LOST-with no good reason to be

Post Reply New Topic

Ok- I am a special needs teacher with a 8y0 Asp diagnosed son. He is just having such a hard time. He is lazy and lies(admittedly!) and is now once again refusing to write esp if "he already did it " or if he doesn't agree i.e write about your favorite sport- he says "I don't like sports-end of discussion". All of my tricks used with my students work somewhat at home but his aid in the class is being faded out(MY bright idea) and he is lost with a battle axe "old school" teacher that his various therapists(TRUSTED) thought would be the best match to keep him in line and with the program-his desk is a sea of pokemon drawings and crumpled papers. He is exhausted and chewing his shirt and back to spinning in circles on bad days.

If we were not in an avalanche of debt and had two other kids I would homeschool- the guilt is tremendous and my spouse makes snarky comments weekly. I also work for the district my son is in. The pro's are instant and helpful support with my child(my team is always cheering for his success) the con's are more subtle- as in hey she is so great with her students and her son is still melting down in the second grade type of comments. My supervisor thought I would make a wonderful behaviorist and wants me to model lessons for other teachers and yet my cell phone is screaming with text messages from my husband about how my son was defiant disorganized and belligerent in school. The only meds he is on is tennex for ADD?HD symptoms(all other meds tried sparked horrid dreams and rapid heart beat). The e/o month psychiatrist says "aha, yeah" and writes him another script for tennex each month-totally ridiculous but looking back he is "better " on the tennex. The last evaluator said, in a shocked voice" he is on meds??". BLAHHH! ANy advice?- I am not thin skinned and am feeling exhausted by expert opinion and my training in this field. I worry about where this is going. FYI tried Neuropsychology/developmental pediatrician/ ALL Classess of ADHD MEDS/ fish oil/brushing/ joint compression/private OT/music(HE NOW HATES ALL CLASSICAL MUSIC but loves Bob Marley "Three Little Birds"-go figure...

Well, I guess the first thing to do would be to more precisely define the problem. For example, he is apparently "defiant, disorganized, and belligerent in school." This could mean any one of a dozen things.

For example, when I was in school my teachers told me the common lie that 'there is no stupid question, feel free to ask me anything at anytime.' They never mean that. Unfortunately, I stupidly believed them and asked any question I wanted the answer to whenever I had a question. Apparently this was considered 'rude and disruptive'. The situation may not be the same with your son, but its entirely possible that what the school claims is bad behavior is nothing more then your child misunderstanding things, and the school assuming the worst. If this is the case, simply clarifying to your son what needs to be done in more concrete, non-vague, terms will smooth things out.

I know that when I was young I got in constant trouble because I thought for myself rather then mindlessly following orders. They gave me a paper and a pencil, then got mad when I drew a dog when we were supposed to be drawing landscapes. Why in the world does it matter what I draw? Its art class, as I was told by the teacher the entire point is to have fun and draw something you enjoy. Yet rather then saying 'O, thats a nice dog you drew' they yelled at me for being uncooperative. The fact your son thinks for himself rather then doing what others say simply because they are a teacher is commendable. To many people want children to be mindless drones following orders.

If you want him to be interested in a topic, then give him a reason to be interested. Forcing a child to learn something via threat isnt very effective for long term comprehension. And giving him rewards for learning only works long enough for him to memorize it, pass the test, and get the treat. He wont actually bother remembering it, or know much about it other then the bare minimum required to get the reward.

You know, I see this a lot with parents and teachers on here nowadays. Its like the person above me(hopefully!) said, you cant make us follow you. In other words, we dont just go with the flow, we dont join the pack. We do our own thing.

The problem with this is only in the area of control. Its the fact you cannot control us like you would like, that we dont follow every order the way you think we should. Honestly, its really disturbing that our school system hasnt DEVOLVED yet, back into the age of philosophy. Back into the days of the socratic method and apprenticeships.

Kids should not be lumped into a big group(especially autistic spectrum ones) and forced to learn the same things. Its ridiculous. I understand that america(and many other countries) want thier children to have a wide variety of basic skills but it defeats the point of mastering something. All you're teaching these kids to do is be confused. To have no sense of direction or purpose. We say "you can be anything you want to be" and then just feed them this generalized garbage.

The teachers that reached me, and most of my nt peers, were the ones who did things differently. You have to intrest us before we'll want to learn it. Show us how it fits into our world, our destiny, not just say "you need to know this".

And as for your spouse, that person is horrible. How about get involved with your childs life instead of just disrespecting it? The kid is 8, you parents are ridiculous, same with teachers. Not every kid follows the single file line, some wander off. Some hate the system thats in place cause it doesnt work for them. Make exceptions and learn that no 2 people in general are exactly alike. You cant standardize education, it has to match the student. And that goes for everything a person can learn, not just "schooling".

As the great Mark Twain once said "I never let my schooling get in the way of my education!"
Maybe you need to learn the education your child wants?????

although i know it's difficult from experience, you have to stop beating yourself up. I, too, am a special educator. My son has problems. Your son has problems. Some days will be good, some will be bad. It doesn't help to beat yourself up everytime he has an issue. I used to feel like a failure because I couldn't make my son's behaviors come into line, disappear.....couldn't control him....................I had to take a few steps back & try to look at my son's issues objectively. It's so hard to do this. After all, he is your son & being objective about a loved one isn't always easy. Have you consulted with other trusted coworkers about any ideas they might have ? If you've indeed pinpointed that the main issue these days is the changing of staff & defiance/belligerance, then maybe it's worth going over the rules, expectations & consequences again.....i know you've probably gone over them a million times, but i'd do it again. stick to the rules, expectations, consequences.....but also give him the hope that he has a valid opinion- that he has the ability to make things better for himself- that there is a goal he can set for himself that is achievable.
For my son, his belligerance seems to increase when he feels out of control- like there's nothing about the situation that he can control. he'll dig his heels in & make things so much harder for himself. the key for us has been helping him to see that he has options- that in most situations, there are elements that he can control in a positive way.

Thanks for your perspectives. Please note I am not out to create a mindless drone-the idea is ridiculous considering our anything but NT family. The beligerence and disruptive behavior come from my sons daily challenging of the routines and authorities of life. I just wish he could see that when asked to write about sports that he could let his teacher know in a respectful way that he does not like sports and not have it end up with him crumpling up papers and speaking to the assistant principal in the hallway. If you want respect you have to show respect is something I believe in. He could have written why he does not like sports-use all of that arguing ability to his advantage. Maybe this will grow with maturity-and hopefully the ability to better control his frustrations which can be set off by a fire drill of a missing paper. We are working on the idea that there are things you HAVE to do to do the things you WANT to do in life. The world isn't going to bow to your every idio-I think that is what my quirky husband is trying to hammer home and why he thinks our son should have to be made to face this fact or be homeschooled with no complaining, either way, from me! Again the black or white thinking-exactly why my son seems to be having trouble.
Thanks again for your comments.

if he already did it, he may not see it as fair to do it again.

As for not writing about what he's interested in, I wonder if he was ever told something like "you need to write about what you're interested, not what your not" which is somewhat common advice to give when allowing children to begin chosing their own topic. Being as you are a sp ed teacher, i imagine you already tried to get him to write about sports by using a topic he's interested in - ie have him write about pokemon's playing a baseball game. Can't guarantee the teacher will like it, but if he refuses to write about the topic, have him write about something else in turn it in. At least then she gets work from him and knows he isn't doing it because he's not capable of doing it

It reminds me a little of one time when i was a toddler - somewhere between 3 and 6 and got in trouble for coloring on the wall. I stood in the kitchen doorway asking my mom if there was anything else i could do to help clean up, while i had my hand off to the side coloring on the wall. When she discovered it she yelled that i was never allowed to help clean up again. So for the next several years I was very angry when i was made to clean up because i knew it was something I wasn't allowed to do. Your son could be angry at being given a topic to write about that he's not interested in after someone told him he should never write about what he's not interested in

it sounds like your hubby & you seem to agree that there's a problem, but it also seems that your hubby expects you to fix it- expects that he doesn't have to have the same commitment to actively work to fix the situation....you both need to be on the same page with things or your son will sense that you're conflicted......when my hubby put everything in my lap, so to speak, the problems just never seemed to get resolved......when hubby took an active role in helping to solve the issues, son finally stepped up & slowly started to work on his issues.