Backstabbing etiquette

Post Reply New Topic

I'm referring to the kind of situation when somebody says something horrible behind your back or hurts you in a significant way and when you accidentally meet they are all smiles and (fake) friendliness. I've noticed that if you tell them off or ask them to leave you alone, you're considered immature and advised to "get over it" or "grow up" (not to mention they seem satisfied to see you upset).

Analyzing similar situations I've witnessed along the years, the code seems to be somewhere in the area "I can stab you in the back if it takes my fancy and you can do the same if you have the b@lls, but in front of others we'll purr nicely and pretend to be best friends".

Needless to say, I'm totally incapable to play this game, nor do I have the desire to do so, but it irks me when others in the group consider me rigid and lacking empathy because of it. It seems really unfair and more of a 'blame the victim" reaction. Not to mention that - if these are indeed the rules - they seem completely insane to me; it's like saying that you can stoop as low as you want and face no consequences as long as you play nice in front of others.

And the most weird thing is that these people seem to acknowledge your right to do something just as bed in response, but think you have no right to judge them or consider them scumbags.

In the complex NT social world, backstabbers do face consequences. Even though everybody smiles nicely in order to get along, a person who's been backstabbed never trusts the stabber again, tell their friends that the person is "two-faced" so they won't trust them either, and possibly even goes out of their way to create difficulties for the backstabber in the future.

I think the person who is telling you that you are immature for sticking up for yourself is probably a back stabber themselves. If someone stabs you in the back, but didn't mean to hurt you then they should apologize and make ammends. If they tell you to get over it they don't really care about you, just themselves. It's not how anyone NT or not, should treat people, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

i could care less what they think as long
as they dont heckle me in a group, in my past
experience people like you mentioned like to
gather other people around to minimize you
more so when you they think your upset thats when
they're happiest-thats just my experience with these
things...


before i used to beat myself up and feel horrible
but then i thought i should just fight for myself
even if i were wrong, the manner they attacked me
could not be right either so i could care less about
their point of view...i hate these encounters but then
i have to not think ill of myself, im sick of it

This is the best way to respond - that, or backstabbing them in turn (if you can't stand the heat...). Anything else will be perceived as immature, inept or cowardly. The rules for this sort of thing are often illogical - for example, with a girl who backstabbed me, she later invited me to a party at her place - fully expecting, and wishing, that I wouldn't go. For that very reason, I went, which was a nasty surprise for her. Snubbing her wouldn't have worked as well.

The rule as I have observed is more along the lines of: "If you have the edge socially, you can do whatever the hell you want. If you're just a geek, you have no chance."

Like when a girl stole £5 from my purse right in front of me then boasted about it, I told her she had 24 hours to give it back else I'd tell the teacher, so she turns on the waterworks and says her family's poor, so her friends accused ME of bullying HER. WTF? I was not best pleased, so after 24 hours I told the teacher and the girl got in trouble, which the social elite blamed me for. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Funny, huh? Most times, if I'm distant (and perceived as arrogant) all is well, if I'm trying to be friendly, I suddenly turn into a target. It's like my social experiences are training me to be obnoxious...

They are stupid. Simple as that. They have no idea what they do or why, they just do it becouse that's what others does and it makes them feel good. The only thing they really care for is themselvs, I despise them from the bottom of my hart.

Excuse me, but what? Friends are supposed to say horrible things behind your back. You're really quite demanding if you can't tolerate some criticism or humour at your expense.

c/s

Backstabbing is the white noise of social interaction, it's what people do to kill time or fill the silence. If you don't want to take part in that game good on you, but no matter how good a person you are you will still have to deal with backstabbing in some form or other. 'Living well is the best revenge', or something along those lines, is the motto you should live by. No one can hurt you if you have a strong mind and a big heart.

It might be so with younger people - I don't know and I wasn't referring to the normal amount of gossip that goes around in any group. There's also a quite definite line between criticism or banter and causing someone actual harm.

But I think you missed my point altogether. I was more interested in understanding the dynamics of this sort of behavior, since it seems totally irrational to me. I tend to perceive it as pathetic and ridiculous, but it can be interesting to see beyond it, to what kind of insecurities and and defense mechanisms can cause somebody to perceive politeness and unassuming behavior as a weakness.

Nice signature, Silvervarq

Perhaps you don't understand the difference between well-intended criticism, friendly banter, etc and actual backstabbing. A true friend will criticise you, but won't backstab you.




QFT. Gossip is normal, and inevitably involves criticism, but there's a limit to what proper friends (as opposed to hypocrites that just use you for their own advantage) will say. Actual banter (as distinct from bullying disguised as banter) is meant to be fun for all involved, rather than hurting someone.

Thanks, I study NTs alot.
It's Silvervarg, a part of the g is consealed by the line under the name so it looks like a q.


If you are higher than them in their hierarchy (like if you are successfull at work etc) they are trying to find ways to bring you down, so they can get higher. If they feel they can control you or your reactions, that means (to them) that they are higher than you.
If you're allready at the bottom, they just do it for the fun of it.

Sorry, Silvervarg, my eyes are not what they used to be

I can relate to your observations.

Uh, is this "backstabbing etiquette" thing an American cultural kerfluffle?

Because I live in Mexico, and so far, out of all the people I know, nobody, absolutely nobody approves of talking s**t about someone behind their backs. Granted, there are degrees to what happens: if someone just calls you an as*hole behind the back, you just don't go with them the next time they go out, while if someone calls you a f**ked-up as*hole in front of the headmaster, that really deserves a beating. But so far I've seen nobody going around approving of backstabbing.

Last edited by dsfargeg on 11 Feb 2009, 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.