I just don't get it...

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As much as I try to analyze and understand social situations, as much as I think I can do okay in social situations... if I'm comfortable... I just don't get why I still feel like an outcast and my comments are either ignored or fail to stir up conversation.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm not a super-weirdo... people are open to me and seem to give me a chance socially. I'm nice but cerebral... I don't really offend anyone... and I am aware enough to notice how others act to the 'real' social outcasts.

There just seems to be something intangible about what I do that causes others to not respond to social advances the way I expect them to. I try to make small talk. I try to be a part of things. I try to be friendly and helpful... But my communication style/ atypical approach to topics just makes it hard for people to connect with me.

I'm starting to feel like I'm a lost cause, and there is no amount of effort that will change this fact. It would help me be more relaxed and stop trying so hard socially.

Who else has started to feel like this? Anyone else just given up on trying to improve their social skills.

I need a video or a full on coach to tell me exactly what is going on here... because I just don't get it.

How come after 26 years of life experience I can't strike up a conversation with people and not have it be stilted and strange... despite my best efforts to make it seem natural and carefree and open.

I've given up trying to improve my social skills. But that's partly because I work in an environment that requires (some) social interaction, so I improve without trying, simply because I'm forced to practise.

But I know what you mean. My socialisation is painfully conscious. I can carry off work-related smalltalk pretty well now, because I've had to do so much of it. But if the conversation goes on for more than a minute or so, or moves into non-work-related territory, I'm completely lost. And I do find it hard to engage people. I think I even have trouble doing this in some written forms too. The more like a conversation a form of communication is, the harder I will find it to do. People just don't seem too interested in talking to me. I don't mind, as I'm generally not too interested in talking to them, either. It's just that I know that I ought to be talking to them. This annoys me, because I hate that inane stuff so much, yet I can see, intellectually, that it has a point. So I don't want to engage, but I feel obliged to at times. And it is a bit depressing when you can't do something so (apparently) essential.

Anyway, I think you will always continue to improve if you continue to practise. I know, practise can be awful, especially at something you don't like. 26 is not old. Maybe you're delayed in this area (well, you're on WP, so it's almost a given that you are socially delayed), but you'll keep improving over time.

That is all.

I have made many attempts over the years to improve my social skills - socialization has been a problem for me since kindergarten. I'm in another "on again" phase, with an evaluation for AS scheduled for next week.

Something I read recently in "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" (by Ashley Stanford), made a lot of sense to me. Apparently, in a marriage between AS & NT partners, the NT partner will often "script" social encounters for the AS partner (feed them lines - "There's Jane Jones - say hello to her & ask her about her cat.")

I would love to have an NT "confederate" - who could accompany me to social gatherings & script them for me. Unfortunately, finding such a person is something I have no idea how to do (that's why I'm hoping that my evaluation will lead me down a better path & help me to be less socially clueless.)

For me, the answer is "Yes" and I have very ambitious goals on what I can achieve. However, I see three different thearpists to help me with social skills and my social networks are quite structured.

I have learned that it is very difficult for autistic person to make individual friends in a specific group. A lot of people do not have patience or understanding about autism to take the effort to get know the autistic person.

It is better for you to find a group that is around of one interests and spend time with them. For example, I am into Burning Man and so I met a lot of people throughout of the years in the scene. Learn to be friends with the "group" or "community" instead of trying to focus on having a single individual friendship. Even before getting diganosed with Autism, that is how I met and made friends.

Another thing that you have to learn is you have to put the time and effort to get know somebody. Do not expect people coming to meet you. You need to place the time and energy to get to know them. You need focus the attention off yourself and on to their special needs and interests. Be prepared to make casual smalltalk and just be calm, not neverous. Use eye contact. Smile.

The simple things can go very far into starting a friendship with somebody. Learn to accept that autistic people are not going to get the complex social interaction rules. It is beyond our control. However, we can learn the mechanics of social skills and become good at them.

Once you have adequate social skills, people will start to like you. They can began trust you and know that you are real friend. Unlike the NTs, we do not engage in slander, backbiting, or gossiping. People will be able to go to you and have very deep conversation with you because they can trust you and know that you are honest and sincere.

Having AS does has significant limitations but it does advantages. Once a level of basic social skills are learned, people will began to trust and value your friendship. And put the time and effort to invest into the friendship. Putting time and effort into a relationship even though the other person might now initially not will often result in a long-time friend.

I just made a new friend this week because I put time and investment to talk to this guy everytime I got done with my 12-step meeting.

And you can do the same

I can very much relate to this.

I took acting lessons.

After that, It was only a matter of getting used to acting in a pleasant, outgoing way while suppressing the "Fight or Flight" instinct and dealing with the resulting migraines and irritable bowel syndrome.

You know ... just like everybody else does!

In general, people pay attention to other people only when doing so satisfies them in some way. Maybe the person is attractive to them or has control over something they want. Maybe that person is always flattering and deferential. Maybe they're afraid of that person. Whatever the reason, the person is rewarding to them, so they pay attention. Learn how to make people feel rewarded, and you'll be popular.

I'm kind of the same way. I'll be at a social function of sorts, and I'm the kind of guy who just stands or sits off to the side and daydreams. There are only a few subjects I get seriously interested in talking about and they're usually pretty abstract. I also hate small talk and transitional conversation so I just don't bother. When I'm at some sort of gathering and I see a group of people, some might be friends or family talking about golf , I just don't feel comfortable walking in and asking if anyone has played the new Senji board game.