I just want to function again

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Why couldn't things have stayed the way they were early last spring? Everything was looking optimistic and I didn't have enough symptoms of bipolar disorder for anyone (myself included) to notice. Then my performance dropped off in school, and at times I coudn't think cearly enough to drive. The bipolar symptoms also became strong enough to get diagnosed too. My shrink sucks and I can't seem to talk to him about anything deeper than the symptoms I am having. I've had to use manipulation to the point of constituting perjury to get what I need from him. I have to call suicidal ideation "a strong depressive episode" or risk getting labeled by the state. I think I have found a good shrink at one of the better hospitals in the country, but I'm going to have to probably fight the insurance company on that one. Hopefully the hospital will help (it's a huge hospital for all kinds of stuff, not just psychiatric). Even then, I need a way to tell them to disregard my previous psychiatric records because that will only confuse things, but in a way that won't get me busted for perjury possibly even at the federal level (long story). I'd love to talk about suicidal ideation and trust that it will be kept secret and run some conclusive tests to figure out just what meds I need. If I have to go off one of my current meds, the withdraw might land me in the hospital for a short stay. I'd have to make negotiations for that ahead of time, once again, no paper trail. Bringing my laptop and having a wi-fi connection would be the biggest point of negotiation. For the more immediate future, office visits seem like they wouldn't be enough, but outpatient stuff seems too extreme and would inerfere with school, at least on those days when I'm doing good enough to get stuff done at school anyways.

Anybody have any ideas/suggestions?

Sounds like you are paranoid.
Could one of your medications, or a combination of meds be taking you out of the game. I would first look at the drugs, maybe a detox.

You don't go deeper than symptom talk here either, and it makes it real hard to get a clear read on your state of mind. What I wonder is why the symptoms exist - and I don't mean a scientific explanation of bipolar. Do you think it's all chemical (ie if you had the right meds you'd be just fine) or are there situational/personal factors involved?

Reason I ask is to see if any of that could get solved, to ease up the situation while you're trying to get coverage for the new shrink. I would have thought a good shrink would understand about false psychiatric records, especially if they saw your tactics and the reasons for them in person. Surely you're not the first person to lie and manipulate shrinks in order to get what you want. Besides, there are so many variations among treatment approaches, and every psych has something they disapprove of, so it's fairly easy to see how the wrong kind of treatment could lead to the wrong results.

PM me if you like. Can't promise it'll do any good, but I can listen. As for trust, I can tell you I've had to choose before between reporting suicidal ideation, and keeping my word even though I didn't know if the person would follow through. It was someone I cared about far more than I do here yet. So if I didn't report it then, I'm not likely to now.

Yes, I have a tendancy to be paranoid. However, I also have alot of past experiences I'd rather forget where "experienced professionals" , made hasty decisions and assumptions about me, labeled me, and then got mad at me for not giving up and expecting less of myself, and not being grateful to them for all of this. I currently can't anticipate anything less from my current psychiatrist; especially considering how he seems more distant after I invoked informed consent over one of his decisions.

amen

Sounds like you need a good dose of "It could be worse.inc." Luckily, I can provide that. It could be worse, you could be letsgoblues.

Note, this isn't to make fun of Sean, I'm hoping he will have a fit of laughter from this and cheer up.


PS. Sean, you should get a sticker labeled "Paraniods THINK people are out to get them. I KNOW they are." just for the sake of having something like that.

That is a valid concern, and you're not the only one to experience it. My own shrink was all supportive of my decision to go on medication. She even suggested crap I never even heard of until then, like Abilify. But once I realized some of the huge drawbacks of meds, I decided against it and let her know. Her attitude changed after that. Then, she talks out of one side of her mouth saying I need to accept myself, but out of the other side is making me sound like a huge collection of crappy symptoms. Sheesh! If I wanted to feel like a walking DSM, I would have stayed with the ex who constantly harped on my "craziness."

I refuse to give up and stop trying just because someone with a PhD tried to stick a label on me.

Sean, what about a talk therapist who's worked with Aspies before (successfully)? Might be good to have someone there to be helping you to bring out the deeper conversation. The stuff that's really bothering you.

See if there's any cognitive-behavioral therapists (not just plain behavioral therapists) in your area. If there's none who are familiar with Aspies, at least find one who is very willing to learn and have patience with your AS qualities (some therapists aren't always so patient so it's good to make sure they're willing to learn).

From what he said, it doesn't seem like AS is the problem, though it probably isn't helping much. Sophist has a good point: find someone who is familiar with AS, but I would like to add that it might help if he/she is familiar with bipolar, as well, because that seems to be where a lot of the problem is coming from.

AS is not the main problem, but it's sure not helping in this instance. AS does cause communication breakdowns when dealing with counselors though. I can't seem to convey the problem well enough to get a useful dialogue going.

[quote][/quote]

I hope this is not out of format on the forum. But i would like to ask sean a question. I am more interrested in his response than any thing else. And i also do not mean to imply anything nor do i have any preconcieved judgements. I am only aiming to illicit a response that may illicit further insights which might serve to help.

During seans plea he made the following two points;

and,



Can you prove to me that there are no hidden agendas here and that the main topic is your only intent. Why should we believe you now?





Once again no accusations. I do not know of seans history, nor have i had the pleasure of getting to know him better, yet.

pyraxis help, i am having quoting problems again

There are no hidden agendas here. That is a welcome relief. I use the anonymity of the internet to tell the truth and find support in various people scattered to the ends of the earth. I strongly doubt any of them ever thought they knew everything. Well, there are more aspects and details, but I'm not writing a book. This is the most open and blunt I have been on the internet about the stuff I am hiding from people IRL. I want to fix evrything, but I need a very carefully planned and executed strategy in order to avoid defeating the purpose of seekng help. When someone is having a crappy time and has suicidal thoughts but is harmless to others, they are given the "danger to self or others" label, which is the same one given to mentally ill people who are predatory or otherwise violent. That could really hurt my ambitions that I would be getting help for so that I could acheive them.

in all earnest sean admitted,

Perhaps you have answered some of your own questions.
If you truly want to move forward and past your demons, you cannot get the help that you desire if the people who are trying to help (clinicians, ets...) do not have all the facts. That is up to you to take that leap of faith and trust that if you are honest (non manipulative) then they will be better served to offer you the correct next step.

I wish i had my old "information saying" available. it was off the cuff and a peak into my core beliefs. the current one is safer since it is a simple jest. But i do believe that honesty is a basic foundation which, if violated create a deluge of secondary ill-effects. Especially for us. It seems like it goes against one of our greates traits (core traits).

Think about what is right vs wrong and dismiss any reservations you may have. Because IF you truly want help, i see no other way. You MUST make it possible for the proffessionals to have all the tools they need, at their disposal, if they are to be successful.

I need to emphacize that i am NOT trained in the field of psychotherapy and i only offer advice based upon my own experiences or observations.

I know how we have been trained into being a little less than forthcoming, due to the fact that we have been, in the past, manipulated used and taken advantage of, because of our naive and trusting nature.

You are well within your rights to have reservation, because of past experience. I belive, that if you TRULY wand and are READY to, move forward than you MUST take that leap of faith.

And i send you all my good wishes that WHEN you do, that you will have truly found a professional who believes in the oath thay they swore by and really offers you altruistic advice.

And if not, then don't lose heart, because help is always there for those that seek it, you just need to look in the right place. And sometimes that place is at home, and in yourself, and your own drive to improve and be the potential person you believe that you can be, given your respective abilities and traits. Me personally, i have no limits to my potential i am only limited by the priorities i set for myself. You too? That's a question for you to think about and answer for yourself.