Holiday meltdown, just me venting....

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*sigh* My mom has decided that I HAVE to seek an offical DX for aspergers. This is a result of a meltdown I had Christmas eve night.
Let me give the background here:
for the last 15 days or so I have had a bad case of vertigo, and the DR is closed for a long weekend and I cant get in to see him again till maybe later this week. The meds he gave me originally make me sleepy and "slow" not to meantion cranky. This is a sensory nightmare! plus my dad thinks its funny and picks at me for it.
We are remodeling the house. So everything is changing, and Im not sure that I like it.
family is in from out of town and my spastic like me nephew takes to crawling all over me and my youngest neice is spoiled and showing out.
We had the annual Christmas Eve thing at my aunts house and everyone knows that I have vertigo and all the nurses in the family proceed to tell me that it wont go away and that my carreer in the fire service is over (my greatest fear). The party is hard anyhow because if you dont hug someome then people get offended.
To top it off, my Bit#^&Y little sister was asked, as I ask everyone not to take my picture, and she did it anyway and then told me it was her camera and it was tough for me.

Ok thats the background. I got home with the family (mom dad, 3 bro lin laws, 2 sisters (one died a couple years ago) 2 neices and 1 nephew. Thats like 11 I think including me. we have 3 bedrooms. one sister and her hubby leave, and one bro in law goes leaving 8 people that have to have a place to sleep. I really hate shairing a bed with my neices, but to keep from being seen as selfish I agree to. we have a kiddie fold out couch and the youngest was to sleep there. I couldnt get it to fit between the wall and my bed and my younger sister (before she left) comes in and starts fussing that im not trying hard enough. I wound up throwing the foam couch and telling her to get the hell out. My mom comes in and procedes to tell me not to ruin christmas and to get over what ever is troubling me. I tell her I cant and I start to cry. she opens the door and says "Im not listening to this again, its Christmas," I told her that I just need to talk to her for a minute and she tells me she cares. I said you may say you do, but you are not verbalizing how you feel as she is leaving the room and not offering to try to listen and maybe offer some comfort. She slams the door and leaves. I got calmed down and tried to tell her that the dizzy thing was scarying me and tell her some of my concerns. She said then "well, you are going to the Dr this week if I have to take you myself. I cant deal with this anymore. if this is Aspergers then we need to get you the right meds to calm you down and some sort of therepy, but you are making everyone else miserable and Im not going to have it." I told her that I wasnt trying to do that, but no one respects my requests (not to take photos, shair my bedroom with out atleast asking etc), and she said she didnt care but I was going. I even tried to tell her that there arent any doctors in the area that deals with asperger's adults, and the dx might get me booted from the fire service. She just said I needed to find something else then. This follows the converstation from the day before where she pointed out all my fallicies and told me that was why I had nothing else but the FD.
There isnt anything else in my life. And Im scared. My family acknologes that Asperger's is the problem. All of the individiual DX's are there, they just havent been seen as one. An offical DX will be seen by the co doctor at some point and that will be the end of the road. And it looks like I make my family miserable. I cant afford to leave with what I make so Im stuck.

Ok I vented..... I fell a little better...... but Im still scared.....

Uh, what does FD stand for?

/me sends a BIG hug to ladysmokeeater.

i'm not surprised you're scared, hon - that's an awful lot to have to deal with.

i wish you the very best of luck. please let us know how it all goes. and vent here as much as you like.

x

It should be your choice, and no one else's, if you want to get a dx or not. Stand your ground is all I can say here.

FD = fire department I am assuming....

As for what actually happened, I don't think they really understand the problems. I mean, they do acknowledge the AS, but they are just assuming there is some blue pill you can take to make all your problems go away. Unrealistic. Even with a dx you and they would still have to deal with that sort of stuff everyday. I wish I could tell you what to do about this but I honestly don't know.

fire Department

thanks vetivert for the hugs! and thanks larval for the suporting words. I'll keep yall updated as to how things end up. I might try to get the dx with out going through my insurance, maybe then it wont get reported to my family dr, and I wont disclose the rest... maybe... I called the doc a bit ago but they are closed today for the holidays, so maybe all will be forgotten for a little bit.

Sorry to hear about your meltdown.

Agree that you should keep your diagnosis as private as possible. People will use anything they can to alleviate their discomfort with someone.
My job has known about mine for awhile but it didn't matter until they had trouble letting me go. They have just now decided that it could interfere with my work. Guess the last 5 years don't count.
I usually have some sort of meltdown around the holidays but this year, blessedly, I have had complete control over my surroundings and have been able to be alone a lot. Someone touched me today and the worst was that I snapped at her. I was able to explain why and I think she was O.K. with it.
Does having alone time help and can you get some? Coming here helps me a lot too.

Maybe try showing your mom some sort of credible data that shows that medication is not the answer for AS. There have been some inconclusive results in studies involving antidepressants and antipsychotics. An antidepressant would probably be overlooked on your record because just about everybody takes them nowdays, but an antipsychotic would be a whole other story. If you saw a counselor and got a diagnosis of anxiety and made it a point to doge the AS dx, that might appease your parents and save your career at the FD.

Also, what's wrong with having nothing else going for you but the FD? My younger brother is a firefighter, and having nothing but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

thank you for your concern. Yes, some "alone time" does help. comming here reminds me that there are others of "like mind" and I dont feel like the struggles are mine alone. when I read a few weeks ago about your struggles in employment with AS, it varified a fear that I had. I had told my mom about what had happened, and she couldnt believe that it was done because of the legal ramifications. South Carolina is a "right to work" state, so employers can (and some times do) make any reason they want to eliminate a person so it wouldnt be much of a long shot to have that same thing happen here. I think the lack of education on autism on the part of the general public is the culprate. I am looking into conducting a training class in my vol. department on how to deal with autistic patients on medical calls and what to expect behavior wise across the specrtum. The SC autism foundation has a program that I can implement. We have an adult care facility in our area that has several autistic residents, as well as some others in the fire district that I know about (my preacher has 2 HFA boys and I'd bet a million dollars that hes an Aspie too). I think if I can perhaps "pad" the folks I work with with the correct facts about autism BEFORE there is a question posed by the company dr, then their support will help. I hope anyhow. even it it doesnt, I will have educated a few more people. ( I thought of this stratgy last night). I call the dr today to make an apointment.... (crosses fingers for luck) I hope that it comes out okay. I dont know what would be worse, being told that my quirkyness is just my being nuts or being told that its AS and having reprocussions from that.... We will see....

I wont take another antidepressant anyhow because of the weight gain I experience on everything I have tired. Anxiety and Depression I have been diagnosed with already, it CAN be an issue, but so far no one here has had a problem with it. I refuse to take anything that can make me sleepy, gain weight, or make me moody. My Dr knows this. What he doesnt know is about the developmental dyspraxia and sensory intergration stuff (thought its documented deep in my files, he, since he is new, I doubt has seen that letter)

There isnt anything wrong with just being a firefighter, but my family thinks I should "expand my horizons". Thank you for your advise, that may be the route I take, I need to try to see what rights I have if Im diagnosed and if they can legally deny me if the dx is found AFTER I have been employed....

Coming from another AS female, I honestly have to say (and granted this is not a professional opinion, although an educated one), that kind of meltdown doesn't sound AS or neurological. It may be related to a mood disorder, but I strongly suspect it's hormonal, and think you ought to talk to you GP about getting a referral to see an endocrinologist. I would strongly recommend doing this if you have other symptoms of an hormonal problem like:

- if you have noticed having these kinds of meltdowns started or increased in severity since puberty
- abnormally low body fat, problems with obesity since childhood, or highly variable weight (like rapid weight losses and gains)
- ovarian cysts, or sharp pains in your lower abdomen (where your ovaries are) while ovulating or during your period that aren't typical menstrual cramps
- abnormal amount of body hair, unually thick/coarse body hair or body hair where women don't normally have it, since puberty
- severe PMS symptoms, irregular periods/missed periods, heavy menstrual bleeding or large menstrual clots
- unexplained dark patches or growths on the skin
- frequent migrinaes, cluster headaches, or other reoccuring headaches
- chronic or reoccuring acne, especially if on other parts of the body as well as face, is cystic, or doesn't seem to be preventable, diet-related or responsive to typical acne medication
- strange phases of always being hungry despite eating enough, or severely variable appetite
- abnormally high blood sugar level, or unusuallyly high or low blood pressure level
- have tried/are trying to get pregnant but have be unsuccessful

Also if you have a family history (specifically among other female relatives) of diabetes, heart disease ( esp. with high cholestorel, trigylcerides or blood pressure that required meds to control or wasn't responsive to meds), thyroid problems, adrenal problems/Cushing's, ovarian cysts, infertility, severe PMS/mentrual symptoms, or obesity.

It's my experience that women with AS have a high rate of a comorbid hormonal problems, including ovarian cysts, hypo- or hyperthyroidism and Cushing's. In most cases, if untreated these conditions not only make life more difficult or uncomfortable, but can lead to other more severe health problems. I have had ovarian cysts since puberty, which are due to my body producing too much insulin,, and over the years this can also caused me to have abnormal thyroid and adrenal functions, weight problems, fatigue, moodiness, hypersensitivity, magrianes, allergies, etc. So even if you are skeptical, it might be a good idea to look into this, even if to just rule it out.

I think your reaction was normal, AS or no AS. You repeatedly told your family members not to do certain things that upset you yet they ignore you and when you do get mad, they put all the blame on you saying that you're the one ruining Christmas. That's bull and they and you know that. You were just angry that you weren't being honored and just because you're different, you were made a convenient scapegoat to excuse their inconciderate behavior.

That really pisses me off they're treating you like that and I don't blame you one bit for getting upset. Now, they want you to get a diagnosis that could possibly take away the only thing you enjoy in life and they don't care about how it affects you? Oh please! If I were you, I'd be outraged instead of guilty or afraid and tell them I'm an adult an it's my business whether I'm diagnosed or not.

The reason why you probably don't see this is because they've been doing this to you all your life and you've just learned to take the blame and the consequences. If you seek a diagnosis, do it for the right reasons, not because your parents are pressuring you to do what they want you to do. It's time, even if they don't honor your needs that you start honoring them yourself and therefore, standing up for your right to be respected as a grown woman with the same need for peace as everyone else in your family.

Cade,
That is an avenue I have persued in the past. But the Dr assured me that it was depression and left it at that. I am in the process of getting some other things looked into as of today after a visit to the dr. I hope that some answers forthcomming. Thank you for the info. Is there a website that has some of those comorbid factors listed? I'd love tolook at that.

nirrti_rachelle,
Yea I was pissed. I havent talked to my younger sis again yet about the camera thing, but everyone thinks Im rediculous about it. But since she left christmas, there havent been anymore problems. I think I let her push buttons, and she knows that all she has to do is cry foul and Im the villan. Being in the "party atmosphere" and the "house remodeling" didnt help. I went to the dr today (on my own accord) for my ears, and I asked him about aspergers. He looked at the paperwork I had in hand and said I was probly AS, but he didnt know enough to diagnose for sure and recomended a good shrink (at my request). He thinks that if that is the issue that might be the root of many of my problems (mentally and socially speaking) and he thinks that might be a start in getting things straignetend out. He said he is going to find more about the AS too. Thank you for the input and concern. I have taken it to heart.

You just posted what I was thinking. I easily can see an NT person reacting like that to an annoying younger relative/houseguest.

Selfish, AS-sounding tangent: stories like this make me realise how much I don't really miss my family, even at Christmas when all the normals are going home to theirs and it feels like they're throwing it in your face.

I miss the idea of family, not the actual thing I grew up with.

Sounds like sensory overload to me - having to hug people when that feels like chewing foil, getting more and more stressed by things other people find happy.
I hate having my picture taken too, but I bet I am older than you - I've gotten used to it enough that with warning, I can tolerate it.
I have stopped telling people I have aspergers because no one understands. Instead I share information on a need to know basis. In my part time job I am having a hard time because people come into the office and have no problems just laying their hands on me. So I have started asking them not to and telling them I have a sensory integration disorder. When people are distressed that I don't remember who they are, I tell them I have prosopagnosia. I also tell people that I am really shy.
It really is too bad about the other job. It provided a lot of what I might otherwise have to ask for as an accomodation of a handicap. But the people are much better at the part time job.
In terms of the biological stuff, I found it interesting that many of the symptoms attributed to hormonal stuff also occur with celiac disease, which is strongly linked to autism. My symptoms are much worse when I have had a gluten exposure. For maximum relief a gluten free/casein free diet is recommended, but I am still working on the gluten (wheat oats barley rye malt). I probably will work on the casein (milk products) later this year.
Braintalk communities has a very good aspergers forum as well as a celiac disease forum and they share information.
Probably too much information, hope it helps, or some of it, or something.