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Butterfly
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06 Feb 2009, 8:25 pm

I think this is my first post here; I've just been lurking about till now. Anyway, I just wanted some other people’s opinions. This post is mainly in regard to my relationship and some of my worries.

First, some background. I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 4 years, we met when we were at university. During our first year together it was suggested I had AS, eventually I was clinically diagnosed. This didn't affect our relationship in anyway at the time.

Anyway.

Recently, last November (the day before my birthday precisely), she broke up with me. Few days later we talked and it ended up just being a break, so we got back together 2 weeks later. When we did, we had a huge talk about her reason for it and "our" issues. Some of the things she said were that she didn't realise how much my AS would affect her and any issues that she had were initially small, so they never were brought up. Most of these I agreed with and we discussed "solutions".

Things were OK, with a few upsets with her "having doubts" again, but ultimately she says that she loves me and we started to get back to where we were (barring delaying moving in together next year, which is now "Postponed").

One of the things she wanted to do was go to this workshop for people with Aspie Partners. This being the Maxine Aston "Cassandra" workshop. She is currently at the course now, so I decided to read up on it. All the things that I have found out about Aston have been negative and calls her ethics/professionalism into question. She seems to be very Anti-AS/Male.

I texted my girlfriend earlier today to see how she was and all I’m getting back for her now is that she "has a lot to think about" and "time and space". Her last text response included "I can't promise anything but I want to make this work".

Considering that I thought that we were going quite well before she went to this course and what I have heard of this Aston woman, I'm getting really paranoid/worried about what will happen by the end of tomorrow (end of the course).

Does anyone here have an NT partner that went to one of these courses? If so did it end positively?

I really thought that there wasn't a problem anymore, so there now seems to be a very big change in thought.

I don't think that discrediting Aston to my gf while she is still there would be a good idea so now I feel that I'm just constantly waiting for my gf for her to make up her mind. It’s unbearable.



pakled
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06 Feb 2009, 9:18 pm

is there any way they'd let you go to this? it's hard to have a conversation with only one side known...



Emoal6
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07 Feb 2009, 1:39 am

I suggest you dont contact her again, at least not first, and here's why. I lost a
"perfect girl" before because she used those dreaded words. Unfortunately, if you talk to someone EVERYDAY, soon enough there will be breakdowns in communication. People will "deal" with others for a long time, even accept habits and rituals as part of a person, but the wheels start to grind if they go without maintanence. And sometimes maintanence just means you turn off the other person till you realize how much you miss them.

Also, Nothing that cassandra woman will say will be good for you. You are correct to assume this, but you need to encourage her to get all the information she can. She needs to feel like you want her to better herself. That includes everything from learning to working out, socializing to prioritizing her dreams. You need to show this girl why she should love you. Cause you're the type of guy who will let her be who she is, without criticism. She should know she's loved unconditionally now, even if this is the end.

If you are to send her a text again or call her before she does you, make sure its brief and supportive. SHOW NO WORRIES. She's testing your fortitude, your commitment. If you show nothing but support, she'll have nothing but good thoughts of you. Sure, you'll still have some annoying traits that drive her nuts, but knowing you would do anything to make her feel comfortable is more important usually.



sinsboldly
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07 Feb 2009, 2:11 am

Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding an Aloof Lover: Could It Be Asperger's? (Paperback)

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Mr-Spock-U ... 1932565205

It shows AS in a positive light and will give another perspective, at least.

Merle


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LabPet
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07 Feb 2009, 3:00 am

Try Maxine Aston - she's written about the Cassandra Syndrome. Woodpecker gave me this reference so he gets the credit. You can access M. Aston's research via Dr. Tony Attwood's site too. Unsure if M. Aston's work is applicable but you never know!

I believe the book sinsboldly gave is similar in theory.

This implies if one loves an Aspie then they too become.....weird. But in a different way. Yes - we're contagious! Just as we suspected...heh heh.

Lab Pet's opinon? (Not that it counts....) but Mr. Spock is way cuter than any Dr. Phil.


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Butterfly
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07 Feb 2009, 4:27 am

By the way - It was Maxine Aston's workshop that she went to (Do a quick search for Aston on thi forum and you'll find alot of flaming. FAAAS associations ect.) So I know about the "[People with AS] cause cancer" tosh. Thing is which i disagree that having AS causes others to "become wierd", it is what we end up doing that can become "draining". I admit that I can be hard work sometimes and I can be quite demanding but that is just me and I (would hope) that I dont cause my gf to have depression because of me.

To be perfectly honest, if I am draining to her, it not really because of me. It just that she has a lot of other stresses at the moment that means she can't give enough energy to me. This would mean that she is going to feel like I am being more of an issue untill she sorts out her other bits and pieces. I have been supportive, I am a very understanding person. She seems to always like talking to me about her problems because of the logical advice and good support I give. But this time it feels like Im being the problem.

Anyway, I have heard of the "Loving Mr Spock" I can't remember if I've read it or not. If not I'll see if I can find it in the library.

To LabPet - I don't think I've ever heard any one call Spock "cute". To each thier own. Can't say about cuteness, being straight, but I prefured Data (From TNG) to Spock.



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Butterfly
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07 Feb 2009, 4:30 am

pakled wrote:
is there any way they'd let you go to this? it's hard to have a conversation with only one side known...


No. It's for women only. So, yeah. Biased views abound. I get the feeling that It going to say that we (people with AS (and/or) Men) are the cause of all thier problems.



Rjaye
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07 Feb 2009, 5:35 am

Changed,

This sounds like a serious relationship. Is there any kind of workshop you two can go to together? Something where you two are learning how to be together?

Why did she chose this particular conference/workshop? Is it because it's the only one of its kind?

I really find these anti-AS groups are self fulfilling. Most are already having problems for a lot of reasons, and some have to do with the guy actually being a jerk, but most are having problems because of their own expectations of the relationship, and that the guy is supposed to be magically cured.

Talk to her, and find out what she wanted out of this group. And hang in there.



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Butterfly
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07 Feb 2009, 6:04 am

Thank you. I don't know of any "couple councelling" or workshops for AS-NT relationships that are for both partners. I have been linked to one person, but she was very expensive and wasn't really for couples, she just specialised in councelling people with AS.

If we needed couple councelling I would go, but I really dont think that we are that bad. But.. that might be part of the issue, I don't know.

It is a serious relationship and I can't bare the thought of it breaking up. I think we are at the point where breaking up is only if we are totally broken and I don't think we are, but I don't want outside influences telling her that any "cracks" will never be fixed because that isn't the case.

Has anyone else been through this and gone through couple councelling ect. ?



Jwa
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07 Feb 2009, 7:58 am

two things:

1) First of all I don't have much respect for Maxine Astons - her website itself gives her prejudice away (I went to that as I have AS friends - I am very mild AS myself). See the blogg below:

http://autisticbfh.blogspot.com/2008/09 ... -scam.html

2) Yes counselling helps - if both partners are ready to put work into it.

To be perfectly honest there are no perfect long term relationships (you mentioned yours is 4 years) - and it is irrelevant that whether it is NT-NT. NT-AS, AS-AS.

My partner and I had a serious dip in ours and it was me wanting to break away. He is NT but on surface of it you would think he is AS and I am NT. Now he understands my need of space and doesn't take it personally, nor trys controlling me.

I don't know if it is helping - but any long term realationship goes through dips (I have lots of friends who have experienced the same). Whether it will work or not depends on how much work you are both ready to put in.

The key is emotional intimacy - we can lose it in long term relationships - but it can be built back.

There is book on it - I am sorry I can't remember the name - also counselling can help (but you need a good counseller).
Good luck.