I can't stand my past. It sucks.

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It's just so hard not to think of my high school life. When I was treated like crap, being teased and all that stuff. And I was promised that College was going to be different, and I assure you it's not.

I still get called a weirdo, a freak. I'm so sick of being taken advantage of. I'm still as vulnerable as always. I still don't have the social qualities needed to succeed in life.

I can't stop remembering all the really dumb mistakes I make. Mistakes that even a normal thinker would never make. If only there was a way to forget it all. To remember absolutely nothing of my childhood.

You can not change the past. Either move far away from where the past occurred or learn to live with the memories.

I agree with the OP.

I also agree with Fnord. I'm planning on option one.

Join the club. I actually can't remember the lowest portions of my childhood... roughly ages 7-12. I even withdrew from middle school in 6th grade, only to sit in my room for three years playing video games, leaving once every three months for orthodontist appointments. But...

Once I decided to go back for the start of high school I went from having zero friends and overweight/dirty to 7% body fat and cleaner by the second semester of 9th grade thanks to football/wrestling. Apparently losing weight and playing sports somehow makes you more acceptable... because by the next year I had more friends than I had ever had before. A year later this doubled, and by senior year I had convinced myself that I was socially adept and somewhat attractive as I was told by one of my better friends who always tried to help me in that area.

Of course, my " socially adept " quality was just me being quiet and whatever else I did that amused people. I never tried, or knew what I was doing. And I was obviously not happy... this trend continued until the start of this year, when I had epiphany after epiphany, and realized that what was wrong was not in me... but rather everyone else, and in my location.

The three years spent sleeping during the day and playing video games like everquest and half-life(tfc+cs) all night, with my three online friends, were the best of my life so far. I managed to climb the social ladder like it was a complicated puzzle and it never made me remotely happy. The backstabbings and constantly having my kindness manipulated and taken advantage of just made me increasingly cold, bitter and lonely.

It's hard enough convincing the people I actually care about that I really do care about them. And even harder when I try to display interest in my " friends " who I occasionally drink with and go to party's with.

I need to stop ranting and get to the point... POINT = You are a cat in dogtropolis. And anytime you try to fit in or play along the dogs change the rules. Even your most trusted dog friends will manipulate or trick you for their own selfish needs. So what I am finding out is that the best thing to do is make friends with " cats ".


P.S. Sorry if some or a lot of this post was incoherent. I haven't gotten all that much sleep lately.

Well said, sir!

All you can really do is learn from your past. Believe me, if they came out with a pill the resets your long term memory, I'd take it without hesitation. Until then, try to get over those memories by not being that way anymore and using them as guidelines to shape your new way of living.

Chimcar, stay around on WP. It's the best help for all the problems you listed. Another thing that helped me a lot was observing others ad nauseam till I started understanding what people are about and how they go about getting what they want/need and avoiding what they don't want/need. The more Theory of Mind you have, the better you'll fare. And develop yourself in areas unrelated to humans; let that be your source of pride and dignity.

You sound a lot like I did about ten years ago. Something about the workplace that just recapitulates highschool/middleschool...I can't say that I've accepted things as they are, I haven't. But I have found some people, here and there, who are accepting of me, and who are genuinely nice. Of course they're the exception and not the rule. By and large, we live in a culture that demands conformity, expects beauty and rewards driven extroverts. Sad but true.

I identify with this.
For me it was from about 5 to 12 years old.

The strange thing was that all the "bad stuff" seemed to happen either when I was in school or when I was forced to interact with an unstructured, chatting crowd of people. Kids ostracised me partly because I was socially overwhelmed and confused; and partly because I was receiving "help". Most of the really "bad" stuff actually originated from subtle targeted bullying by some members of staff or fear/ignorance/negativity about AS at the time. There was a bullying culture at that school so I don't think it was just me that was affected.

Some really great stuff happened to me when I went round family members houses, went on roller-coasters or went on holiday. Basically where people accepted me as who I was and made some allowances without labeling me. They let me have my own space. People treated me like a normal little girl, not a subhuman "problem" to be fixed.

Also some of my sports/outdoor activities coaches were far more motivating and positive towards me than my PE teachers were. It was crazy, it was like I was somehow meant to be a different person whenever I entered school. I was the same person: the environment was just different, that was all. The reality was that the outdoor/sports activities people didn't know about my AS assessment, so weren't afraid like the people at school were.

The irony was that I could go to independently run activities very easily (all my parents had to do was book me on the courses), but it was a real battle for anyone to accept me on any extra-curricular school activities. I guess this was because some staff at school were afraid of medical terminology and how they believed that this would render me "incapable".

The outdoor activities were fairly mechanical, even if the social parts were tricky at times. All I had to do was follow instructions on how to use equipment and I was fine. They were great exercise too, so gave me a positive sense of fulfillment which made my anger begin to evapourate.

The video games actually helped calmed me down during term time. Ages 7-12 were probably some of the best gaming experiences of my life. I honestly don't know how I would have coped alone without all that entertainment in the house. Any surplus anger I had was taken out on the game baddies and used to formulate strategies, not release the anger in real life. It's very cathartic to have a virtual punch-bag that you won't get into trouble for walloping virtually if you're angry . I also learned the arts of self control, discipline, determination and problem solving from those games. The games also gave me a sense of fulfillment which I didn't get from constantly failing Maths and English at school.

It's kind of ironic, how a few simple platforming adventure games, bought as entertainment, helped me regain academic control of my life and learn perseverance.

I was a girl at that time. I just wonder how common that was considering that most games were aimed at boys.

You guys are all under 25, aren't you? Only people with so much future ahead of them can spend so much time whining about things that are OVER AND DONE WITH, can't be changed and don't matter anymore.

I'm so sorry that none of you have EVER HAD A SINGLE PLEASANT OR POSITIVE MOMENT IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES. As long as you waste emotional energy wallowing in misery over events that are GONE, you're not likely to notice any bright moments in your tomorrows, either. Eeyores. Sheesh!

Actually, I'll be 52 by the end of this week.

If someone has enough time and energy to complain about something, then they have enough time and energy to deal with it.

I dare you to make less sense. Or to fit anymore assumptions into that poorly thought out attack.


" spend so much time whining about things "

So much time? I'm willing to bet that the others who posted here so rarely " whine " about the past that it would be viewed as absurd or unbelievable to most people.

" That are OVER AND DONE WITH, can't be changed and don't matter anymore. "

Confrontation of your past is essential to any understanding of your present. You apparently do not feel the need to ask or play out in discussion the " why " aspect of things that are over and done with. I never whine about anything... everything I discuss about my past is in a rational calm manner where I try to understand it more... with the intention of finding a solution or to better my future.

" I'm so sorry that none of you have EVER HAD A SINGLE PLEASANT OR POSITIVE MOMENT IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES. "

Haha... liar. Also, HUGE assumption. You have no idea what any of the posters have been through. A paragraph or two is not an appropriate basis for that level of personal judgment.

"As long as you waste emotional energy wallowing in misery over events that are GONE, you're not likely to notice any bright moments in your tomorrows, either. Eeyores. Sheesh!"

What the hell? Are you joking or insane?

Now now, Willard. They're under 25. They won't understand what we're talking about for another decade.

He's right though. Do yourself a favor and look into improving your own life and your own skills and quit wasting your time and resources on the past that's over and done with.

Move the F' On and SMILE! (You're going to be standing there breathing in and out anyway, why not smile while you're at it?)

That's not true in my case.

Read the above post.
It clearly states that even my bad times were interspersed with some very good times.

Someone told me to write things here to get them off my chest. At the time there was really no one else to turn to and I assume this is also true of the other posters.

If we don't say anything, no-one will ever know or make the effort to be understanding about these issues in the future.

Also, some of the socialising issues from back then still affect me now. If I ignored the fact that I have these issues, how will I be able to make the effort to improve?

I appreciate that it is counterproductive to whine excessively, but I honestly don't believe that I was intentionally whining, just sharing my experiences.

As for my past, I really thought it was "over and done with" until people began asking awkward questions about why I couldn't function well in group based discussions and going through my records.

You'll find that the vast majority of us have experienced the same things (even in the work place in some circumstances). Time will heal all wounds. You have to move on and focus on making your life better. Trust me if you focus on your past too much it will only hold you back. I went to a rural school for awhile that was like being in prison. I was frequently physically attacked. As strange as it sounds, when I came to a school in the suburbs where kids simply ignored or rejected me it felt so much better then being beat up and physically attacked. It still hurt though....

i'm 26, and still getting over it...interestingly, i think my brain decided enough was enough and i started seeing all of those memories in the 3rd person, like i was watching myself doing all of this...

i can only tell you what has worked for me....change yourself, change your name, your appearance, what music you like, every facet about you...become someone completely different...completely reject society for a while and then go back to it, but only accepting people ON YOUR OWN TERMS....be depressed for a few years, become an egomaniac, it's fun...then stumble across a female who actually understands you, start going out, get some councilling and take it from there...

and yes, if i saw any of those school bullies again i would put them on life support...they need to pay...

i hope you deal with the road that lies ahead of you better than i have done, and can learn from some of my mistakes...x