gods what else can happen that i can't possibly handle?

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first of all, unemployed & living off of disability and leeching off of friends, which is making me paranoid. secondly, it's HARD for me to get out and look for a job, because i'm agoraphobic-mostly due to sensory overload. to put the cherry on the unemployment sundae, i've relocated to michigan...which has the highest rate of unemployment in the nation.

so i was already stressed when severe chest, back, neck, jaw and left arm pain woke me up saturday morning. i dithered about calling the ER-called my narcissistic MOTHER of all people, because A) she's had heart trouble and so has my father and so has half of her family and B) she can usually be counted on to tell me i'm exaggerating, giving in to things, that i go to the doctor so much they're all laughing at me behind my back...in other words, i wanted my mommy to tell me i was alright except i knew i wasn't all right. and when she told me to drink some water and i'd feel better-and i almost threw up-she freaked and told me to hang up and dial 911.

two days in the hospital revealed no blockages, but that i respond beautifully to nitroglycerin. the presumptive diagnosis is coronary artery spasm angina...factoring in the "when" (happens at rest) and the fact that it's happened before at the same time, just milder so i didn't know it, it's probably "variant" angina...though it could be "unstable" angina ( THAT would fit) because it has worsened, and does occur at other times. I'M 38 YEARS OLD!! !

the heart cateterization has (most likely temporarily) damaged my femoral nerve...feels as if i've sprained my entire right leg, if you can imagine, there is "marked numbness" and i have less than half the strength in that leg that i do in the other. this makes walking interesting.

this is too much. i have problems with people, and doctors are harder than regular people. also, i was conditioned by my mother that it was shameful and embarrassing for ME to seek medical help, and i have her yammering in my head even when i'm not dumb enough to call her. earlier this year i delayed getting an ear infection seen about-by the time i got around to it some of my middle ear tissue had necrotized...still up for grabs how much of the hearing loss is reversible. i don't know why she did that and continues to do that to me-she doesn't have that attitude about anyone else's health. to a much lesser degree she harps at my brother when he complains about his chronic pain-but mostly it's his attitude about his health, that he's whining or something. me, she's always told i was faking, trying to get attention whatever...bewildering. when i was sick as a child, if i got out of bed i had to stay out, because that proved i wasn't sick. if i stayed in bed, she harangued me about "giving in to it"..."you're just weak. you'll never be able to handle a job if you fold under the slightest little thing..." "you're a quitter. you disgust me..."

so i have money trouble, and no way out i can see. i need counseling, but i can't find a local mental health center that will take my insurance without charging me a co-pay or a deductible i can't afford. i worry that my roommates are going to get tired of me just hanging out, helping out with groceries but nothing else. i worry that they are already tired of me, and are making plans to...i don't know. i'm anxious and mildly paranoid in mood, but it really doesn't get concrete. and now this. due to my social awkwardness, my mother's weird conditioning, and some bad experiences with the medical profession a serious health problem is, for me, more serious. i don't know how to "become a partner in your health!" like the shiny happy brochure they sent home from the hospital with me told me to.

in 2005 a friend of mine died because the people at the hospital assumed his pain was in his head, or that he was drug-seeking. he had a mood disorder, and was a recover(ed)ing alcoholic-hadn't drunk anything in three years, though. he'd had an appendectomy at THEIR hospital, they admitted to screwing up while inserting the breathing tube...yet when he came back to their ER repeatedly during the three weeks before he died, they asked him if he was suicidal, told him they would NOT prescribe pain pills, asked him when his next psych appointment was...he died of massive sepsis at the age of 29. i've gone into ERs with seizures and not been treated for them once i told them the meds i was on-klonopin for anxiety, lithium for bipolar-because they assumed i was unstable, acting out, attention-seeking or whatever. THIS DOES NOT HELP.

when a doctor asks you if you're in pain, it does not help if you tell them to give you a minute, you weren't paying attention to your body. it just makes you look weird, high, or like you're being facetious. i got away with that the other day because they'd given me morphine and were expecting me to be loopy-i WAS high. but i'm prone to responses that seem "off" to most of the population, especially under stress. not to mention i have a tendency to go into "deer in the headlights" mode and just sit there and blink like a crocodile or something. the situations i have mentioned MUST be handled-yet i see no way to.

i will NOT hurt myself...it is not that i want to die, but i do NOT want to live like this and seem unable to make any changes. i'm terribly stuck and badly frightened...

gee...am i posting in the wrong place? does my post need a stronger deodorant? i don't see how i could have offended anyone with that post...was it just boring?

i'm actually serious. i posted about serious problems in my actual life. if it's just coincidence and no one's noticed, excuse my paranoia. but i've picked up a strange little pm troll from posting in the haven and i have to wonder...so, it could be coincidence. or my troll could be responsible. or i phrased it badly?

I hope you won't go through with any suicidal thoughts because that will not fix things
how to help you...
maybe borrow some books on agoraphobia from the library and use the advice they provide
i am sure your friends will do what they can to help you,
are there mental health places in the next town maybe, or maybe a local charity even, there are programs designed to help people find work.
that mother of yours has made things worse, you cannot let that destroy you.

re: suicidal thoughts. they're there, but NO, not acting on them. not an option. long story, but in 2000 something rather magical happened, something i see as (may sound hokey) angelic intervention, that taught me i just don't have that right. i certainly understand those who do act on those thoughts, and i did in the past. but...i no longer have the right.

library is sooo far away...but i have an online Questia account...maybe there's some books in their online library?

next town is quite a distance...kalamazoo is large, area-wise. but...although i'm not catholic, right up the road (walking distance) is catholic family services. i know they do counseling, i don't know about payment, or if i have to be catholic...don't think i do. i can at least call.

my mother specializes in making things worse. for whatever reason-most likely an expression of her own self-hatred-she quite simply hates me. i'm going through the pain of really, really realizing that...when i come through the other side of that grief things will...i should think?...probably get better.

on the upside: i've now been on the nitroglycerine and other meds for several days. the nitro does give me headaches, and they're intense-but don't last all that long. AND: i've got more energy than i can remember having for years, and my thinking seems to be clearing up. interestingly, i haven't had hideous nightmares the last two nights...perhaps they, like the lack of energy and fuzzyheadedness, were a symptom of oxygen deprivation due to coronary artery spasm? oh, i'm sure i'll still have the occasional nightmare...but i've been running a nightly horror flick cinema in my head for months now...

No, just had not found your post. While the diagnosis may be terrifying, consider the alternative of continuing to not know... you've got tremendous challenges dealing with the doctors and setting; have you talked with them about anxiety medications? Not my first choice, but given the situation it may provide the emotional stabilization to help your physical process. The obstacles created through your experience with your mother have a resonance of being a key element of your internal stresses... perhaps addressing those would create some space for peace and allow you to relax? Heart issues run in half my family, so your concern echoes with me... hope today is improving for you, and that you'll share more; for me, it can take time to compose my thoughts internally before getting them on the screen. Take care.


M.

most libraries now have home delivery at no charge for people who can't make it due to medical ect. reasons...doesn't hurt to call and ask

contact united way about mental health services and also find out if there are any clubhouses in your area. these are mostly run by the people who suffer mental illnesses themselves and often have at least one paid staff that can be sort of like a social worker and help you find resourses...they are also a great place to meet people, often have cheap meals served, and one of their biggest goals is usually to help people who want to work but are having difficulty finding or keeping jobs due to thier illness

i myself am having huge problems right now and there seems to be few solutions...i feel like i am beating my head against a wall and getting nowhere...i am getting really depressed...the thing we have to avoid is saying "there is nothing i can do or change to make my life better so i'm just going to wait for things to change." there are always things we can do and choices we have...if we keep doing the same things we will get the same results. somedays we have to push ourselves harder than other days but we must always push forward or we will get nowhere...

united way...good lord, i'm an idiot. that's what i need, to try to touch base with some gateway organization that can help me jump through the hoops of getting re-established as a disabled person looking for health care, assistance and a JOB in a new city & state...i've just gotten functionally fixed. i tell myself each day that maybe the next day i'll feel like doing what i couldn't do today...and call that optimism. i think it might just be my way of talking myself into not facing the fear.

not all movement is progress. but staying static guarantees no progress. i bought myself a couple of notebooks today-yep, actually left the house. on foot, i didn't dare the bus, but i did leave. the notebooks are so i can make plans. yes, i obviously have a computer, and i write in the word processing program. i write rather a lot, actually. but there's something about the immediacy of pen & paper...everything does suck. truly. but the landscape is shifting, at least...