Do Aspies have a chance at a meaningful relationship?

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I've been reading a lot about Asperger's Syndrome in my off-time, particularly how they (we) handle relationships with others. One of the biggest problems that NTs mention about Aspies is that they dont show empathy for them, and their relationships feel empty. Of course, this stems from we not being able to read nonverbal cues (and thus reflect them) as well as NTs, but some of them dont know that, or do know it and still feel empty because of it.

I've read that most Aspies grow up living a solitary life because they cant make connection, or if they do get married, it usually goes astray because of the problems associated with AS. It makes me worried because even in the best case scenario, I will end up beind divorced. Sometimes I wonder if AS problems are already evident with me, because looking back, I can think of many places where it may have looked like I was being "cold" or "unemotional" to people because I didnt know how to express myself.

What do all the rest of you think about this? Do most people with AS get the same vibe from reading about their syndrome? Have any members of this forum beaten the odds, and established a successfull relationship with their siginificant other, or friends? It seems that most NTs dont hold a high regard for people with AS because of their inability to commuincate or understand them. Are there others that feel different?

It is a lot harder. But it does happen. Some aspies do find love in lasting relationships. I think the most important thing is to find some other way to let your S.O. know how you feel about them, if you can't express it in the normal way....

We are coming up on our 20th anniversary....so far so good.

I thought a lot about this shortly after I was diagnosed earlier this year, and I came to the conclusion that, for me, it's not that I can't empathize or connect with someone, it's that I do so in a different way. Instead of a shoulder to cry on, my friends get a knee.

You could try to think about how it is that you express things like affection, interest, compassion etc...and if necessary, explain that that is how you express yourself and that it's no less meaningful.

In terms of romantic relationships, I think my problems stem more from previous ones (if you can call them that)...trusting people who ultimately just wanted to sleep with me, being told I was always going to be someone's object...yuck.

So...basically, if you're with someone and they complain about the relationship feeling empty, help them figure out how you display empathy, emotion, etc. (for example, when someone compliments me or says something otherwise nice to me, I make a patronizing face or flip them off; now my friends understand that I'm not being rude, I'm just acknowledging their comment.)

Wow, wandering all over the place. I hope some of that was helpful.

My Father-In-Law (HFA) and my Mother-In-Law have been happily married for over 40 years.
; )

I think it is possible for Aspies to have meaninful relationships. The problem is finding someone willing to humor you as we struggle with non-verbal communication and/or stimming. I don't mean to sound cynical or pessimistic, but people who put up with those things AND are decent (i.e. not unhealthy and/or desperate to the point of infirminity, mentally or physically) AND have the same life goals as you do are going to be...a rather rare breed themselves.

However, I have found some qualities of AS as extremely beneficial in relationships. For instance: I typically date people I know...and people I know are usually on the Debate Team--and the team routinely faces ethical evidence challenges at tournaments and financial instability as we have very little funding. I have gotten more than a few girlfriends out of my teammates because I *appear* calm during these crises--they see it as a sign of strength. Usually, I have no problem being stone faced most of the time...usually it's my pacing that makes them come unglued.

Another thing I have found beneficial is that as part of AS, I tend to cherish my relationships in a way that many NTs don't. I can't explain it really, but most of my girlfriends really appreciated the focus I give them--ironically, though, this can intimidate some people and they can push away from you.

Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is, AS has some unique strengths that if you can harness them in the right light, can actually encourage people to date you--and thus persuade them to humor us as we have a hard time in other areas.

I am an Aspie married to an NT and I was feeling the same way after doing some reading on Aspies and relationships. However, my husband and I have learned that as long as we communicate, we are okay. Some days are better than others, as in any relationship, and I do take special handling sometimes, particular when I am overstimulated and emotional. One wrong word or look can send me into a meltdown. The trick is avoiding the meltdowns, b/c it is much easier to salvage the rest of the day or week even.

There are many things my husband is frustrated by, but he frustrates me just as much, so we are even.

Tallgirl.

I'm aspie and married to an NT. Actually we have been together for 21 years.
Our relationship is unique but every relationship is unique.

He cannot "read" me so I have to verbally tell him - happy, sad, in mood for sex, etc. and he has to be equally verbal as I cannot read him either. Generally we communicate better than most couples because of this.

We keep seperate finances, etc. That way finances don't get thrown into the emotional stuff. In general issues like finances seem to cause more problems with NT couples than the intemacy stuff.

We also agreed early on that adding a child or children to the mix would be a bad idea as it only complicates dealing with each other and requires more rationing of resources. Finding someone who did not want kids was critical to a sucessful relationship.

I have AS and I'm engaged to someone with AS and it's been wonderful. I don't know about other people with AS, but I know for me that I actually feel a great deal of empathy and form very strong connections with certain people (especially my fiance), it's just that I feel too uncomfortable around most people to express these things fully because I don't really understand them very well and they don't understand me. I know for myself that it's all a matter of perception-I have both empathy and the ability to form strong connections but most people don't see it because I can't express it very well with them. For me it was all a matter of finding just the right person, someone who understood me at a deep level and who I understood at a deep level and who I could express those things with, and I did We have always communicated so well and have been honest with each other right from the start, and we very quickly grew comfortable around each other and got to the point where we could tell each other anything. We understand each other so well and share many of the same quirks. As someone else mentioned above, we usually either want to or have to communicate openly and honestly to our partners about things and I think this is something that can greatly benefit any relationship I've had a few NT friends who I've been able to be pretty open with, and I've been able to do that with my family, but for the most part it's extremely difficult for me, so I'm so glad that I've found my fiance.

I think so. though we've just started our relationship, I really like her. She is NT, but grew up with a brother who has AS so seems to understand a bit. She understands my lack of social sense and tries to vocalize everything to make herself easy to read. I really love her alot and she loves me too. However, it all depends on the person. I think meaningful AS, NT relationships are possible, but it requires understanding between the two of you.

I'm Aspie and my wife is NT. We're coming up on 18yrs of marriage. I think the key to a successful marriage, wether Aspergers is in the mix or not, is to choose wisely. If you're going to be spending the rest of your life with someone, it should be someone you don't ever want to be away from.
I think it takes a very special and caring NT to be married to an Aspie. Last night my wife mentioned that she has always found my weirdness adorable. That was the first time in the 19yrs I've known her that she ever gave any indication that she found any of my behaviour "weird". The discussion came about because she had bought some new bedding that she said she absolutely loved. It was BRIGHT yellow and all I could think about was getting out of the room. She asked me what I thought of it. I said I can live with it thinking "well, I'll only come in here when its dark or I'll wear sunglasses or close my eyes to get to the bathroom". I guess she could see it was bothering me because she kept pressing, encouraging me to fess up. Finally, I told her how I felt and she said "OK, I'll find something else". She gave up what she wanted because me being able to come in the room with the lights on was more important to her than having the room decorated a certain way. She is the standard to which other NT wives should aspire.

I consider myself to be in a meaningful romantic relationship currently. I think the best thing that I personally was able to do to initially get into it was to feel short-term stupid and ask things which "normal" people understand intuitively to be explained (especially getting around my physical contact issues, which have since vanished in the relationship and diminished otherwise).

I also consider many of my friendships to be meaningful. I'm a pretty intense person, so when I'm friends with someone, I can care about them a great deal. I self-disclose in friendships pretty easily too (and have a virtual mental warehouse full of jokes for other occasions).

Unfortunatly, I havent been in a relationship since middle school (Im 21 now). I have been getting better at talking to people and listening since then, but I think I still have a long way to go. I've just been reading and almost every place mentioned Asperger's as being incompatible with marriage or love and that kind of bums me out. Am I doomed to the same fate?

For those who are in a relationship, did you actively seek a partner out, or did you "run into" them?

Well im hopeless, its all lost for me. I used to be an optomistic person, and someone told me wemon like that. but now im pessimistic because all my hopes were crushed by alot of things, including my parents and other people putting me down every day.

everytime i asked a girl out, the answer is always no. well.. ok so its usualy "NO!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!"

once it was "NO YOU UGLY UGLY BOY!" infront of the whole class.