Tired of NTs telling me I need to change my personality

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"Get with it!"

"Get out of your shell!"

"Stop being so timid!"

"You need to come out of that!"

"You need to start dressing up and quit wearing those clothes."

"If only you could change such and such, you'd be so wonderful."

"I can't believe you have such a mind, I feel sorry for you!" (from mother)

"God told me to tell you he's not pleased." (from guy who noticed my behavior when I met him)

"If you plan to move to Atlanta-New York-Sydney-Timbuktu, you need to really come out of it." (from co-workers after expressing my desire to relocate)

"You're just a baby."


These are just some of the things "well meaning" NTs have told me I need to do to be successfull-get the job-make friends-become a better person-have boyfriends-live a productive life.

Why is it if I had any other neurological or physical condition, people would never even consider telling me to change who I am but since I have Asperger's, they feel they are at liberty to tell me how I should be? I've gone my whole life thinking I was defective because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't be like everyone else. As a result, I've wished that I've never been born and that God would just take me away from here because I felt I didn't belong on this planet and I had no right to be here.

Yes I'm an introvert. Yes, I'm shy and quiet. Of course I'm non-agressive, dress for comfort, hate high heels, don't care that "everyone else is doing it", rather "make love" to my computer than go to the club, have a hard time with conversation, hate loud music, would rather feed the ducks at the pond than hang out in the break room during lunch, don't think having a husband and kids with a house in the suburbs and a lucrative career is the great end-all.

Why is it that a group of people who seem so miserable themselves think they know what's best for my life? For the first time since finding out I have AS and I'm not a walking defect, I'm happy with the way I am and consequently love myself and live my life the way I want. So why do people think I need to change just to suit everyone else and make them less uncomfortable being around me?

If they don't like my way of being, then get the hell away from me, then. And if I have to change to get friends-accepted-live wherever-a husband-job-be loved, then I don't want those things. Sorry for the rant, folks. I just find it more than just a little insulting that people think it's okay to back-handedly belittle my very being and am sick of it.

Like I said in another thread. NT's fear us beacuse we are different. Since we have no intrest in doing what they consider normal, they think we are a threat. This is typical NT thinking.

NT attitude people fear us because we don't get caught up in the emotional tumult of life and because we can't be manipulated in the same ways they manipulate each other.

That I am finding out, makes people hugely uncomfortable. It makes them feel like they can't control their world. In my life I have seen people resort to overt manipulation when the subtle stuff fails. This is happening to me even now. I do a great job at work, but get evaluated on my social interactions. Since you can't fire someone for not being social, they have resorted to other means. But the first thing they tried was that I was being socially inappropriate.

Not all NTs have this attitude. I am looking for people to include in my life who don't have this attitude. It's been a long hard time, but I have succeeded to a certain extent.

I just hate it when people don't believe when I say I can't do something just because they find it easy.

Gets my goat every time. So infuriating. And there's really very little you can say to counter that "Just try harder!"

If they are all of sudden looking at your social skills when they were not in other evauations, you could have a legal case in they might be trying to get rid of you. If you make it known about your AS and they fire you becuase of "bad social interaction" You might have a case of discrimination.

Agreed. I don't know how many times I have heard from my family, why don't you just do it? When it came from my therapist it was a clue to how little she really knew about aspergers. Why don't you just go out somewhere and start meeting people? Sure, and you can just go out and perform brain surgery. Ugh. You are right. There is nothing that will make them understand that it is wiring, not will.

Re the job - it looks like I may be filing a lawsuit as they have not provided any objective evidence that I cannot do my job based on their perception that something is disabling me.

Even begore dx I had come yo the conclusion that although I was out of step with everyone, it made them apper funny. So I just work on my sense of humour now. It only appeals to me, but that isn't a problem. Plus I do feel happier than ever.

My ex-caseworker, though she was a dear friend of mine, drove me insane whenever she said something like that. She seemed to think anyone can do anything if they want it enough. Therefore, my problem was not trying or wanting hard enough. That apparently was my fault and I would only receive an "Oh well" from her.



Welp, looks like law suit it is. Good luck.

Question to the OP:

Who are these people exhorting you to do all these things? Are they casual works-acquaintances, personal friends or what?

It seems to me that if there are any facile and proscriptive nostrums to be dished out, the first and final one would be to get away from these dreadful sticky beaks.

Reading another thread, it dawned upon me that the reason there is so much pressure to conform is not because of the transitory promise of rewards (financial security, career success, etc), but because an obedient majority who choose to 'play by the rules' wish to ensure that everyone else must capitulate too.

The easiest way to control Rebels is to furnish them with the power to extinguish Rebellion in others.

My ex-caseworker/friend just has ADHD and is incredibly opinionated, with a slight difficulty of getting around those opinions and being logical, sometimes. Putting everyone on an equal plane and all.

"Everyone can do anything if they want to do it!"

Other than this stubborness of hers, I am very fond of her.

Was she formally diagnosed with ADHD?

I get these too.

"You never talk"

"Loosen up"

"relax"

"Why are you trying to be someone you're not" (Mum)

"you're weird"

"you're so innocent"

The question should be who weren't the people telling me to do all these things. It would've certainly been alot easier to answer. My parents, grandparents, friends (I had to distance myself from one because she treated me like a personal project.), co-workers, religious people who thought I had "demons in me (I'm not joking), interviewers for jobs (When trying to find work in New York), strangers (What the.... ), the mail man (just kidding )you name it, I've gotten it from all sides.



If you think about it, most people fear differences. Think about it. Why does society care about people's racial make-up, religious practice or social-economic background? Because people are repelled by what's different from them. Mental illnesses and neurological differences used to get many incarcerated for life in horrible institutions where they were tortured, beaten and neglected.

Even now in this "enlightened" age, if you're in a mental facility, you're treated more like an inmate than a patient. That's the extent that people are afraid of what they don't understand or can't control.

All from my mom:
"You have no personality"
"You still haven't changed"
"You always sound so sad"
"You have such a sour outlook on life"
(and there are quite a few more that I just can't think of at the moment)

Also:
"You need to ___________" - my uncle
"You're so serious"
"You're so sensitive"
"Chin up"
"Quit whining"
"You're creepy/scary"
*blank stare*
"It's funny because you said it in such a dry voice"

From what you've said, they've violated ADA, HIPAA, the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the EOE law, one of the Ten Commandments, the code of Hammurabi........ Like I said before, I hope you get 'em so bad those a-holes will have to hold a seance to get legal counsel from Jonny Cocherin.

Thank GHOD that I am done with school and my church youth group for good! I heard similar crap all the time:

"Why are you so nervous?"
"You have such an attitude problem"
"You don't talk"
"You're weird"
"Relax"
"You just don't TRY hard enough to __________"
"You're a snob"
"You over-exaggerate everything"
"You scare me"
"Calm down" (it's even more amusing when people scream or swear at me to get me to calm down)

And the gems from my ex....

"You'll never make it in the real world"
"You take everything too personally! Why do you always have to obsess?"
"You're afraid of the world"
"Why are you so dependent?"
"You're afraid of change"