Letting Go of Past Grudges

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Do any of you have trouble letting go of grudges against people and things that have happened to you in the past? I feel I've been deeply scarred by many people and things, such as my own family, the media, people online, and so forth, and I constantly suffer intrusive thoughts about these that I absolutely can't get out of my head.

Speaking of which, I'm actually thinking about seeing a therapist again, albeit a different one, since my past one didn't diagnose me with anything, but instead prescribed medicine based on what I told him. What does it require for me to get an official diagnosis of a certain condition? I strongly suspect OCD, since intrusive thoughts are part of it.

I held grudges against my brothers when I was a kid and I couldn't get over it till I got back at them.

When I was little I could let things go when the next day came because it was always a new day but as I got older, my hormones changed so it was harder to let things go. I was afraid of these kids in my school for a while because they made fun of me when I was in third grade, so I wanted to stay away from them so they couldn't make fun of me and ridicule. I was still mad about my childhood and being bullied when I was in my teens. I would think I was over it but every time something reminded me of the past, all those feelings would come back so I wouldn't be over it all over again. My mother told me I was not over it, the feelings were just buried in me and they come back when something happens that triggers it.

Now I can let things go easily by not letting it get to me but sometimes I still struggle. If I get real paranoid, then it makes it real hard to not worry about it so it bothers me.

Last time I held one was maybe this summer when someone called me a yuppie or hipster or both, I don't remember which. It was scary because I don't know where he got that from. Was my enemy spreading lies about me through PMs? Did I do something wrong? All these thoughts going through my head. Took me three days to get over it. One of my online friends had to help. No we didn't get even with him. Just resolved it.

I know exactly how you feel. I still hold grudges about stuff that happened as early as when I was 3 years old. Just about my oldest memory actually... I know this is irrational, but that doesnt make it any easier for me to let it go.

I also have trouble letting go of grudges, as well. I've been holding on to grudges against my peers who picked on me, or ignored me in elementary/high school. I've also been holding on to a grudge for a couple of years, now. A grudge against what another member did to me. I was really good friends with a man who was in my college programme. He turned on me in May, back in the early-mid nineties. I was holding a grudge against him, until I've moved into my apartment. The grudges that I've been holding against my peers, have been putting a damper on my first weeks of January. I've just got to tell myself that those people are no longer in my life, and they can't jerk me around or bully me, anymore. As for some member who turned against me, I should let that go as well. Once I let that go, I'll be able to get back into the Cockney Spirit, and my avatars will start reflecting that. The last time I was really in the Cockney Spirit, was in the November of 2006. It's hard to welcome in January, without Cockney Spirit.

I never let go of grudges. mainly because I want to remember so they will never screw with me like that again.

You know the saying: fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

I have too much repsect for myself to allow someone to screw with me a second time.

You can still remember things without holding a grudge against it. Not allowing someone to hurt you again doesn't mean you are holding one.

I never let go of grudges.

If someone wrongs me, I will not rest until I have repayed them for their 'kindness'. It is not a pleasant thing to have hovering over you. Letting go of the past is hard, since by doing so I'd have to let go of my grudges too.

I hold grudges against many people. My teachers in primary school, people in my class, people who have bullied or harassed me.

Last edited by FieryGatoh on 04 Jan 2009, 2:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

Amen to that. I will never ever let my guard down for anyone ever ever again. It is naive and stupid, and will only lead to me getting hurt by that person or someone else who sees that opportunity. To NTs this sounds paranoid, but I've tried and tested this many times. I send off social cues that say, "hurt me", when I want to ease up on a grudge. There is no point whatsoever in letting it go, I just have to occupy my time in other ways and not obsess, and then learn not to get into conflicts as best as I can, as well as not get taken advantage of by people. No No No.

It's part of my ongoing healing. I make an effort to not hold a grudge, and then I'll find myself thinking about someone (usually an ex-supervisor) and getting angry at the way they treated me. Then I feel silly. These people are long since gone out of my life, and unable to harm me, yet I get that childish urge to want to hurt them.
That's where I think the difference is. Keeping your guard up is a wise thing to do, but brooding over past hurts doesn't help you whatsoever.

You know, I have always been the queen of holding grudges and the queen of not letting things go. But over time, I have realized it is me who was suffering, not the ones who did me wrong. Have I forgotten about those who have harmed me? I never will but I also know that they have their own to answer to, in time. They are not worth your power!! !

Yes. Unfortunately, these grudges diminish only after the person I hold the grudge against has died.

Then again, most of the grudges are the result of having been attacked, humiliate, or insulted, and the lack of any remorse or regret on the part of my attackers.

no I don't


its unhealthy

i will not let's past grudge. People deserve to be hatred. Peoples bullying each day at school. I'm in a sort of "Mental Prison" now

I actually let go of my past and some of my past actions in my sophomore year at Mason. I felt the time was right for it because remaining in the past does not help you go forward in life.

its really hard but holding grudges hurts me more than it hurts the person. i become bitter and depressed and defensive so just try to let go...it doesnt mean what he or she did was ok but just know that ur still a good person and strive to do the right thing and at the same time take time for yourself

holding onto grudges is definitely my worst problem. trying to forgive people is hard. i'm doing ok with my acquaintances but currently have no friends and most of the time that works.

it's because i don't want to get hurt and would rather have no friends than be hurt again. so i'm pushing people away. i've learned to do it in a socially acceptable way and may have gotten too good at it.

sadly NTs seem more comfortable with me and the way i'm handling my social interactions now. i try to be pleasant and totally non-demanding and send cues that i'd like the same in return. before, in the past, my intent was confusing to NTs. now it is crystal clear to them. NTs understand that. don't ask me why. but they understand and respect it. no problem. and i don't get the feeling that they want to hurt me. apparently i'm not acting vulnerable or weird or obnoxious or needy or demanding or stupid or whatever it is that makes NTs want to hurt me. guess i'm not allowing an opening. and my boundaries are strong.

the problem is that i really do want friends....i just don't want to open up. and what i'm doing now is somewhat like selling my soul.....

nevertheless this selling my soul is preferable to being exposed.
it's just that it makes me sad.

sorry. this hasn't been very helpful.