for those who have broken out of social rut, i need help

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I am 20 and dont have many friends. I have been anti-social for essentially the last five years or so. Im to the point where I have no friends, dont really do anything other than goto college/study/sleep

taking anti-depressants and therapy hasnt done **** to help me, so dont suggest those

I've drank only a little, but moderately. also, whenever i've told people i drank before, they all look at me with mockery, probably since they think i'm this really naive pathetic guy. Im good at being casual with people I dont know, Im just not good doing social things, cuzz I havent done many social things in years.

I want to go out and do social things like partying and getting laid, but how does one do that with no friends? Its like a great irony, to be social, you need friends, but what do you do if you havent had friends in six years? I dont know how to go about getting friends anymore.

i tried joining a few clubs last year, but i felt like i didnt fit in with anyone, so i ditched all of them. Thats my biggest problem, i just cant seem to find my niche at college. the problem is me, since everyone else has so much more social experience than me, so i feel isolated. people talk about certain things, and i'm clueless since i dont follow the same stuff that they do

Anways, since i've heard lots of people have changed their lives, from being lonely and shy in high school to having friends and being normal in college, is there anyone here that has been in this situation or one like it sometime in their life, and crawled out of it, and can tell me what you did to turn your life around?

I still have many opportunities to make friends. I go to a good university, but its hard to find people who share my interests, or if they do, they totally opposite personalities so they dont like me. and I do talk and socialize and all, but never really go much further, like asking them if they want to do something after school, or something like that. this is mainly because i dont know who i 'click' with, considering that i havent had friends in years. You have to remember, when I say I havent done anything that friends would do socially in years, im serious, I literally havent done social events at all.

since i'm pretty sure the best advice i'll get here will be "join clubs and organizations", which ones do you suggest? i dont really have hobbies, though i like to play basketball but suck horribly at it. would the ethnic clubs work, since i'm vietnamese but born in america and totally americanized?

heh, you wrote 'for those who have broken out of social rut', so i almost didn't even click on it. but i was bored now, so i did.

well, i am curious about the replies, too. recently i've been talking about this with a friend in other country. he told me to do some sport/hobby. i wrote him that i run everyday 4km and do a little of weight lifting and he corrected me that it should be something involving other people. so, perhaps someone will suggest you to do something i can use too.

that is how i am...

i got to a commuity collage and it has been 3 years like that...
school, homework, eat,sleep....art thrown in and a little job i have...

most of your questions i have no idea how to do it...especially your parting question...

for me...i have accepted that i am alone...and i know that is not what you wanted to hear...
but i said it anyway....and have come to find being alone actually satisifing...

a little while ago there was a concert i wanted to go to [that was free] and i couldn't find anyone who would go with me...thats okay...because this one guy i couldn't get into contact with him....so i didn't go but went with my parents to a different function at church...it was a special occasion and there was a chocolate fountain....even though i don't care for chocolate.

i'm on facebook...and there are groups that i like going to for those specail interest even though most of the time they ask for something or there is no action...

i know how you are ....

my parents are concerned...and i am too....partially....but besides that i am alright.

none of it you probably wanted to hear anyway...oh well....

MIckey,

it has been a long time since college or high school for me but I can tell you that socially i was a wreck. however I always managed to find a few friends. I, and I am sure you too, have some very intense interests. So do some non-aspies (not that I knew I was one at the time) My freinds were always those who were as intense about a subject as I am. For me it was music and horses. I wasn't in band, but I hung out with the kids that were because we shared a strong interest and could always connect based on that. They actually found my oddities endearing and were quite protective of me socially, quite often I was able to party with them because I felt safe under one of thier wings. So maybe look at some of your most intense interests and find people who share them. You may find they are quite willing to accept your differences simply because you can understand theirs.

This practice actually led to my marriage in a way as I found someone as crazy about music as I am, once we connected on that level we found we had much else in common. It also helped that he was one of those rare men who can be masculine, and a nice guy at the same time (also a bit of a nerd, but then, I like nerds and am a bit of one myself). We both love music, play online rpgs, have to have our own computers or we would kill each other, and love the same tv shows. (House, Heroes, Pretender, Smallville, etc)

I hope this helps some. oh, and another thing, learn a style of social dance, I learned Salsa and stuck with partying in Salsa clubs where I could at least dance the style, and you don't have to talk to someone to dance with them, especially if the style is cultural and you don't speak the language to well

Casidhe

Making friends is hard, but it's not that big of a deal. I've been in college for basically a month now and I have made more friends than I ever did in highschool. Now finding girls is near impossible, but that's another story. With girls I always tend to mess up, say the wrong thing, say a stupid joke, heck even send them a message with a title from something else. in other words I've gotten ignored by females. With friends though it's really hard, but find people who understand you.

any more advice? this is really driving me nuts! i usually spend a few hours each day thinking about how pathetic i'll be in the future if i dont improve my social skills or make friends this new year. its so unbearable. i know i have to put myself out there, but i have no idea what kind of friends i should look for. i often think about the humiliation i'll haev to deal with if i try to make friends with the 'wrong' types of people

Hey I think I fit almost perfectly into your category - no friends at school, lots of friends at college.

I'm a girl though, and not really interested in the whole "hooking up" side of college so I can't really help you there.

um...

It's hard to explain. I think being bright, positive, outgoing, and really friendly to everyone really helped me. It's amazing the sort of reaction you can get from people just for being really nice to them. It can make them overlook your aspergery traits, and irritation. Pretty much I found that meal times were a really good time to make friends.

Confidence is the key.

First, I always tried to sit with lots of different people at meal times, and broke the ice and awkwardness and all that by just being honest (which most people find endearing). "Hi, I'm Caitlin, I like to get to know new people. What are your names? Which floor are you guys from?" (big smile - always use big smiles, try to hide nervousness and appear confident). At first they will be awkward around you, but eventually they will get used to your presence and start to chat amongst themselves again. This is probably the pivotal point. They will either be weirded out, or will think, hey that's an interesting person I'd like to get to know them better. People tend to get weirded out if you show any signs of insecurity. Any at all. You have to act as if you're ultra confident, ultra comfortable around people and they will assume you're a cool guy with lots of friends. It always helps to ask them questions about themselves, get a convo going, and contribute to the conversation while not dominating it. Always act positive, friendly, and happy and it will smooth over any weirdness and people will be drawn to you.
*If, during the time you sat with them, anyone mentioned anything important to them they were going to do, or was going to happen soon, REMEMBER IT. eg. Tim says that he is worried about a major exam he is going to sit tomorrow.

Then, if you succeed, memorize the names of the people you were sitting with and then sit with them again - maybe not the next night, as that is a bit soon (you don't want to appear clingy) -unless they seek you out and invite you to sit with them - in that case, go for it!- yeah, sit with them again after maybe 3 nights or so, you know say something like "Hey guys, what's up? Assignments have been total hell this week, yeah?" Once again, break the ice with something fairly generalized (IMPORTANT: At first talk about things that affect college students as a group, talk about stuff that is relevant to all of you, and will increase bonding between you as "fellow university students" or "fellow college students" or whatnot. Whatever you do, don't intrude on intimate topics for them (that are only in their group circle), or topics that only relevant to you (which will only alienate you from them)).
* FOLLOW UP with any events that people mentioned last time you sat with them, and ask how they went. eg. "So how did your exam go Tim?" People take this as a sign that you're interested in their lives, and warm to you.

By this stage, you will be included as a person the group likes to sit with, but still not "of" the group. By this stage you will have figured out if these are the friends for you. If they're really different people, and you're not sure they're right, DON'T JUST DROP THEM. Always keep them as acquaintances, make sure you're friendly to them, and say hi whenever you see them. Sit with them occasionally. The more acquaintances you have, the more people will like you and think well of you, and the better reputation you will have in college, which makes it easier to make friends.

If this group fits you like a glove, then remember that getting in the group (being a fully fledged member) is always hard, and takes patience and time. One thing you can do is to ask people to your room, hold gatherings like - everyone come and drink in my room tonight! That is a great way to integrate yourself. I started having "tea parties" where people would come to my room and we'd sit and chat with cups of tea. This worked a treat for me for several reasons:

a. It was new and original, and of course, this made people want to come.

b. Giving people drinks (even tea) makes people like you.

c. Everyone wants to be invited and included, and people will be friendly to you in the hopes that you'll ask them up.

d. It started a tradition, and the people who came the first time, and bonded, become a friendship group in themselves (of course with you included as you are necessarily central to the group being the one who controls the meeting place).

Yeah, I've been talking for ages so I think I'll stop. But these are all the things that helped me. Of course, it's always important to follow your instincts, and things like place, the types of people, moods of everyone involved, gender, etc will always be uncontrolled variables in the situation. The best thing to do in all circumstances is to act positive and friendly and confident to everybody you meet.

Gosh, I might post this up as a topic in itself.

The only thing I've ever managed to do which attracted an ounce of support and encouragement from strangers was drawing cartoons. I used standard A4 printer paper and a thick nib black felt pen. There's no perfect technique in cartoons and sometimes the slap-dash ones are really good - I think anyone can find some kind of a style with a little practice. Cartoons were a good way of expressing my life by exaggerating it.

Cartoons didn't switch on a social life or anything like that. What cartoons did was represent me (which no professional or anyone else was doing at the time). They sort of dispersed too as photocopies and one ended up on someone's T-Shirt.

I tell myself that when (if) I ever finish my course at college I will make more time for cartoons.

I hang out with a lot of foreign people, work in the school ESL lab as an English/math/computer assistant, and will almost certainly move to one foreign country or another permanently. (I have in mind: mainland China, Taiwan or Thailand ... places where you are welcomed and not ridiculed for being 'white and nerdy'.)

Xenophilia works very reliably for me.

A science fiction/gaming club worked for me. Also, if there is some kind of online community at your school (chatrooms, livejournal, other blog, forums, etc.), use that to meet people. That way you end up talking to them and getting to know them some before they can meet you and decide that you are just "weird". They still might decide that, but they'll have other information too.