paranoid in social situations

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hi all,

I have been reading this forum for a little while. I decided to register and post here because I have problems with paranoid thoughts when in social situations and was wondering if this could have to do with my Asperger's syndrome or maybe something else.

First of all I just want to give a brief history of my situation. I have for quite some years now been off work because I have had problems with anxiety and depression and for a while was generally stuck in a rut. For a couple of years I have been feeling much better having found medication that works well for me and started accepting the problems I have as well as receiving a diagnosis of AS. I have started exposing myself to more and more social situations and have in recent weeks started exercising at the gym because I am quite overweight and I want to make a serious commitment to lose some pounds. I feel very awkward though when talking to people there as I feel that I stand out in some strange way and I feel as if I don't belong. I want to be social with people and make friends but at the same time lots of non-stop internal dialogue in my head won't stop with thoughts that they will find me to be wierd or unusual in some way and that they will dislike me. I really want people to like me and to be able to make friends as I have none at the moment but I am so scared of being rejected because I am act or sound or look weird in some way. I really try hard to tell myself I am not different than anyone else but I seem unable to believe it. I haven't been diagnosed with any sort of paranoid disorder. I just think maybe my paranoia is down to low self-esteem that is made worse by having AS. I don't think that I completely lack social skills but when I talk to people I have trouble concentrating on everything that is going on around me and sort of see only that person as if all the surroundings or other people are simply not there. I even tend to forget where I am or what I am there for, for a little while. I just wish I could somehow feel more relaxed and less anxious when trying to be social wirth people. It seems like such an effort to deal with any form of socializing, no matter how brief or simple that for so long I just stayed at home and wasted my life away. Now I want to change and start living life to a higher level. I hope what I have written makes some sence to someone. I guess at the end of this post my question to the forum is, does having Asperger's make you slightly paranoid about what other people think of you and has anyone experienced this sort of narrow focused feeling when talking one to one with someone?

Well I personally have a tendency to paranoia, or I may just be observing people's reactions to the things I'm doing without distortion, lol! Sorry, that probably wasn't helpful.

I've found that after a short series of rejections due to weird behaviour including cyber stalking of this boy I had a crush on when i was 17 - well, that's a slight exaggeration, but I did have a habit of sending him rather lengthly emails, the content of which was not expressive of my feelings for him but it unnerved him and became the subject of gossip amongst the congregations in the canteen and places (our college had no such thing as a bar or SU) and one girl in particular found some of the sexual disclosures i made so distasteful that she saw fit to bar me from this huge party she threw - i have learnt from these mistakes and honed my social skills considerably. I still don't tend to seek people out unless they're very friendly to me lest they reject me because I'm weird or insipid, and I still suspect that maybe half of the people I come into contact with probably don't want to know me because of my eccentricities or because my flat effect puts them off, but basically I think most Aspies who wish to venture out into the social world should be prepared for some embarrassments and rejections, but there will probably be some people who do accept us and we can probably all get better at socialising with practice.

And I also lose any ability to multi-task during a conversation.

I find that in social situations, I tend to micromanage myself, which leads to a lot of self-criticism. I do this because it is hard for me to determine what other people are thinking or feeling during the interaction, and I have had enough bad social experiences to be conditioned into assuming that the other person is bored/annoyed/angry/confused/impatient, etc. Even when the other person explicitly states that they are interested in what I am saying, it is still very difficult for me not to self-criticize.

I, too, have struggled with my weight, and noticed that when I was heavier, people tended to discount what I had to say more than they do now that I am less heavy. There was very little difference in the content of what I would talk about (mostly academic subjects pertaining to philosophy, psychology, science, mythology, and history of religion), but when I weighed more, people were faster to walk away, interrupt me, or change the subject than they are now. This behavior is typical of people who assume that an individual's external features indicate their level of cognitive ability, and that individuals who fit the current "attractive" stereotype must be more intelligent than those who don't (this is, of course, patently ridiculous -- case in point, Stephen Hawking and Paris Hilton).

Answering the question at the end of your post, I think that there is probably a statistically significant percentage of people on the spectrum who are paranoid about what other people think about them -- this has certainly been my experience, and the experience of most of the other people with AS that I know.

I think that this paranoia is twofold: 1) we find it difficult to determine how other people are reacting to us while we are interacting with them, and 2) we have had many bad experiences of people being mean to us. This leads us to assume that the current person we are talking with will be mean to us, as well, even if that is not their intention.

This paranoia is a defense strategy, similar to a laboratory animal being paranoid about going into a cage in which an electric shock has previously been administered. Even if there is no electric current running in the cage, the animal will still be afraid of the situation due to prior conditioning. Similarly, even if there is no malicious intent on the part of the person with whom we are interacting, we will still be afraid of the social situation due to prior conditioning.

I think that social paranoia is typical for people with AS; I also think that it is understandable and quite often justified.

My $0.02.

~ Caterina

Sounds like social anxiety. I had the non-stop negative thoughts in my head too. I went to therapy and got better without drugs. Now my mind tends to wander off from conversations and not care too much because it's not as bad as having anxious thoughts.

There should be some sites that help you with social anxiety, or you could go to a therapist.

I do think now that I have social anxiety but it must stem from having AS. I'm on a waiting list for psychotherapy which will take about another 5 months on the NHS in the UK but at least it is free as I can't afford it otherwise. Apart from therapy the only way I seem to find to treat this social anxiety is to expose myself to it. This seems to make me less anxious as I get used to dealing with strangers but I still always have the thoughts that people don't like me and I stand out. Maybe they are irrational but I just can't stop thinking negatively like this no matter how hard I try. I know some CBT techniques to question my paranoia but I really find it hard to convince myself that I am a likable person. Making positive affrimations just feel like I am kidding myself.

I agree that social anxiety can be developed from having AS, as was the case with me. Like most people with AS I am bad at chit chat. I never know what to say. I used to be fine with this, but the moment I felt like participating is when I got those anxious thoughts followed by regular anxiety attacks. So, I went to therapy, did some CBT and took time off socialising and those thoughts seemed to get softer and softer, and the anxiety attacks went from once a week to a few times to finally disappearing. I haven't had a severe anxiety attack for a while.
I still can't do chit chat and I just think that my brain just doesn't know how to. I try my best to not be bothered by it. If you're stuck for life like this then you may as well get used to it. I still find that people like me despite my lack of input in conversations.

I've been staying up late to look up tips on socialising. I've come across some social anxiety articles. You've probably heard it all before but the important thing is that what you think about yourself is not what others are thinking of you. A good technique is to see everyone as just as nervous as you, and instead of focusing on yourself try to focus on someone else.
What worked for me with dealing with anxiety, especially anxiety from a breakup was to be constantly busy and not allowing the thoughts to come into my mind. Then I did the Emotional Freedom Technique which is tapping your different parts of your body. It sounds silly but it really works. I do it if I want to get something off my mind. Checkout www.emofree.com.

pensieve has got it right it seems. I used to have severe trouble with paranoia and for some time people took advagntage of it. your not alone but you can feel better without taking anything. For me thinking stoic and applying it to anger and sadness have helped out. Try talking to yourself in a non angry tone, and focus on your friends that do think your cool even if its only one person. Dont quit arguing your paranoia after awhile it will go away!