giving up on making friends and keeping them

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i can make friends easily but i have trouble keeping friends because they don't stay in contact with me that often or not all just getting tired of having to make the effort myself.

Ya I understand. One thing I have found out though is that my real friends don't require me to stay in touch all the time. I have found that even if weeks go by, sometimes months, and we haven't hung out, the next time I see them they are still my friends. Try not to have the same "standards" for friend making that most of society holds to be true. You've got to respect yourself and how you are, and a few other people will see that and respect you for it. I know I cannot put as much effort (as in calling, hanging out, staying "in the loop") as most people can, but this does not change the fact that I genuinely care about my friends and enjoy their company. My friends know this and don't punish me for it by leaving me out. They stay anyway and are there, the same as always, when I need them (<-- true friends). Know what to look for, know what you need, and don't depend on those who don't respect you for who you are.

jnet's right. You can have friends without torturing yourself to keep them. Acknowledge your limitations, expand them if possible, and take it easy.

i keep in touch with people online and i go out once week i try and talk to people on the phone but i just get ignored

Unfortunately, for some people this isn't enough. I don't understand it either. All I can say is if they are going to ignore you, it's time for you to move on and not let them get to you anymore. By the way, I am in a situation right now at an internship living with 10 others in which I am constantly ignored. It has been torturing me all summer bc I've made a huge effort to try to be friendly but it's not enough. Luckily for me it's almost over and I can go home after this week and just walk away from these people. But it has taught me that some people are just not going to respect and include me, no matter what I do.

But I can understand if you want to keep hanging on to them. It's social contact and it feels good. You want it to work, so you keep trying. I can't tell you not to try anymore, but I'd like to give you this advice -- don't blame yourself, respect who you are, and don't let it get to you. Maybe you can just appreciate these friends for who they are and not expect them to give you more than they currently are. Accept the situation for what it is, and begin branching out to find those kind of friends that I described.

thanks for the advice i keep it in mind.

I'm an NT with slight AS tendencies and i've just recently realised that one of my friends is most likely AS... Even though i feel that we connect so well and we enjoy each others company there have been many times i've just wanted to give up... at first (before i thought he was AS) i felt that maybe he didn't even think of me as a friend as it seemed like i was the one that was always making the effort and being turned away a lot of the time... and with him constantly talking about doing things on his own and that he was better off alone and that uncomfortable/painful expression on his face whenever i mentioned doing something together i really did believe that he didn't want to be friends... yeah rejection is painful for NTs too :\

but whenever we saw each other he always seemed extremely excited (too excited even? is that an AS thing?) and after a bit of time i could see that he was initiating contact a bit more... BUT, it was always on his terms which made me feel like he was inconsiderate and self-centred... i never felt he was doing it on purpose and now that i have a better understanding of AS i can see that that's the case... but still, it made me feel like i was constantly having to accommodate him but i didn't think he would do the same for me... rather than attempt to accommodate someone else he would just flat out say no

uh that was long-winded and not directly related to your situation, haha.... but i guess what i'm trying to say is are you considering the other person's feelings too? friendships or any sort of relationship are a 2-way thing... people aren't always available to do things when you are so it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to be friends with you... also how are you approaching the friendship? are you giving mixed signals? do you ramble about yourself/your interests all the time? do you come across insecure or submissive? my friend is constantly apologising for things that don't need to be apologised for or aren't his fault, i've noticed especially so when he's on the phone... (my best friend reminds me that i apparently used to do this too when i was persuing a friendship with her ) i find it cute but i have heard his other friends talk about his apologetic nature in bemused/puzzled tones and i can see how it can becoming annoying for others... and when you feel like someone is constantly putting themselves beneath you by apologising it can make people lose respect for you because friends should be equals... and he's always rambling on excitedly about his latest obsession... this doesn't bother me as i enjoy listening to his ramblings (and he does make the effort to ask about me) but many NTs don't enjoy one-sided conversations

on the other hand some people don't want to be friends and there's nothing you can do about that except move on... that's just the way life is, for everyone, NT and AS... i noticed my AS friend had a hard time accepting this too... but i don't think it's an AS thing... it's just a general low self-esteem thing... that need to want to be liked... yep felt that too

so uh yeah, doubt i've been any help, but just try and be aware of how you come across to others anad know when to let go... i think it's awesome that you're making an effort so don't give up! and as jnet said, "don't blame yourself, respect who you are, and don't let it get to you"

i don't know when to talk to people or when to stop talking and how to act around people sometimes i say nothing and speak when spoken to.

yeah picking up that stuff is all about reading the cues people give out but since it's hard for you guys i don't know what solution there is except to learn through experience... i guess just keep meeting people but don't be so quick to think of them as a friend... over time you'll notice the people who are still hanging around who enjoy your company and will want to hang around you more... just make sure that when that happens don't question so much why people even want to be your friend because that just ends up pushing people away... i guess with my slight AS tendencies i find NT people to be quite dull myself so would much rather hang out with and relate better with people who are a bit quirky and random... it may not seem like it now, but there are people out there who will like you for who you are... though i stress there does need to be clear communication so things aren't taken personally and out of context... and always just try and be aware of what kind of signals you're sending out too

An old problem i had too, trust me , just calling the person now and again to see if their avaliable to hang out or just to see how their doing will do the trick , myspace will also help if your a lazier person ( such as myself lol).

i go on facebook myspace and msn when i talk to people i dont like using the phone that much.

i don't like the phone either... but not everyone is on the computer as much as us... and even my AS friend who claims to be on the computer all the time avoids checking his email and facebook (he turns his phone off because he says he doesn't want random people contacting him and that i should email him yet never checks his mail... can someone explain this to me??) and i know some people just think it's impersonal so sometimes you just suck it up and make the call if you want to contact them badly enough

Yep, that's my default behaviour too. I'd rather be considered quiet and boring than a complete idiot/dickhead/worse.

same here.

I have given up on making friends. Either they tend to want too much, or I want too much and I just get burned out from it all. What I need if I need anything at all, is some buddy to have an occasional shallow conversation without covering personal issues or other "deep" issues. Unfortunately they never stay that way for long. Eventually one party wants to know more about the other and from there it gets ever increasingly complicated and tiresome. Maybe I should get a goldfish instead.

i cant have a shallow conversation with a person i've tried to but i can't i just like listening to people then answer back when they ask me to.