How do you tell people their loved ones might have Aspergers

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I hate joining a forum and starting a new thread right away but I joined specifically to ask for some advice that I haven't found so far anywhere else on the site. Forgive me if I have indeed overlooked such a thread and please show me where it is and I'll happily delete this thread. I also apologize in advance because this post will probably be long and full of rambling, I tend to over-edit and give too much detail because I never know what's essential and what's not really needed.

Anyway, to the point: A few weeks ago when I first started reading about Asperger's, I instantly understood that my father, cousin, and myself all have various degrees of it, though all undiagnosed and I'm probably the only person who even knows the term. I've since been absorbing all the information I can find because it's been refreshing to finally understand myself after years of confusion. I had been wondering how (or even if) I should tell my very emotional NT mother about my discovery because she tends to react strongly to everything and I don't really want to be confronted, yelled at, or cried at, so I've been putting it off indefinitely. I wasn't sure if it would make much difference anyway.

A few days ago though, I came across a book called "Asperger's Syndrome and Adults... Is Anyone Listening?" I had misread the subtitle and thought that it was written by adults with Asperger's when in fact it's written by family members of adults with Asperger's. So instead of reading more about myself, I found myself reading about my mom and what her perspective must be like dealing with me and my dad. She and I have always been a battleground, but we're also close sometimes and she's been complaining to me about my dad for years. I don't know what she expects me to do about it and I still don't know why she won't just get divorced (well she says it's because we'd lose the house, but I've never understood why a house is more important to her than her mental well-being.) But now after reading that book and connecting some dots, I think that telling her about Asperger's could actually be beneficial to everyone in my family - so long as she doesn't freak out about it.

So to my actual question: How can I gently guide my mom to the realization of Asperger's? I was thinking that I could just hand her the book, tell her to read it, and just hope that she'll see herself in it and figure it out without asking me more questions. I also thought about writing her a letter for her to read after the book, trying to answer any questions she might have about it - I have trouble spontaneously answering even simple questions in a face to face conversation so I've always found it easier to collect my thoughts and write them down before bringing up a serious issue with my mom or anyone else. So I was wondering if there's anyone else out there who could possibly relate and share some advice on how I might approach this.

It's also another question entirely about what I should do regarding my 11 year old cousin who I also think has it, but I know he and his parents are at least talking to a professional of some sort so I'm hoping that they'll come to some conclusion so my cousin doesn't have to deal with what I went through growing up. But that's for another time perhaps.

Thanks to anyone who read this far, I appreciate it and I'm sorry again for the length.

Edit: Oops, I put this in the wrong section, I meant to put it in "General Autism Discussion"

Welcome to WP!

Thanks Tim_Tex
I've been lurking for a few weeks but I just finally signed up today

Welcome^.^

I suggest not meddling in other people's affairs. Telling others they have Aspergers especially when its family members can have long term and devastating effects. If you tell your mom about your dad it could lead to a divorce and also your dad alienating you. The immediate affect is a lot more fights in the family home.

I know you mean well, but you need to think about the longterm ramifications of telling other people you think they have AS. One of the first things many who first learn about there AS do is start seeing signs of it in everyone else and also becoming so obsessed with it that they want to tell everyone they know or meet about AS. Resist the temptation. Somethings are better left alone.

As an alternative to giving your mom the book, and therefore creating the expectation of a discussion, you can just leave it lying around one day for her to conveniently stumble across, so she can absorb it and deal with it, including any shock, denial, etc., at her own pace and in her own way.

I don't think you need to say anything about your dad or any other family member. If you want to share with them that you think Asperger Syndrome may very well apply to you, and explain why, that's your choice, though you may be disappointed to find them quite skeptical, unless they're intrigued enough to actually do a little reading on the subject. Even if they do agree that AS sounds a lot like you, they will not likely comprehend how deeply it affects you and how completely it's effects influence every aspect of your life. Even others with the disorder are often in denial about that.

Other than my wife (who first introduced me to the notion that I might have AS) and my parents (who knew from living with me for years that there was something odd about me), I didn't try to discuss it with anyone until after I had an official diagnosis. One of my aunts, who has always doted on me since I was a small child, and who has suffered with an extreme form of hypoglycemia for years (also a disorder few truly understand), when I finally mentioned to her what I'd recently discovered about myself, was extremely condescending, as if I were just a crackpot looking for attention.

Because others cannot see your disability, they have a hard time imagining that it is a real disability. If they've never experienced cognitive shutdown from over stimulus, it's a mythical animal to them.

On the other hand, your mom may, like mine, be relieved to discover that your eccentricities are actually a disorder, rather than her faulty child rearing.

If you think your cousin has AS, and as it happens your cousin's parents have concerns such that they are taking your cousin for professional assistance in an attempt to learn what is happening, then it seems there should be some over-lap in the concerns of your cousin's parents and your reasons for thinking your cousin may have AS.

This seems the most likely ground on which to open a discussion with them at least. Prepare a non-technical summary of the concerns the cousin's parents have, and a matching list of how these are described in medical terms (ie the diagnostic criteria, summary descriptions of AS associated traits). Instead of starting with 'how about AS', start with are these the things you are concerned about in regards to "insert cousin's name". If you are correct, your summary of your cousin's issues should catch the attention of the parents, then you can tell them there is a condition that matches the very issues they are concerned about and suggest they discuss this with the professionals you are taking your cousin to.

If this works out, there is some chance of discussion of AS arising in the family, and this in itself might lead to an opportunity to approach the issue of your father(and/or yourself for that matter), either with your father directly, or via your mother. If your cousin is diagnosed, there is some chance others in the family will start to make their own associations, especially considering that AS is very well known to be heritable and therefore to 'run' in families.

Good luck.

Unless your family you don't, but I feel have aright to help educate them, but should and has to be an individual choice and while I would love to think everyone wants to embrace there neurological differently minded self they do not unfortunately, but just maybe leaving a copy of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood may help http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/1843104 ... eader-link may help, good luck and feel free to email me for support and help if needed...

To op:

I suppose you'd walk up to them and tell them one of their loved ones has aspergers.

First welcome - from a relative newbie to a new-newbie!

I'd agree on not broaching the subject with/about the AS that other family members have/might have.

On approaching your mom about your own ... best I can say is that I don't envy you. I 'came out' to my family in an email. Took me weeks to write it in a way that would be thorough but not too wordy, and get the point across without sounding like I'm a hypochondriac whose come up with a new excuse for what is really my consciously bad behavior.

I suspect from their point of view, finding out about something like this triggers a defensive reaction. "If this were real, I should have seen it. I didn't see it, I don't want to admit that I didn't see it, so the only other option is that you're just making this up as a new excuse for your consciously bad behavior."

I don't know your family and perhaps they'll be a lot more understanding than that. But just to play devil's advocate ... do be prepared for a reaction you won't like.

Either way - good luck!


- Jo

i got pretty intensely suicidal when i found out i had it... i would not go telling people you think they have it, it might really depress them.

G'day and welcome. WHy dont you do what someone did to me, get them to do an aspergers test on the internet 'just for fun' work for me and now I have a diagnosis and feel so much better about myself