Important Qualities in Aspies' Significant Others

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For those of you who have found significant others, what qualities did you find that you liked about them? What qualities did they like about you? Where and how did you meet?

Wow. I can't believe no one responded to your question!
My hubby is like the complete opposite of me. We met in high school just before he enlisted in the US Navy. He joined up; I went off to college. We wrote, visited, talked by phone for two years. I dropped out of college and we got married.

What did I like about him... Well, he is very social. He LIKES talking on the phone and dealing with unpleasant customer service issues, so he handles all that stuff for me! He likes to feel "protective" of me, not just physically (he's 6'2" and I'm 5'5") but socially and economically as well. He was very happy to be the sole breadwinner and let me be a stay-at-home-mom for these past 22 years. Um... he's great in bed. But I didn't know that until after we were married. Oh yeah, and he was willing to wait until after we were married... that showed a lot of respect. We were probably the only couple in our whole graduating class who actually had the right to get married in white (he wore his Navy whites; I wore a white gown). He was independent and a "color outside the lines" kind of person, which I so totally wasn't! but LIKE ME, he wasn't one to give in to peer pressure. He respected and accepted me.

What he liked about me... I've heard him tell other people he was attracted to the fact that I was intelligent but not conceited about it. That I didn't like to show off and didn't put him down because he wasn't the brightest kid in class (he is actually quite intelligent - hides it well - classic underachiever). I didn't make him feel bad for his "underachiever" status and he didn't make me feel weird for my "overachiever" status. He also always said I was the first girl he ever dated who wasn't "phony" - I didn't wear make-up or the latest fad in clothing - and he had never felt "real hair" before (no hair spray)!
I respected and accepted him.

We have our difficulties and conflicts, and there have been times I have contemplated murder (just kidding!) but overall, he's a great husband, great lover, great provider, and accepts me exactly the way I am.

After living with somebody who was like me for a while, in that he was very honest, and straightforward, and a little confused socially, I have the opinion now that it would maybe be benificial to be with somebody who was not like me.
I found that in a way, that it was sometimes a negative. We would spend a lot of time together, doing "nothing" , because we were so comfortable with each other, and nothing would be accomplished. This may sound somewhat strange, but I believe that in a relationship it is important to have some aspect of challenge or friction.
It's nice to be around someone that you are comfortable with, but it's important the other person can be someone that you can learn from, and be inspired by as well!

I never dated before (and probably never will), but if I were to get married, the requirements would be:
1. The ol' race/religion compatibility thang. He has to be Asian-American and Christian. If he's just one or neither, then we probably will not get along in marriage. Oh and he has to be vegan/vegetarian, Radical, and childfree.
2. He has to be under 5'6", I am Radical Feminist and do not want to be trapped in a house with a male who can overpower myself.
3. No men in high powered jobs. Again, I do not want a man who is stronger than myself in any way as that feels threatening to my RadFem self.
4. Gotta be nice
That's about it. Oh, and he has to like me too.
But I'm probably never going to marry or start dating so oh well.

I'm surprised there aren't more responses to this discussion! It's a fascinating topic - one which is probably pertinent to most.

I've had a variety of relationships with very different types of women.

The types that did NOT work:
- insecurity, either hers or mine, was enough to ruin an otherwise good relationship. Insecurity has its basis in other things, and usually means some serious baggage that needs to be dealt with before a quality relathionship can be had.

- Drama queens - I quickly lost respect for this type of woman, and it showed, leading to a quickly degenerating relationship.

- Lazy people - same a drama queens. I lost respect and could no longer like them. I guess working at things with obsessive focus always came so easy to me that I couldn't accept someone who was so different in that respect.

Types that did work:
My best relationships were with women whose parent/parents were scientists or engineers. They had a better intuitive sense of how to deal with and love a geek like me!

Sensitive to others needs - in order to be with me, women had to be sensitive to my needs (and I theirs). For example, I have a number of hobbies, like bicycle racing, that take me out of the house for several hours a day, all year long. Plus it takes me away every weekend from March through September. It takes a special woman to not only accept but embrace this lifestyle.
In return, I encourage them to pursue their dreams and support them fully.

A sense of humor - ok, my sense of humor is seriously lacking, though I can act like a silly little boy. But for me, it helps if my partner can help me poke fun of myself and the world around me. It opens up a new world to me and helps me to understand how NTs interact. She taught me that a joke about you doesn't have to be an insult. But she also has to be sensitive enough to know when she's stepping over the line from funny to hurtful.

Shared cullinary desires! My wife and I love to eat ethnic food, and do so several times a week. If one of us liked bland food, it would truly be a problem for the relationship.

Ability to make the other person feel special. Maybe the most important characteristic. If your partner routinely points out your good traits and makes you feel that you are truly special to them, then it is very difficult for you to get hurt or jealous. I try to make a concsious effort to tell my wife, every night before bed, that I love her and that she is the most wonderful woman I've ever known.

Actually, for those who ask about how one can pick up a person, I found that when you distill down all the BS, (healthy) people ultimately are attracted to those who make them feel good about themselves. Make them feel special. And mean it! This is a powerful tool, not to be abused!

Last edited by Astro on 09 Jan 2005, 9:49 am, edited 2 times in total.

sigh.

oh, astro, i nearly cried reading this. and you've already been snapped up! bugger! hardly surprising, though...

I want someone extremely easy going. That's all.

Thanks. We should have met in a previous life!

For me, it's easy, because she is truly a wonderful and unique individual - the perfect match for someone like me. She rates at the far other end of the empathy scale, so when I, or her son, is in one of our moods, rather than get mad at us, she makes us laugh at ourselves or just gives us our space. That's something noone ever did for me before. "normal" people make me feel guilty for having moods.

You just described my husband.

hmmm...qualities...?

how about...

a pulse?

good start, eh?

Hm-would you marry a man you didn't trust absolutely? And if you did trust him absolutely, would you still be uncomfortable with him being stronger than you?

We met through a mutual friend. The story is long, but we lived on opposite sides of the state and anytime the other person moved, the other did too the same year. We finally hooked up when he came to my city, with our mutual friend, to do a drink and golf weekend. We moved in together 3 days later (technically speaking, although it was officially after three months).

Why he likes me: 1) According to him I am hot, but I have not idea what makes one person good looking over another, so he could be lying, 2) I am smart and know a lot about all kinds of things, but I don't come off as a know-it-all, 3) I am funny, although I can't tell a joke to save my life, I am clumsy and I love to laugh, so I have a good sense of humor...my comedy is physical in nature; 4) he likes my AS traits, b/c they make me unique and I think he finds them entertaining...although he hates my rages; and 5) I like pretty much the same music, t.v., and movies...although my tastes tend to run to the extreme of hard to find, foreign and obscure titles.

Why I like him: 1) I think he is handsome; and he is hilarious, always making me laugh; 2) he is athletic; 3) he is intelligent and likes to discuss all sorts of topics, like economics, agriculture, mathematics, music, sports and anything I think of; 4) he is outgoing and has a lot of friends, but is fine with me being the way I am; 5) he is a hard worker; 6) he is compassionate towards me and all of my challenges and 7) he is an excellent father.

I always looked for someone who is funny, b/c my Dad was very funny and also both of my brothers are funny, so I can't live without the funny. That is way too many times to say that word. I also need someone who is as or more intelligent that me. That is very important, b/c I need to be constantly intellectually stimulated or I am a bored wreck.

The most important thing is that we have FUN together. We love hanging out together. Don't get me wrong, he hangs out with his buddies still, but he and I have our own kind of fun. I knew I was in love with him when I looked forward to alone time with just him and knew I was going to have a good time. In my previous relationships, I didn't want to hang out with my SO unless other people were there, because we have never had any fun alone.

Tallgirl