coming to terms with being alone

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A point came up on one of the 'the opposite sex doesn't treat me fairly' threads, that many of us won't find life partners; statistically, Aspies and AS people are more likely than NTs to remain unmarried their whole lives.

Totally aside from the social perceptions of singleness, how do people come to terms with the idea of never having a mate?

I am single, and relatively comfortable being so; certainly, I am happier single than in a bad (or even a mediocre) relationship. I would rather be alone than devote a lot of energy to a relationship that is doomed to crash and burn. I'd rather be alone than devote a lot of energy to a relationship that is doomed to fizzle into a nasty pile of wet ash at the end of my life.
I don't like to give up the idea, however, of finding someone, someday, who will understand me and around whom I can let down my guard. I like the idea of coming home from work to another person. I like the idea of cooking for two instead of one. I like the idea of being the same haven for a partner as a partner would be for me.

But I don't want to pick up after someone just because he's a man; I don't want to nag someone to help with the housework; I don't want to come home and have more work to do than when I left in the morning. I have a hard enough time finding a housemate that I can get along with; how can I expect to find a mate, which requires so much more than that?

So the chances are pretty strong that I won't find someone. I'm young enough, still, that this idea seems remarkable and a little painful.

yeah even though I am not 20 yet, I am pretty sure I won't ever find anyone
it doesn't bother me too much...though it really sucks that no one gives me a chance
f**k em is what I say
they don't want me, oh well...I can't wallow and die just because I don't get to screw anyone or go to the mall, etc

people put a lot of emphasis on relationships, it would have helped if I had a gf in high school but high school isn't around for me anymore so it doesn't matter as much-I won't stop trying
that would be idiotic
I just don't hope like I used to

I'm 28 and I am beginning to think that I am better off being single as well. It sucks being alone and bored all the time, but it sure beats all of the stress, drama, and B.S. of trying to put up with someone your not compatible with.

I've come to terms with it.

I have issues.
Heath issues, aspie issues, sensory issues...and baggage, lots of it...."designer" baggage in various shapes and sizes.

Every relationship I've ever had was a stress-filled roller coaster ride to hades...if it didn't start out that way, it ended up there.
I really don't have the patience or the sanity left for another ride.

My grandmother married very young and had a stressful marriage, she ended up becoming a widow around my age, she never re-married, she never dated, she lived to be in her 90's...she was the happiest person you would ever want to meet. She used to tell me you didn't need someone in your life to make you happy...you could do that yourself.

I should have listened to her sooner...she was right.

I totally agree. But is there a way of coming to terms with it without going through a series of bad relationships? I'm in my mid-twenties, and I've never had a relationship in my life. And I don't want to engage in a bunch of bad drama just to get over my loneliness.

Don't lose hope too soon. All you need is practice. From what I've seen, women- actually people in general think about others in terms of the social networks they associate with rather than specifically what they do/who they are. So if you just keep to yourself or aren't anyone who is perceived as important or having responsibility or some degree of status your worth goes down. This is why riding a harley is more macho than hang gliding, even if they both involve similar levels of physical risk- one of them implies membership in a community of people who drink whiskey and get into fistfights in trashy bars, the other implies membership in a community of people who drink organic grapefruit juice and watch Peter Pan in their pajamas. Or something. But what I'm saying is, you have to be willing to surround yourself with an image, and more specifically an image that associates you with people whose traits you want to be perceived as having.
It all seems pretty shallow, especially stated so bluntly- but I'll bet you think about other people that way too. You think about a person, and also the surrounding community they are a part of. People are mentally put into categories and groups. 'Oh, he's a bank manager, and plays in a band' vs. 'Oh, he writes computer code, in his room, and records music in the basement.' Maybe both pay similar amounts of money, maybe being a programmer even involves a greater level of talent or creative output- but guess which one is more desirable. In fact success in general is really defined in socially relative, not individual, absolute terms. Success is defined in most people's minds in terms of responsibility and community status, but not as much in terms of material wealth or intellectual ability. So even if Robinson Crusoe has managed to construct himself a 4-story treehouse in lovely bermuda, with spiral staircase, spring fed running water and trained monkey butlers, as long as he remains on that island he's much less desirable (not to mention much less available) than the actor playing Robinson Crusoe in the latest crappy Hollywood flick. So maybe on a first meeting don't mention the *things* you like- mention the *people* you like or activities connected to the people you like. This will allow the person to put you in a positive social context. So rather than saying, 'I like topology and set theory', say, 'I'm in my university's math club'. It's not the activity, it's the people you do it with.
So, what you have to do is make friends- the more friends you have the more you're worth, especially if they respect you, and also you can establish a reputation as being a swell guy. A girl is going to ask her friends what they think of you so treat everyone you know well, and word will get around. It's like advertising, almost. Creating your own little brand and image. Oh, and speak highly of your friends, it makes you look good- insulting friends behind their backs makes you look two-faced. Plus you're hoping they are saying good things about you in turn!
The key here is to not focus just on one girl- try to get to know a whole bunch of people and opportunities are more likely to present themselves. Expand your social network in general, don't just go off and try to 'find a girlfriend'. Finding a girlfriend is something that happens to you if you put yourself in the right situation, rather than something you accomplish through force of will.
That said, don't necessarily take the first offer that comes along- that is, the less needy and desperate you appear, the better. The implication is that if you're obviously a man in demand, there must be a reason for it. So don't go in too deep too quick. Think about it- in order to get a loan you have to prove you don't need it. It's like having good credit. Ever wonder why women are attracted to married men? Good credit. They have someone vouching for them. And just like banks treat people with no credit history worse than people with bad credit, I would say that even having a string of exes who hate you is better credit than no previous girlfriends at all.
In short, everything an aspie is naturally bad at, you have to become good at. Aspies tend to lock onto ideas, and lock onto people- which is a bad move. Aspies keep to themselves- another bad move. Aspies are mostly unaware of social context or stereotypes- the same ones other people exploit. Aspies usually have a pretty sparse dating history- another strike. So it's an uphill climb but knowledge is a good first step. And as a corollary I'd not mention being an aspie any sooner than necessary. Unfair? Of course, considering all these fuzzy, imprecise social considerations usually don't figure too significantly into how aspies themselves evaluate other people. But that's just tough, life's unfair, you have to work with what you've got. There are 4 times as many male aspies as females, so for 75% of us finding an NT girl is our only chance.

Probably, I'm wrong on one or more of these points- but I thought I'd share thoughts. And I hope I didn't offend anyone with my hyperbolic stereotypes, I was just trying to illustrate a point.

I think so...in all those years I always equated relationships/couples with happiness...the 1 plus 1 thing equals the whole... I created alot of my own misery staying in relationships that I should have bailed out of at the start, I know that...because I didn't want to be "alone"...society says you shouldn't be "alone", friends tell you "you shouldn't be alone". Didn't matter that I was less stressed out and more at ease when I was "alone", I never knew I was an aspie, so I kept trying to do the what everyone else said I should do...afterall it worked for them, why wasn't it working for me? I think once you ditch the equation as not being mandatory for your personal overall happiness you can deal better with it.

Yes, I still get lonely, but I've been married and lonely too...there's not much difference...in fact if I have to choose I'd rather I didn't have someone contributing to the cause so to speak. I have a ton of hobbies, a ton of interests, I keep very busy...it seems to chase the loneliness away for me...I haven't been bored in ages. Even for those that do find life partners and beat the divorce statistics...one partner will most likely die before the other one does...and someone will be left alone. So it's something we all have to come to terms with sooner or later.

{sarcasm} Oh, is that all?! !{/sarcasm}

Seriously, if I were able to hang on to friends - even people I like - better, then I wouldn't be here.



translation: 'in order for an aspie to have a relationship, they have to (at least pretend to) not be an aspie.'
Even if we were capable and willing to do that, I don't think being deceptive about one's fundamental nature is a good way to start a relationship.



There are 4X as many diagnosed male aspies as diagnosed female aspies. IIrc the proportions on WP are close to 50/50. 'Course, if you're a male aspie who's only interested in supermodels, then yes: you'll be looking for an NT. Most of the women here don't seem to toe the line of conventional beauty norms.

Seriously, a lot of us have realized that we can't do what you are suggesting. And that we're SOL on the dating scene because of it. That's what this thread is about.

Things are hard, but preserverance pays off.

I on the other hand, almost got engaged in December, but broke up with her beforehand, because of emotional issues on her end; mainly because she was jealous that I always hung out with women, most of my friends were women, and that I could easily dump her for any of them...this was the cause of all three break ups and get back togethers, til I finally said enough.

so it's not that I don't like relationships, I like them, it's just that the occasional whacked (and no offense to any o you ladies here) female with issues is not what I need. Course there were other reasons that she was spring jealousy left and right, but I don't need to get into that. now. or ever..

Yeah, well where does that leave someone who's well into their thirties and has never had a girlfriend? Branded UNSAFE for no good reason, all because of irrational female prejudices. Those b*****s that rejected me when I was younger knew full well that would lead to women avoiding me in the future. What the hell do we do about that?

Irrational, because you do not understand the laws of nature, ja. From a evolutionary point of view, it makes logical sense.
As I often say science explains a lot.

Recognizing an extremely probable reality is one thing. Trying to be comfortable with it is a whole lot more difficult.

Something I learned in army basic training, of all places. It wasn't something they were trying to teach me, something I figured out on my own.

Boredom is a huge part of the experience. I think they see it as related to discipline, like if you can stand around doing absolutely nothing for long periods of time, that means you're disciplined. Something like that.

So I'd be standing in formation along with everybody else. There's absolutely nothing going on, but you have to stand still and you can't do anything.

So I'd pick out a tree or something to look at, and I'd tell myself, "Nothing is hurting me right at this moment, so I don't have to consider this experience painful." Not thinking about how pointless and boring the whole thing was, just focusing on the fact that right at this moment nothing was hurting, so right at this moment I didn't have to suffer.

Things often seem pointless and boring today. I still use this technique and it helps me. Not always, not often enough, but it helps me when I do.

THANK YOU. I'm horrified at how often that 1:4 number gets thrown around without specifying that's all that's RECOGNISED and acknowledging how much still needs to be learned about diagnosing women. That happens with heart disease, too - it's wildly under-diagnosed in women.





And those of us who do* so aren't very open-minded about getting closer to men who refuse to shower, wear deodorant etc. Most men THINK they're "good enough" hygiene-wise, but even NT men screw up royally in this area.

My appearance isn't glam or overdone; I tend to attract men who say they prefer "low maintenance" women. But a lot of thought and experimentation and reading and trying things on has gone into how I look, into putting together a wardrobe that's low-maintenance AND polished. It's not "free" - I've done all this for me, but I expect men who consider themselves candidates to have done at least half that amount of work on themselves.

A lot of males on WP insist they have a right to be with a women who looks a certain way. But if women object to something about them, then the women are superficial.


*it's a long and rocky path I've taken in the past 5 yrs; I don't prescribe it for even NT women but it's been hugely empowering for me.

--From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850

This might be more of a gender issue than an AS one.


The acquaintance I 'came out to' last week has been through a not-great 5-yr marriage, then a 6 yr relationship and what sounds like a tumultuous year-plus rebound. He said he's taking time to think about what he really wants. His 'must-haves' for a relationship sound great, but I questioned whether he'd really make the trade-off of giving up being Designated Comfort Recipient. The default is that men get comfort in relationships, and women provide it. It'll be interesting to see what his next relationship looks like.

Traditionally, men provided financial security; my "marriage" proved they're just as likely a liability. They don't let us off the comfort hook at all, though. When I married, I refused to assume responsibility for housework, and thought I'd found a good solution. (Didn't do housework at all, aside from about half the cooking & basic kitchen hygiene, until he agreed to hire someone.) He made sure I paid for that through the nose.

Physical contact is really important for me, does a lot to reduce free-floating anxiety. Of course, I didn't get positive physical affection -in- the relationship. He only touched me the way a little boy touches mommy. Once he told a therapist straight out he'd expected me to fill that role, and she said "how erooooooooootic!" in a really sarcastic tone. And he still didn't get it!


Will I ever be in a positive relationship? Hmm, I imagine it's possible, with a LOT of work on my situation. It's a vicious cycle. I'm confident I'd get to "okay" a lot faster if there were a safe source of that kind of connection in my life. I used to get massages; somehow I then felt even more alone.


It's not directly related to your topic, but in writing this it occurred to me maybe I should just focus on being / becoming happy vs. staying hung up on getting the divorce. It's another catch-22; to be free to be happy, I really need to sever his chances at sabotage. But right now I don't know how to get there without support. Ever since the women's center where I was getting huge help w/ exec dysfxn issues dumped me on the curb, I'm at a loss about everything, not least where I can get the letters I'll need for the court in order to apply for separate hearings.

(Gosh I hate that women's center. I'd told the social worker at the beginning about my tone and gestures not matching what she'd expect, and while we agreed she wasn't expected to treat AS, success would have required her accepting that I'm really really not NT. At the end she refused to believe that I tick differently than she does. My gourd, I really did everything in my power to be the best bloody client, and still got kicked in the teeth.)

I hold it true, wherever I fall
I see it, when I obsess the most
'tis better to have lined you against the wall
than never to have hated you at all

--From Daniel's poem Sage in rage and battered-wife syndrome, 20 something something