Zero tolerance for failure (my life and relationship issues)

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I dunno wtf is wrong with me. I couldn't get digsby (an IM program) to run on my computer and it completely set me off. It resorted in me throwing a fit, yelling, cussing, crying, and wanting to bang my head on the wall.

My boyfriend works during the day so I don't like not having my messenger running, that is my only source of socialization, since the f****r drives my car too I can't even go anywhere except by bike.

I don't have patience for anything that goes wrong and my boyfriend (an aspie as well) can't understand it and doesn't want to. He says I will never be able to work because I can't handle any form of stress, maybe it's true. f**k him, I'm going to school to work with animals.

He really pisses me off, he's such a hypocrite. He gets pissed off and starts saying "Jesus f**k" and "n****r", and he's not racist but he gets the rudest cuss words stuck in his head and says them over the stupidest things. Our empathy is not very strong with one another and I hate, he takes everything you say so damn personal and gets manipulative with me and turns what I say against me.

Sometimes I want to die, I feel like I can't do anything right and I am not good enough for anyone. I walk on egg shells trying to keep my boyfriend happy and not get upset with me, I could breathe wrong and he would b***h. But I get annoyed easy too. He keeps saying we aren't right for each other but he wants to make it work and so do I. I love him, he is usually good to me...except when something goes wrong.

He doesn't help me any sometimes because when I make him upset he comes up with a long list of things I do wrong and so on. I know communication is good and he should be honest with me. But I'm terrified of being abandoned, rejected, and hated by him someday. And it will be my fault because I'm a weak human being/freak/loser who can't do anything right. Also I just moved in with him, I have no job, and no way to support myself. I have a mother in Akron who is cool but I don't want to live there alone, she works over 8 hrs a day and spends a lot of time on the road. I don't want to live there, I love where I live, in Lakewood/Cleveland area Ohio. I don't want to lose my apartment, I don't want to lose everything, I can't afford rent and bills on a $425 a month income when rent is $525 a month, f*****g disability, god I am a piece of s**t loser. Also I love his parents and family, they treat me like I am blood and I don't want to say goodbye to them and end up hating me. I can't take rejection.

I don't want to leave Eric I do love him but we have problem, I have problems. Maybe my self-esteem/bipolar, and AS is ruinning my life and the relationship. AS I don't mind but bipolar has me by the throat right now.

And that's another thing, I don't have any medication because I am on medicaid and the s**t doesn't transfer when you move out of county. So I have to sign up for that and food stamps while the pills cost over $600 I can't and am not paying for that. I don't have an appointment with a case work, who wont return my phone calls til the end of the month. In the mean time I have no meds and I am on my period which is a very bad thing for me because I have pmdd and basically want to kill myself when I get my period. The only way I can get rid of my period is by starving myself. Hell I could be thin and I wouldn't be good enough anyhow.

The other day I pissed my boyfriend off in the car and yelled because he made a loud sound that startled me while I was driving and my reaction was yelling without thinking. Then he yelled at me and started being a defensive f****r, nothing new with him. I call it "Eric-Drama" which of course when I say that sets him off. I got manipulative and rude and said mean things in the car and I can't remember when I said just that he deserves what he gets and he called me a c**t. Then when we got home wrote on my facebook wall that I was fat and played the victim saying that I hate him like an insecure, rude, immature school boy. Then because, I don't allow myself to cry or cut myself I hold everything inside, then have a panic attack, practically faint for high blood pressure and shock of everything and as I hyperventalate on the floor him and his weak ego ignore me. And when I go in the bathtub and meltdown he doesn't care. I could have hung myself and died and he would have just said that I was trying to manipulate him and ignore me. I'm still so f*****g hurt over this that I am crying as I write and I don't care if he gets pissed off he can read this post later.

Anyways this ended up being a ramble, to sum this up, I can't do anything right, and I am a weak, psycho human being.

PS. Forgot to add that he makes fun of my ocd all the time so I get him back my making fun of him for walking on his toes.

Blah I just made him look like an ass. He's a good guy, I can be bad too, Eric if u read this I'm sorry.

Dear ChristinaCSB,

When I was a freshman in college, I got in a petty argument with one of the people I hung out with. The get-together was breaking up and we both lived in the same dorm. There were two ways, about equally short to get back to the dorm, so when he took one route, I silently took the other.

I found him standing outside my dorm room, and he asked me, "Were you planning on just walking away forever?"

I said, "Isn't that how it works?"



I offer this glimpse into my personal history as a background in expecting perfection of myself and others. I have struggled hard to overcome this character flaw, and if you decide to tackle it, I doubt it will be easy for you either. But it is worth it.

I hope you get back on your meds soon, and into therapy, because those may help you. Also, start by, every day, saying "I'm going to let one thing slide." You don't have to be right just because someone else is wrong. It doesn't have to be a big thing you ignore, but just let one thing go past you without comment, and you'll eventually find that more can go past without causing such anxiety.

I wish you good luck.

Take care of yourself and your boyfriend.


Sincerely,


Ikari Gendo

yeah good luck

He read this and didn't kill me, was a little hurt but he understood. I'm trying to work things out.