Entering Adulthood?

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I am a father to an 18 year old son with Aspergers. Honestly, I am just about at my wits end with him. I'm not sure if it's due to his age, or his disability or a combination of both. He is just not a nice person to be around. He is nasty and impatient with everyone - especially his younger sister (age 6). He treats her like crap. He is a senior in high school and is planning (if you can call it that) to attend the local community college in Sept. He is working a few hours a week at a fast food restaurant. Every spare moment is spent in his room playing video games. He has no friends, wants to get a drivers license, but doesn't want to take lessons because he views it as criticism. He gets angry when he sees others his age doing age appropriate things, but doesn't have the motivation to try to compensate for his disability. It hurts me because I see a person who has potential to be successful and independent, but his lack of social skills and anxieties about everything are preventing him from ever reaching that potential. He has no interest in seeing a counselor, or joining some kind of social skills training. His answer to everything he doesn't want to do is "I can't do that." I am trying to help him transition toward adulthood, and he is just not ready to think about being an adult. As long as everything goes exactly how he percieves things should be, he is a 'nice' person. But as soon as some unplanned thing happens during the day, he becomes a beligerant, uncooperative tyrant. After 18 years of this, I am just tired of his disability disrupting everyone else's life.

Sorry for the rant.

Welcome, AspieDad2. I'm glad I found you.

My children are younger so I'm not there yet but the hardest part for me is what can't they do vs. what don't they want to do.

I wonder if your son might be depressed. Is there anyway to force him to see a concilor? Any privliges you can give or withhold?

In any case, I strongly recommend YOU get the support you need. Parenting young adults is not for the weak willed. He is going to be hit, and hit hard, by natural consquences in the next few years. You need to get support to let it happen.

Perhaps he could take suggestions better from an outside source? Could you set up an appointment for him to talk to a career councilor from the college? Perhaps someone from their disability center? Nothing like an outside reality check.

My sister's son is not an aspie, nor is he nonnuerotypical in any other way. She had to kick him out at 19. Now, at 21 he has moved back in and knows he can stay there as long as he is going to school and moving forward. I think the last two years were harder on her than him. Its even harder for those of us parenting special needs children. The margin of error is slimmer, the potential consquences worse. But, if he refuses help, he has to live with the results.

BeeBee

Hi

I have an 18 y/o aspie and a 15 y/o who sounds like your son. If you get him through high school that is all you can do. If you enable him he will not "grow up", cause he won't have to. Tell him what you expect of him and that if he isn't going to comply he will have to find another place to live after he graduates. With my son I have locked up the video games and the computer that has internet access. I dole these out as priviledges when he does what I want. When he gets unpleasant I tell him there will be a consequence he does not like. I am a single female parent and my younger son is a foot taller than me and built like a linebacker. I cannot afford to allow him to become beligerent. I tell him that if I ever have to be afraid in my own house, he is gone. I also tell him that I love him. So far the combination is working. He does not always like me and he does get angry, but later he will get control of himself and talk it out. Computer games and the internet are too easy a substitute for human contact. Take those away and he will be more likely to seek out others. Also try engaging him socially. Take him to shoot pool or something. Good luck!

Thanks for that advice. I feel like I am partly responsible for his lack of social contact. The only thing he ever enjoys is playing video/computer games. His bedroom is his santuary, with 4 game systems, satellite TV, VCR, DVD hookups. He never has to leave his room. If we took that away, he would go ballistic! Maybe we could come up with a contract for him, outlining the amount of time allowed. When he was younger, we limited his time on computer/video. But in the last year or so, we've let him decide how much time to spend on those as long as he completed all his schoolwork. That has equated to ALL his spare time. I've even tried to encourage him to join one of those online games - at least he would be communicating in some way with others, but he's not even interested in that. He only likes the role-playing games that one plays alone.

aspiedad2

My parents dealt with this with me and honestly I'll say something. Sorry to be blunt but no amount of forcing me to try to see a councillor or withholding privileges or such could make me do it. If it's not my idea and I'm not comfortable with it, I don't do it. I don't think a parent should *force* a child to see a councillor, I went there and sat and barely said a single thing. If a teen especially doesn't feel comfortable with seeking a councillor, one shouldn't be forced, on the other hand the option should be made available should they choose to feel they need it. Forcing someone to do something when they don't feel they need it or want it could potentially cause more issues than already exist. Leave options open for the child, yes give them consequences, but there may be a point where parent and child will butt heads together. Some will do things more willingly, others won't. My parents learned that when I was a teen, the more they forced/pushed me... the more I stood my ground and pushed back and it really hurt my relationship with them.

Yes. That is also part of the problem. He does not want to see a counselor or participate in a social skills class or anything like that. We tried that a few years ago. Paid a nice sum of money to have him in a social skills class and he deliberately did not participate in the class at all. It was a waste of money and he got nothing out of it. If he doesn't want to do something, NOTHING will change his mind. In school, he sees the psychologist once a week, but doesn't get much out of it, plus he hates it that he is pulled out of his regular classes to go see her.

aspiedad, your son sounds a lot like me when I was 18. I dunno how I ever got over it, unless it just happens naturally. I think I just became more accepting of other people and situations over time.

I don't know. I still think I would park my child there. If he decides not to talk to the councillor, that is his choice. If I feel he needs to be there, he's there.

BeeBee

http://www.familyfirstaid.org/

I could only wish that they had social skills classes around here.

Yikes!

I've heard nasty things about some of the schools advertised there. I think it would be worse for kids with ASDs.

Have you heard otherwise?

I think an AS kid would not do well in that type of program (at least my AS kid wouldn't do well). I have to say, that he is a very good student - all his teachers say how polite and nice he is, hard worker, etc... At home he becomes MR GROUCH. I just want him to realize that the more he removes himself from social situations, the more difficult it will be for him when he is out of school and in the 'real' world.

aspiedad2

Hi Aspiedad2,

You son has some serious behavioural issues, which I am not sure if he will grow out of them. I'm 22 and do not get along with my moderately ret*d half brother who is 8, he often drives me nuts with his behaviour which I think has similarities to that of low functioning autistics. I often resort to strangling him

On the other hand even at same age as your daughter, my other half brother who will be 9 in January, who is normal for his age. Seems not to annoy me and I get along with him reasonably well.

I have a 20 year old aspie son with similar characteristics as yours. I homeschooled him since sixth grade seeing all the potential social problems he could have with teachers and other students. He was measured to be reading beyond 8th grade when he was just 7 years old, and did well teaching himself and attended community college before he was 16. Being in college with somewhat more tolerant people helped him socially. His teen-age years have been difficult for me and his father; he was not anymore the sweet boy he was. He was rude and nasty. Things go well and then something sets him off. The obsessions on certain topics also freak me out. He won't see a counsellor.

I can truly empathize with you. We are also a work in progress. What I can suggest is that your son's preoccupation with video games might be his way of calming from stress. You might suggest to do other fun things with him that he likes and maybe he'll talk/interact more? It seems a lot to ask of parents, but I have accepted that my aspie needs more time to develop socially. I know he'll need our parental support longer than other kids. Just continue to love him because we are all he's got and it builds trust in him.

Turning 18 and facing the challenges of adulthood seemed to cause tremendous stress. Can he make it on his own, will he be drafted, etc.? He even insisted he had to leave the country for several months afraid of the draft and then could not really get along outside his comfort zone. It was a learning experience though. When he turned 20, he seemed to mellow down, after realizing nothing catastrophic happened and he could still live at home and go to school.

One thing that helped him emotionally and socially though was getting a female pet boxer before his 18th birthday. I thought it would be a way to reach him, and it worked. She is a calm rescue dog. It took a while for him to be really involved with the dog care, but the pet's unconditional love has won. The pet is a good outlet for his need for friends (or close friends) and being a girl or people magnet, the dog introduces him to many other people. He loves taking the dog for walks. I can also speak to him indirectly through the dog. She brings out the affect in him and he would do things for her he would not normally do.

I find that it is productive not to confront him directly, since he can outargue anyone in a minute, but to help him in ways that he is comfortable with. I don't see him as an overgrown spoiled brat, but as a person with the hope to become self-reliant given a little more time. As long as there's progress everyday, I'm happy with that.

You're a concerned father, you're a good Dad and keep up the good work! Good luck!

I am in agreement that forcing a child into counseling will be non-productive. Counseling is only useful if the individual is willing to take accountability for their actions and willing to make a change. He will not make a change as long as he is comfortable with the situation as it is. As far as going postal if you take away his gaming systems, as long as he does not become physical it really doesn't hurt anything. I tell my son when he calms down I will discuss the situation with him. Right now your has no life outside the computer games. As long as he is passing in school maybe you can't change this at the moment. Try dragging him out for some family time on Sundays. I tell my kids that Sunday is family day and that is not negotiable. They have to spend some time with me. I am lucky that my folks live close, so family time often includes them. When your child goes off to college/tech school DO NOT let him take all the computer stuff with him, maybe just the newest game system and a couple of controllers so he can play with others. Make him stay in the dorms. He will meet others that way and everybody is new so are looking to make new friendships. This has worked with my older son who is currently at college. I also asked one of the moderators from this site to e-mail my son as she is attending school in the same town as he is. She was nice enough to do this. Maybe you could get your son hooked up with some similar kid on this site as well. He might answer e-mails. It is a small first step to communicating with real people.

Thanks again for all the advice. He already has decided that he is going to a local community college because he does not want to live away from home. I don't think he has the skills needed to be that independent anyway. Part of the problem is that I really don't know how independent he is ever going to be and that scares me. I know that he's emotionally behind others his age, and he may catch up in a couple of years, but I try to encourage him to be as independent as possible. It feels like I'm dragging him into adulthood kicking and screaming al the way.

Same here. I was barely at home at 18, and gone by 19, for that reason.

Counselling is a grey area - if he is not receptive to being helped, there isn't a lot you can do other than wait it out until he feels able to cooperate.

aspiedad, I feel for you. Part of the problem seems to be that at 18 many of us do not have the maturity or emotional readiness to face adult life. If this is the case, removing his props may prove to be counterproductive. As regards his behaviour towards others in the home, that is for you to judge. I would not stand for aggression and deliberate rudeness towards other family members, and he needs to learn to accept that other members of the family deserve to be treated as he would wish to be treated. You know your son, I do not - but it seems to be that basic ground rules of civility need to be agreed with him. I understand your son's rigidity when something doesn't go according to plan, it seems in my case to vary with my stress level - and I am having to learn to keep a lid on it, as it isn't fair to inflict my difficulty in accepting things on everyone else. Again, coming back to maturity - I am 29, yet in many ways I behave in similar ways to your son. At 18 he may not be sufficiently self-aware to make these changes in his life, and is frustrated - it may be better to take the transition to adulthood slower. I've tried not to generalise too much here as we are all different, but this is how I am viewing it as a fairly recently diagnosed adult with AS, having done most of my growing up too fast and with too little support, which I am now having to correct to complete the transition to adulthood properly. Good luck to both of you, and I hope you manage to come to an arrangement you are both happier with.