rant/vent!

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So I envy all the autistic children born or who are growing up today, and how so many opportunities they have, and how their is so much more hope for them. I freaking hate my life and how it is going, I wish I got IEP or any of the other therapys offered now as a child, maybe I wouldnt be stuck everyday headbanging, making myself go deaf in one ear or have multated hands and other stuff due to the amount of self injury i do, stimming so bad i can't even function well in this damn world. I still cant do crap to my damn hair, have problems dressing myself, picking out freaking clothes, i just want normal damn speech where i can express what i want and need easier or not having to worry about being nonverbal, a family who understood from the very beginning, i have a brother who hates me because i cause so much stress to this house, a brother whos dead, a father whos dead, and my mother who desperately tries to understand but doesnt ever seem to get it.

I just want a new brain soooo freaking badly, so many people take the littlest things they do for granted, like being able to take care of themselves on their own, not needing to rely on ppl all the time. I have no money, a brain that never works right, a heart thats so strong that wants to help and give to so many people, a body whos always in pain, and my spirit and soul which is of a child. I just wish so badly I can just disappear for good!

Yes this is a rant/vent, I'm sooo damn tired of being autistic/having autism !

I can understand your frustration. You do have, though, one thing most people don't: someone who loves you the way you are. I think that's the most elusive treasure in this world. I for one never had it and it looks like I'm always further and further from ever achieving it.

Age1600, I'm sorry to hear things are going so badly right now. Please don't despair. Thank of all the good you have done. I read your post over on Autism Speaks, and I think you opened up the eyes of a few parents. If you weren't autistic, you couldn't have done that. Yes, it might have been great if we had been born with normal brains, but then we wouldn't be who we are.

No if I wasn't autistic I honestly think I would be where I wanted to be today, my brain is soo horrible, what leads me through life is my heart, that wants to give so much. I put this post on autismspeaks as well, to let all those parents know how lucky their children will have it, and how their children have a brighter future. I have done a lot, but its not because of my autism, even though if i wasn't autistic I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I just am completely tired of struggling and praying for something I just can't ever achieve . I'm sorry if It seems im like argueing with you, i want to thank you for replying and saying all of that, im just so done with this autism crap lately. Even lately my autism specialist is giving up on me, i'm kinda lost.

It's honestly not that great, all it is is just "mental apartheid".

Yep,even Voerwoerd and Malan would be impressed by how rigid and stratified our society is by condition which certainly equates to how South Africa was like under racial apartheid.

Just be happy you know that there are people who love you, and know who's on your side and who isn't. Also be happy you can understand human behavior(better then most aspies can).

And just be happy that because of the previous, you're are not thrown for a loop.

Myself I am an aspie. I am surprised by tour level of writing and intelligence considering that you have classic autism. That may be ignorance on my part. I thought that people with classic autism could not write well at all. You're sexy to.

I also have tourette's syndrome

Haha thanks, yea I saw this defintion on classic autism once, which I think fits different levels of functioning for classic auties... Classic Autism

Classic Autism affects a person's ability to communicate, form relationships, and respond appropriately to the environment. Some people with Classic Autism are high functioning and have the ability to speak and interact with others. Others are more severely affected and may be nonverbal with cognitive impairments.

My writing is good thank gosh, i can even type without looking really fast and well, i wish that was the same way with talking lol.

i feel ya...

i try to do my best with things everyday... and it's frustrating to think and notice that i'm not getting any better at these things... i still am clumsy as f**k... scatterbrained as all get out... and unable to effectively communicate important things at important times... and people just tell me to "think"... like i don't, or that i don't try...

it's just very frustrating that my best isn't good enough... and i'm already tired from TRYING to do my best all day everyday... that i cry sometimes... when i don't meet someone's expectations.

i haven't had a meltdown at work yet in front of anyone but my adviser (who knows i think i'm AS and i think he agrees...) but i'm worried, now that our lab is growing... that i may just switch off in front of people and get overwhelmed and embarrass myself completely.

Age, look at it this way, if not for you and all you have helped the world learn, those children would be without all that help. I would think that would comfort your big heart.



Me too, me too. But i take comfort in something about this, "knowledge makes arrogant, but love builds others up". Look around; would you want to have risked becoming an arrogant a@@#$e? I wanted to be a prodigy when i was a child, then i wanted to at least be really intelligent and have a single degree, now i'm glad if i can just know enough to help care for those in my life and carry on a conversation. And i've decided that if it's enough for my loved ones, it's enough for me. I for one have to tell you that every time i read your posts your positivity and enthusiasm is contagious and it makes me smile.



....and you are doing just that!



....and is a comfort to those who have been battered by all the "grown ups" out there. Please hang in there and see what you are contributing. I am not the only one who appreciates it.

Age,
am completely understand everything there and wont say 'just think good thoughts' or 'try harder',because it doesnt work when are already doing those things at a maximum level anyway!
am experience it all the same way right down to the agonising information overload from changing clothes,and sometimes it really feels like are being punished for something,it is truly torture to live through and that is with both 1-1 and 2-1 support!

it sounds like are both in bad places,and could do with living somewhere more suitable! this can make things so much worse if are around the bad all the time,and are made to struggle.
are getting benefits--and the right level of them?

and as for brother who hates,it helps a lot when eventually dont live with them anymore as am had the same problem with Rach,she hated am and wanted nothing to do with am because of how am/autism effected her life,but have both been living in different places now for years and she is one of the advocates for am at meetings,and makes sure am doing okay here,shes nice-still not feel normal saying that.
give it time,and wait till are living apart from brother first,because it does really help.

am think need to get a residential placement somewhere,Age-or own place with support.
would not have to deal with bad from own mum or brother.

as for mum,get specialist to speak to her about own challenges,needs and differences,they should do,the autism speech therapist team have big folders full of records on am/autism/HCN/CB/meltdowns etc that anyone who is involved in supporting am and family are allowed to read.

it would be bad if disappeared from WP,are gtreat to have on here,what about starting a blog,to put all thoughts/anything in?
if am dont have access to the computer and/or blog,not being able to get any of it out gets am doing what staff call 'kicking off',if are the same,and edould wlike a blog,try http://www.blogger.com

Hey Age1600

You're not the only one with a heart.

People care about you.

Age1600,

The way you describe yourself, self harm, hating your brain, uncontrollable violent stims, etc.... I feel SO much luckier than you. Still, I MYSELF envy those today, even YOU to a degree! A childlike soul/spirit actually has it's good side. I'm trying to keep what little of mine I have, and maybe get some back. As for the heart? I have that ALSO! I have given FAR too much. I may well pay for that later. 8-(

Your tag line seems SO upbeat. You look nice, you say you have a boyfriend that cares for you, and a "little" that YOU are helping. You seem nice. Surely you realize I STILL say things as I see them. I haven't said a thing against you and I don't even think I ever argued with you.

As for your intelligence? I don't know how fluid it is, but I have met LOTS of people that seem a LOT dumber than you do. And I am not saying you come off as dumb, because you don't.

I guess I am basically saying that some seem a LOT better off than they are, and you may think you are a lot worse than you are.

I wish you the best. I just wish I could help.

I share this point of view and have felt this way for the better part of 48 years. Figuring out why I am so different 15 months ago is better than not knowing, but being on the spectrum sucks!

Oh, I wish I could give you a hug... except that if you've got touch sensitivity it would do more harm than good... so a cyberhug will have to do.

(((((Hug)))))

I have not been on these forums long, but had already noticed how kind and well-thought your posts always seemed to be.

I wish I could provide some sort of amazing solution, but of course, I can't.

Just remember we love you and that your life is worthwhile.

Oh, and if your doctor is giving up on you, perhaps you should seek out a new one. Someone who will appreciate your big heart and sweet spirit.

I think you have a lot to share and you're one of the people we need to help change the perspective of autism.

YES, it's friggin hard, and it sounds like you're on the more severe end of the spectrum than I am. I find it so hard too sometimes. I just found out today that people are aware of one of my obsessions and have been talking about me behind my back. There is so much about autism I don't like. But then I have to remember that we should be proud of what we are and what needs to change is the world, not us. Just like if you asked a black person: would you rather be white? I'm sure most black people would say no, but we sure would like to be treated the same as white people and have the same opportunites. I wouldn't rather be NT, but I'd like to have the same opportunities they have and not be looked down upon for not being NT.

You seem really sweet to me. And you have a boyfriend? That's one more than I've ever had. I bet there's a lot of good things about you.