"communication" problems at work

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I have a friend who is undiagnosed Aspergers; he has a job that he enjoys but has been repeatedly told by his boss that he's not "communicative" enough. Which means that he doesn't "talk" enough and that when people do interact with him, he doesn't make adequate eye contact.

This really isn't a choice on his part, he can't talk and can't make eye contact. It's not that he doesn't want to. He is able to communicate via email but he continues to be expected to communicate verbally.

His behavior is being wrongly misinterpretted as hostility or rudeness.

Has anyone else ever been in a work environment where the demands for "communication" were too much for them? How did you cope or manage? Do you have any ideas for this person? I would appreciate any responses

people in a work enviroment like his its hard to communicate,and i dont blame him either for getting told he doesnt talk enough.

Yes, I am quite similar to your buddy. Fortunately, I know a "higher-up" whom I frequently work with. She is very nice and easy to talk to. My problem is talking seriously with her in front of other employees. But when we are alone, it is somewhat of a therapy session for me- where I can just speel out what my problems are and recieve help and/or positive feedback.
I too have been scolded for being uncommunicative, and this has subsequently led to me verbally insulting them as well as others. As it sounds, it has been a bit rocky at times, but I am able to maintain the job and perform my expected duties.

What kind of job does he work at? I suck at communication in person, but it seems more accepted because I work in IT.

As a bagger at a grocery store, minimal communication is expected. Although I'd love to be a cashier, they're required to make small talk with every customer.

There's a truth your friend may not be aware of, and it's important to his survival as an aspie in a social situation:

PEOPLE ARE ANIMALS. They operate as much on the subconscious level as the concious level. Most NTs walk around thinking that they are totally rational beings, but the truth is their behavior is as much instinct as intellect. Men in particular have instincts to stake territory and possessions, pursue sex, fight for dominance in the group, and protect the group by driving out or killing deviant members, among other urges.

People can be wonderful, don't get me wrong. But for certain intents and purposes in groups, your aspie friend is running in a pack of wolves, and the pack is an unforgiving, seething mass of instinct and subtle non-verbal communication he can't intuitively understand. They aren't consciously aware of many aspects of their own behavior, so they can't consciously control it. Your friend's aspie behavior places him solidly in the "deviant" catagory, so he's got a major freakin' problem from the start, I kid you not. The group may not take him out and stone him on the spot like they would 5,000 years ago, but the instinctive unease they feel is still very much present.

This leads me to the point: your friend's problems are far more complicated than just making a bit of eye contact and chatting a few people up. Lots of NTs don't make eye contact or enjoy small talk, yet they aren't labeled rude, unpredictable, hostile, etc. No, the problem is one of broad non-verbal communication. Your aspie friend doesn't have the tools to give and receive the non-verbal imperatives of the group, and despite themselves, they instinctively dislike it.

I've been advocating an idea on this site for a while, and I would also recommend it to your friend: study body language and non-verbal communication. The purpose is to learn to consciously recognize non-verbal cues in NT individuals and in a group. Many aspies have done it, and it raises their social IQ enormously. Obvious but silent signs of approval, displeasure, interest, anger, etc. that were previously unintelligible will all of the sudden jump out. He can check out my articles here:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.html?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=8480&start=0

http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.html?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=8100&start=0

or on the home page for additional info.

Also, as much as he is able, he can practice projecting his own positive body language signals and learning proper eye contact. It takes some resolve, but these skills can be substantially improved.

The temptation is to put a quick-fix in, like raising workplace awareness of AS. It's a nice idea, but it doesn't address the real problem: NT's unconscious social requirements. Body language goes a long way to addressing just that.

Feel free to PM me with other questions, if you like. I'm happy to recommend books, etc., if your friends wants to pursue this.

Best Wishes!

So all he needs to do is to raise the their subconcious to the concious level by constantly reminding them that they are acting on behalf of primitive instincts.



NTs claim to be social... But they seem to be a bunch of lying *@§"!-&%€...

Happens to me a lot too. Even lost a job over it. Listen to the Groovy Druid, he has much wisdom on the subject.
Although we as Aspies need to be comfortable with our Aspie-ness, if we can't interact with the NT world, we aren't doing anybody any good.

What line of work is your friend in? Obviously communication is important in a field like sales.

I've always been in the IT industry, and I've found that it is generally much more accomodating to us aspies. Everyone seems to accept that us computer programmers generally aren't too social.

Right! Seriously, that is the aspie tendency. Our naivete is touching, really. We think, "Well, I'll just explain to everyone that I'm different and that they have an instinctive dislike rather than a reasonable one, and with some minor adjustments, life should substantially improve." T'would be nice if that worked. Unfortunately, it's a jungle out there...



Yes. Wolves are social, too. But if one of them gets injured, the pack will turn on him and eat him. Aspies often tend to equate sociability with refinement of character and control over the baser instincts. People try their best, but they still let greed, ego, and lust rule much of their lives.

That's just the way it is. The trick is to realize this, and rather than fight it, adapt. Take the ball to the NT court and kick some butt.

The problem with the work environment is that there are a significant number of people who will do anything to further their own careers regardless of the consequences for other people. If you are impaired in your ability to read people's underlying motives, intentions and emotions, you can be badly disadvantaged. Unfortunately, the nature of the working environment tends to be that people who are good at manipulating other people have a tendency to rise to management positions. If you are very unlikely, you may find yourself working for people that are better at this than they are at doing their work.

It is also possible for people with AS traits to end up in a senior position. This situation has a different but depressingly predictable set of problems and is just as difficult for the AS person.

Unfortunately, after 20 years, I do not think that it is possible to completely resolve the NT vs AS problems in a working environment. I was happiest when working on my own from home (software), and I hope to be able to do that again in future.

Perhaps it would be possible to start a software company specifically for people with AS? It would still need to deal with (NT) customers, but it may work well for the people in the company?

Thanks for your replies. The problem is that he cannot "force" himself to play by the NT rules and I agree that the situation is much more complicated than being able to force himself to utter words and make eye contact . These situations are like trying to live amongst a pack of wolves.

Has anyone ever tried telling their employer that they are Aspergers, or is that a very bad idea?

I haven't tried. I decided against disclosure from the very beginning. To be honest, I don't see the point in twisting everyone's arm to get the accommodations I need, when there are probably other jobs out there that would suit me better. I don't see myself working for my current employer for the rest of my life.

Hi,

I told my employer about aspergers. So far it has been ok. Once I had a diagnosis - the corporate world gleefully set off fixing me. The employee asistance program linked me up with a specialist. The health benifit group did research on drugs and treatment alternatives. I got money to buy software, a personal coach and lots of training programs (Dale carnige, leadership seminars, etc).

Job wise as I improve my behavior (or so they say) I get more responabilities and my boss has found some cases where I am better than NTs - like negotiations or getting two people who hate each other to work together without violence, or solving problems in ways no one else sees.
However once you come out, there is no going back and I think my NT collegues sometimes treat me like a pet or toy.

They may not know what AS is, or worse have inaccurate preconceptions.

I think that it is better only to be explicit about what you need to work well. For example, if it is possible, ask for a quiet place to work in. Ask people to be direct and explicit with you. If necessary, warn people that if you sometimes seem blunt or rude that they should not take it personally. Find ways to reduce the chance of a meltdown, and to get yourself away from the other people if it is inevitable. If your employer can not or will not accomodate what you need, consider finding another job with a better employer.

It helps if you have someone that you can talk to when things go badly wrong. For example, if you have a major argument at work, they may be able to explain why people are behaving the way they are and suggest what you might be able to do to resolve the problem.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, that his contract ends in September and won't be renewed unless he can address his "communication problems."