Suicidal Ideation as a fuzzy, daily constant

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Now my issue is...
I am so used to living with suicidal ideation as a kind of white noise constant in my life that i am amazed when it is not there. Like this afternoon. The only thing that alleviates my sense of often wanting to end it is my work/special interest.
Most of the time suicidal thought hovers around like a kind of buzzard; a persistent possibility or likely prospect.
I am quite analytical about this and not into a kind of doom and gloom scenario.

Does anyone else live with it in close proximity in this way?

come on..spill the beans...there has to be someone aside from my dear self who experiences something similar...?

Every second if I'm not totally concentrating on something.

Only around that time of the month.

yes. that is how i am. The only thing that alleviates it for me is music and my special interest/obsession.
it is there all the time.
I don't do it because of my son.

Exactly the same here, although in the months up until Christmas I was thinking about it daily, whereas now it's more once a week or so.

rip-roaring bunch of little bandits, aren't we?

It's probably to do with the difficulties we face. The mind can only take so much till it starts wondering when it's going to stop, and suicide can stop the difficulty/pain as far as I'm aware (as well as everything else).

Yes, yes, a permanent solution for a temporary problem; one catch, Autism ain't temporary.

yes. similar line of thinking to my own.
I like who I am, and i like how i experience the world.
But i do find life very difficult and I am in my 47th year and it never really has been easy or peaceful...never...as an overall and all-pervading sensibility.

Flashes of it... and i love my painting. But so much struggle around small, apparently menial tasks and things.

If there's a possible way to die without pain, I'll choose that willingly. I have no mental or physical illness. I just don't wanna be frustrated. If it is more than a suicidal pain, I'll choose suicide. I think it's reasonable.

Thats what I said to my friend when he quoted that at me.

It really bugs me when people say cliche 'psycho babble' to 'cheer people up'.

I always have suicide on my mind, following me around. I agree that its because of our autism and I think it is a permanant thing. I think that those without autism can get fulfilment in life from social friendships and relationships, where as that sort of thing is foisted on us but we get no benefit from it.

I dont know why people are so 'snotty' about suicide as we are all going to die at some point so why are they so anti people speeding up the process. And people say its about the people who care who we might leave behind, but everyone was delighted when my dad died, I cant imagine they would be that upset when I died and anyway I will die eventually and they will have to deal with it then so why not now.

I am dealing with suicidal thoughts by just continuing to put it off, as I can always do it another day. Im going to try and prioritse my special interests so that life is nicer, too many dam chores in life, thats the trouble.

Yes and often.

Use to have other ways to compensate for this problem but then it progressed something greater than what I imagined.

The first thoughts seem illogical yet the ONLY relief from it all. I've had many problems explaining this to psych doctors and therapists.

It always starts with an opening question: "Why do you do it?" and I never can find an answere to it. The only words that do come into mind is "I feel trapped."

I've always said that and that is the only feeling I get from it.

No. I have a ridiculously dangerous instinct of self-preservation.

Personally, I think the narrow interest "saves" a lot of people with Asperger's from killing themselves (and/or, in some cases, a person that makes it all worth it--it's so hard learning to know someone, and to speak in terms of value, they're worth the price of learning to know them, and living for them).

I too have a strong survival instinct. I also realize that others are the cause of my problems and not myself.

Last edited by timeisdead on 05 Apr 2009, 5:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

What is the point of suicide if it's OTHERS who make you miserable? Why should YOU be the one to go? That's letting them win.

NO. It has little to do with others and letting anyone else win.
it is all about an incessant brain that does NOT STOP thinking, about a body that rarely stops SENSING in a manner that is hyper.

I see where you are coming from, but what you are saying sets up an antagonism and that is not what this thread is about.

i like my AS. But i also know i am very locked in at times and i am driven, obsessive, routined and rigid. I have sensory difficulties. I do not connect well with people in an empathic way. I can feign. But i do not really connect.

it is not about US and THEM.

It is about ME. and it is about AS and being 46 and being tired of the same struggles all the time. The internal struggles. The meltdown over the frigging toothpaste lid on the toothpast because THOSE things are like living hell for me sometimes.
wanting to be hugged but not being able to be because i cannot stand it for longer than a few seconds without overwhelm.
the list goes on....