked off. And I was alone for the rest of the night.

Sounds like you had the perfect response then . I'd love for people to leave me alone at a party, especially if there's another room in the party house filled with books.....but I understand, that wasn't what you were hoping for, and it wasn't much fun.

That's sounds awful. I can relate. I have had many where I just have no reply to "you're very quiet aren't you" - I feel like the ground could swallow me up and it would be a welcome relief.
I've had lots of horrible social times. One of the worst I can remember was going to a dinner party and sitting on the couch waiting for the dinner to be ready. Everyone else were talking freely, and I was with a good friend (but I didn't know anyone else).
I basically couldn't speak, I just felt so mortified and embarrassed. I didn't speak.
All night. There was a child there, and someone said (in my hearing) that kids could pick up on these things (the atmosphere I guess). This is a common occurence for me. Though being ancient (44) I've worked out strategies to remove myself from these situations, as know I've realise the way I am behaving can affect others (this was a revelation to me about a year ago!).

Know how you feel I think. It gets better in some ways, as your perspective on humans gets better as you learn.
Do you have a trusted person you could ask to be a kind of human behaviour mentor?

Cheers,
earplugs

I have found that for Aspies that social interaction becomes infinitely more complex when gender is put into the forefront. The thing I find very telling about Comkeen's experience is that it's likely the issue wasn't gender-related. I believe Comkeen probably hadn't done anything overtly or consciously sexist or sexual toward his partner. Yet her comment was undeniably sexist in bent. She was interpeting her discomfort as gender-related, and immediately assumed Comkeen was at fault.

I suspect these was an rather unfair interpretation on her part. I say that because I'm a woman, and have seen this happen too many times. Women get intimidated very easily in an academic setting, and one of their defenses is to point to sexism. I don't deny that sexism exists in academic (in fact, it's a very sexist social sphere). But my gut says she was being kneejerky (and plain jerky) and defensive. She obviously lacks self-awareness as well as good manners. To say something like that in a public area within a small community (in this case) is small-minded and childish. God, and if she's 31, she should have handled her discomfort in a far more adult way.

I can understand Comkeen's reaction. All his emotions are entirely valid, although there are things he could have done to handle this situation better. I think it would have been good for him to not continue working with the person, but in situations like this, I feel that we Aspies need to be very calm and collected (as much as we can) so the offender doesn't get away with blaming us. Granted I'm probably older than Comkeen (I'm 34) and a lot more fed up with human B.S. and a bit more savvy about these things (well, sort of LOL). Had this been me I would have definitely made a point to this woman about her inappropriate behavior, although perhaps not as bluntl as I would have liked, and asked her forthrightly why she felt she wasn't capable of resolving this between herself and me. Nothing catches these jerks off guard more than politey asking them to reasonably explain their unreasonable actions.

I'm just tired of people being intimidated by me and feeling it's their right to slander, insult or hurt me in return. So in situations where I can, I stand up for myself. I do what I can to make other people comfort around me, but sometimes it just isn't enough and I'm not going to take the blame for that. People can seriously be bastards sometimes. I've never been able to suffer fools graceully, and I don't think I ever will. But I don't think that means I ought to resign to being a doormat. Leeny Kilmeister of Motorhead has a saying I often keep in mind: "Don't let the bastards keep you down."

So for me there's a balance to be sought, and it's hard work to find that balance. But in the end I think it's worth it. For example: I can be very bossy and want to do everything my way. OK, I'm aware of that about myself and I accept it's probably not a good social behavior. So I try to soften that about me - I let other people speak withou t me cutting htem off or ignoring what they say, example. But I'm not going to be a wimp either, and if I let people have their say, listen and consider it, then I have the leverage to expect that from them in return. Somewhere along the lines, with practice, i have found I can do these well. I can in fact learn reciprocity.

(The great irony is I've also found a lot of NTs truly suck at being reciprocal the way they expect others to be to them. They are at times the pigs they like to think we are. LOL. While I could hold a grudge about this, but why bother? I settle for the reassurence that I'm really not as screwed up as I have been told, and that I'm doing a lot better than I often give myself credit. )

In short, when people like this woman are piggish, mean and rude to us, they're exposing themselves for what they are: they're not really any better than us. Yes it can hurt at the time (trust me, I've been in tears many times by these kinds of things), but we shouldn't be ashamed of that pain - it's valid, because someone did something unfair or mean to us. We just need to learn to accept that even if some idiot did something to hurt us, we don't have to let that wound our self-respect.