12 yr old aspie and baby on the way

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I have a 12 year old son with AS and we are expecting another baby in August. He is very happy and excited about this and has been very accepting of it all so far. What other things can I do to make this transition any easier? What about right when the baby is born and it is a chaotic time? What little things did you do for the older sibling to still make him feel included. He did make a comment to me that he didn't want to be ignored when the baby came. Thanks for any input!! !!

Wow, it seems like your son is taking it much better than I would have. If my parents were having a baby when I was 12, I would have probably jumped out of a building headfirst. Heck, I lived on the third floor of an apartment building at the time, which is high enough to well... prevent me from having to go through the mental anguish of being the reject of the family. My parents were always emotionally cold with me, so if they another kid, I'd be relegated to the status of "some short person who keeps bothering us".

Now, with the dark humor out of the way, here are some DO'S and DON'TS.

DO
* Ask your son to help you take care of the baby. (as in really help, and not just be a janitor/delivery boy/garbage man)
* Provide a private space for your son that the baby is forbidden to enter
* Allow your son to have a number of "untouchable" things, which he is not required to share with the baby
* Designate a day, or at least a few hours, to spend solely with your son, while the baby is with relatives or a babysitter
* Tell the visitors to at least acknowledge your older son before paying attention to the baby

DON'T
* Run to the baby at the first sign of crying while you're helping your older son (excluding situations that are clearly urgent)
* Demand that your son shares his personal possessions with the baby
* Let your baby cry for a long time; you might find the sound somewhat endearing, but it's very irritating for your older child
* Don't be mentally focused on the baby when spending time with your son; kids that age have a way of telling
* Keep shushing your son whenever the baby is asleep; it's actually better for babies to be accustomed to low-level noise while sleeping

I like the list above. At 12 your son can be an important part of the baby's life, and he should be given that choice. If he wants it. Encourage him to accept real responsibility - that may be hard for you, I was SUCH a mommy bear with my second, and you know he is going to do a lot of stupid things, but he is at the age he can grow a lot from being given the trust.

The main thing I think of in the way of preparation is information, information, information. Our kids like the world to be as expected so the more they know what to expect, the better. Don't hold back: tell him about witching hours, trips that get delayed due to diaper explosions, moms who forget things out of sheer exhaustion, and so forth. Make it clear the baby will be born with it's own personality and it's own way, and that nothing can prepare any of you for exactly what that will be, so it's best to keep the visions and dreams of what will happen to a minimum. My son was 3 1/2 when his sister was born and he thought he was getting a playmate ... um, not so much, lol, and that took him a while to adjust to. And her needs are still and always will be a huge strain on his sensory issues ... so that is something your son will need to be prepared for. But, at the same time, they can be so wonderful for each other. It's truly one of those mixed blessing things and your son will probably feel exactly that way about it once the reality sets in.

clinically your son will either be a) a loving, caring angel b) a jealous, evil sibling

so include your son washing the baby when it comes home
encourage your AS son to hold the baby, hold the hand and so on
have the AS son visit you and hold the baby in the post-op are after you deliver/have c-section

feel free to pm me and i can tell you what i know.

my 12 year old cousin is having a difficult time with jealousy because his aunt has another child

jeff 22 usa

I have a 9 year old Aspie son, and I had a baby 10 months ago. We also have a 12 year old NT daughter.

My son was THRILLED when we found out we were having another baby. At first he was disappointed when we found out it was a girl, but he warmed up to the idea and I have to tell you - he is absolutely and thoroughly in love with his baby sister. He is SO good with her, it's amazing - and for that reason alone I am so glad we ended up with such a big surprise! We included our son in everything from day one. I think that we've always been very loving with both my son and his older sister, so I don't really think there was every any doubt that we'd continue loving him. We also tried very hard to keep our older kids on the same schedule, so that although yes - there was a new baby in the house, we didn't stop them from doing the same activities they've always done. Our new little one just had to get on board with the way the rest of the house worked! (and she has done beautifully)

That's not to say there haven't been trying moments. When the baby was really new, she did not enjoy the car and would cry a lot - and my son has trouble with loud noises (even music), so that was always a bit of a challenge - but we got through it. My son would also really try to handle the baby and carry her all over (still does), but we were very careful to give him limits on when and where he could carry her, just because he's still kind of little and the baby is getting bigger all the time - naturally we don't want an accident. The trick is that we want him to be involved and love her, but be willing to respect the limits and still be encouraged to be a great big brother, which he is.

Good luck - I promise it can really work and it might even bring out the best in your son!!