Unholy Desire

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I cannot stand having to relive every horrible thing that has ever happened in my life. There is not one day that has gone by in the past ten years that I have not felt a great anger boil in my heart at my mistreatment, abused and neglect. It would hurt less to have my eye sucked out of my eye sockets and smashed between a hammer and a cement block. Day by day my trust in others had dissolved to nothingness. Slowly over the years I have begun to desire vengeance for what they have done to me. Slowly murdering them has started to become appealing to me when I am angry. When my anger boils and rages if one of them who hurt me so badly showed themselves I would kill them just for the sake of revenge. People have said the pain will go away on its own it has not it has only deepened and spread. Some have said I need to talk about it that I would feel better yet it has not done just that. Some have said that I am unbalanced and they are right but they made me this way they made that monster in my heart.


Why is abuse and neglect tolerated so much when the victim has aspeger's syndrome??

I'm not gonna lie, I have moments where I want to get even with my tormentors, granted this isn't on a daily basis. I'm really sorry that you're going through a rough time, it really isn't fair that people (usually) ignore any explanation we have to offer about what makes us different. Other people are just selfish when you get down to it.

we all get abusd and neglected as AS individuals.
we cant change this.
we can change how we chose to respond to it thou.
20 is a difficult age.
but your thoughts arent any diferent to mine at that age.

i grew out of it.
didnt kill too many people either.

I remember when I was little I wanted to be like Spock to have no emotion. I liked this idea because with no emotion their was no pain.

Dear philosopherBoi,


I hear your words and they could have come from my lips when I was your age.

You are right that people don't care if outsiders are abused, and you are right that being brutally maimed would be less painful.

But revenge won't help. I spent far too long obsessing about revenge, but neither obsession about glorious brutality against those who had greatly wronged me, nor the petty viciousness I showed to those who were convenient did me any good. And I should note that they frequently did me harm socially. I was an angry, scary person who was universally avoided.

What helped me was therapy. I don't know if you have seen a therapist or not, and many therapists don't know how to work with AS. You need help with self-esteem and anger, and you have already made the first step in helping yourself.

You want your life to change. You want things to be better. It will take hard work on your part, but you can make your life better.

Good luck, and I am


Your friend,

Ikari Gendo