angry and depressed

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it has not been a good couple of days, and of course there's no way to relate everything that has led up to this point. in a nut shell, my husband has psychiatric problems (as to i, other than the AS), and he's not getting better and self-medicating with alcohol and that leads to more problems as he's a recovering alcoholic.

we've been married 17 years and the first 10-11 were okay. he had long term sobriety and was doing relatively well. the last 5 or so years though have not been good at all. he has needed a lot of help and hasn't gotten it. a lot of it wasn't his fault. we live in a very rural area and there's not much in regards to mental health. before the last couple of years, there was only one agency that would even accept medicaid (mental health agency), and they had a monopoly in all the adjacent counties. he has been to the er numerous times to go inpatient only to be turned away by the staff psychiatrist of that agency which makes the crisis calls for this county (and adjacent counties). he's even tried to go to the state hospital without any luck because again it is up to that one agency to be the gateway.

it's just gotten to the point that i can't deal with it anymore. i knew steve was going to drink. he started off tuesday with his crazy talk and i knew then he would relapse. sure enough the next day not long after i left the house, he left. my son and i happened to pass his truck at a bar. not wanting him to get a dui, we took the truck. he was not happy with me, but about a year ago he was arrested for a dui and is still on probation for it. then a few months ago he relapsed and i had to have 911 out here. after he gets off of the one probation, he'll be on probation for another year for that charge of domestic battery (he is not violent, but when he drinks he becomes a different person).

so sure enough he got picked up last night for public intoxication. at least it's not a dui though. i'm glad i took the truck away from him. but of course now i've got to deal with all this s**t. we are both on disability and live below the poverty line. so this means more money we have to fork out (and we still have to pay for fines/court costs/probation fees for the last arrest). it may seem strange to mention money first, but when you are below the poverty line, it hurts big time!! !! plus i am at a point i don't even know if it's worth it any more.

so he's sitting in jail right now. he's called me twice today to bail him out but i haven't yet. he went to court this morning and if he plead guilty then he would have gotten 60 days (do 30), so he plead not guilty and his court date isn't until april. so he wants me to bail him out. i will at some point but not at the moment.

last time he got in trouble i checked out his disability. if he serves 30 continuous days, then his disability is temporarily suspended, so i'm going to make sure he does at least one full day and maybe more so that if he does end up serving 30 days, his disability won't be suspended (he'll get credit for whatever time he does before he's bonded out).

i'm just so tired of all of this. steve is not the same person i married. for the past five years i feel like i've been married to a phantom--and that's bad considering i'm an aspie. it's just too much for me and it's definitely too much for the kids. i just can't keep living like this. i've held on for as long as i can, and i just don't think i can do it anymore.

april

april, that's a ghastly situation to be in.

have you got any support? friends? family? anyone? in real life, i mean - there are plenty of people here who can listen, if you want to talk.

would knowing what sort of support (i mean as in social services, or whatever the US equivalent is) is available to you help? again, people on here might know that sort of thing.

in the meantime - and this is pretty feeble, sorry - all i can suggest is that you look after yourself and your kids. you're in a situation which ANYONE would find impossible, hon.

sending you hugs (if you do hugs) and any supportive thoughts you want.

Vivi

thanks vivi, i appreciate the support. i don't have much in family, at least not close by. i am beginning to know some of my aunts, but they live far away and i'm still not totally comfortable sharing everything with them. steve's family is all dysfunctional too.

of course, i don't have hardly any friends.

i do see a therapist. i'll see her monday. when steve and i were first together i went to al-anon and learned a lot. he used to go to aa a lot, but not any more. aa and al-non have both died down in this area too.

i've pretty well given up on any organized religion. seems like normally i just get shot down because i have so much trouble being around people. i send my kids, but now i don't even bother any more.

there's just not a lot in this area. i live in a very rural/farming area. and our vehicles are such that even if i wanted to drive to a larger community (and i would have to drive quite a distance and to be honest i don't think i could handle it), i wouldn't be able to.

it just really sucks.

he's called twice more tonight begging me to come and get him. i haven't yet and i think i may at least wait until morning. give him another night in jail. plus too it's so hard on me just to leave the d**n house and do this. my older son in particular is mad that i haven't bailed him out and can't understand why it's so hard on me. but it's scary to me. yeah, i did it before, but i hated it then and i hate it now!! !

and to be honest, i don't even want him here. but both of my boys' birthdays are coming up. the littlest one will be 9 in about a week, then my older boy will be 15 about two weeks after that. and i know they both want their dad there.

and even though i don't want him here, it would be super difficult for me to make it financially on my own. i only get ssi. the kids and i draw off of steve's disability, but half of our income would be gone if he leaves and we're already below the poverty line. and yet i hate the idea of letting him stay just because of the money. it just isn't right.

i don't know what i'm going to do. i hate this.
april

no, it's not right. and you have every right to feel angry and scared and exhausted and worried, and all the rest of it.

thank goodness you have your therapist to talk to tomorrow - maybe she'll have some idea of what you can do.

just do what you have to do, hon, and keep yourself safe. sorry i can't suggest anything more concrete - maybe some other members might know what sorts of services you could call on - i'm in the UK, and so have no idea.

keep talking here - i'm off to bed soon, but there are others around in your time.

i'll just keep the hugs coming, okay?

If I were I would try calling a crisis line and telling them your situation. They might be able too hook up with resources such as social services.


Im sorry you are having a rough time, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I really feel bad for your situation. The only thing I can say is that if your husband lands in jail for any drinking-related offense, don't bail him out. Let him raise the bail money and get himself out of jail. Don't try to rescue him. In the meanwhile, it would be wise to get some help--if there is an Al-Anon meeting nearby, go there. You should take care of yourself. Has your husband been going to AA meetings? Chances are that if he does not go to AA meetings, he will relapse again after he promises for the Nth time to "go on the wagon." I pray that God will get you through this situation with your husband and do what He needs to do.

he used to go to aa, but he's so bad with his psych problems that i can barely get him to leave the bedroom. he's like a permanent fixture in the bedroom. he does see a therapist, but he's so far down from where he used to be.

technically, he does have the money to bail himself out because he gets a disability check. i really don't want to bail him out, but i probably will this morning because his 90 year old mother is temporarily staying with us and i'm tired of lying to her that he's with a friend. i'm not lying to her for steve's sake, but for her sake. she's 90, bedridden, and very frail and gets upset easily.

i'm not looking forward to this at all. and i don't know what i'm going to do once he gets here. more and likely he'll take some pain pills and go to sleep. he also has really bad back problems and i know he's hurting physically because they won't give him medicine there unless i bring his prescriptions in and i haven't bothered to do it. we have a travel trailer and all his stuff is still out there from three months ago. i may kick him out there. it's nice enough for one person to live in.

i'm just so sick of everything.
april

well, i bailed him out, not because i wanted to but for his mom. she was so glad to see him. i told him he could either sit with mammy or go out to the trailer. he's in there with her right now. i'm having the kids plug in the trailer and bring the heater out there. i don't want him with me.

i think what i'm going to do is right up a set of rules for him, maybe even get it signed and notarized because we are right on the verge of divorce and maybe if it's notarized, it'll help if he decides not to follow them. i'm going to make him move out to the trailer. one of the main things is he's not going to be allowed in the bedroom. that'll be soooo hard for him, but i can't handle it any more. maybe if he's forced out of this bedroom he'll have to do something one way or the other.

i just know i can't handle it anymore!! !
april

i think that's a great idea - apart from anything else, it gives you a bit of breathing space.

as for it being hard for him... well, as you probably know, with alcoholics, you're not talking to a person most of the time, you're talking to the bottle (i know this from my dad, and my work with drug abusers). you and your kids have to be your main priority right now, because you haven't go the energy to deal with your husband as well.

good for you, for finding a solution, whether it's temporary or permanent. one day at a time, and all that.

hang on in there, hon you're doing brilliantly.

thanks vivi,

i think right now it's the best that i can do. we both have therapy monday, so maybe our two therapists and i can get together and try to work something out. it'll be hard on him out in the trailer because he has basically spent the last five years in the bedroom because of his psych problems (depression, ptsd, social phobia, etc). i'm just tired of it all. the past five years have been a living nightmare. he's had one suicide attempt, an involuntary committment, several times that he should have been committed and wasn't, and then these stupid relapses. i just can't take it any more.
april

(((April)))
I was married to an alcoholic for 10 years. He got his third DUI when my youngest daugther was one. When I found out he was in jail, that was the last straw. In my head, I made the instant decision that if he didn't stop drinking completely, the marriage was over. When he got out of jail he stopped drinking cold turkey. Then he started smoking pot and gambling daily, while I worked full time raising two young daughters. So I did end up divorcing him. He's remarried, to an alcoholic, and he started drinking again and has managed to wrack up enough DUI's to lose his license. I hope for good. Still drinking though.l Alcoholism sucks.. I"m just telling you this to let you know you're not alone. And I want to commend you for not being codependent and for setting really good boundaries.

I do have two ideas for you:
1. Check out rehab programs. I know you don't have much money,but I'll bet you can find one that will take your state insurance. Here's a place I used to work, they might be able to refer you: http://camprecovery.com/

2. AA is HUGE on the web. At any time of day or night you can find an AA meeting online. All you need is a mic (ten bucks at walmart) and you and he can participate in realtime meetings. They're the bomb. Start with Yahoo groups till you find one that does online meetings.

Take care of yourself. Don't worry about losing his money. He's more of a liability than an asset .

thanks for sharing aylissa,

the on-line aa meetings can be spoken instead of typed? i ask because he basically can only peck type VERY slowly. his typing and spelling skills have been a real hindrance to him using the computer.

things are very tense right now, but he is beginning to realize my stand on things. he asked last night if he could sleep in the living room with mammy (his mom) instead of the trailer. i allowed that since someone has to sleep with her each night and we take turns. even if one of the kids was sleeping out with mammy and he wanted to sleep in their bed, i would allow it, so long as he's not in my room.

he's had a bit of a problem staying out of the bedroom, but considering he basically lived there for five years, it wasn't too bad. he knows he's not welcome there.

supposedly he is at an aa meeting right now. i say supposedly because that used to be his excuse to go out and drink. i have always said i would never stop him from going to an aa meeting, so he got to the point he would say he was going and i would encourage it, then he'd go out and drink. i do hope he is there. guess i'll know when he comes back.

he asked me before he left if he could go. i told him i appreciated him telling me ahead of time but that he really didn't have to ask because if it weren't for his mom we would be separated right now.

it's just so hard right now. i get angry just looking at him. we will probably definitely need to work with our therapists and get some things written out so that we each have clear boundaries and goals.

i just want all of this over with so bad right now. i'm sick of it all.
april

keep going, hon - you've done masses already. it's probably going to be a slow process, sorting everything out, but do it a bit at a time, and remember you have friends here when you have one of those inevitable days when it's all too much, and you can't cope with anything. i have those on a regular and frequent basis, and i muddle through somehow - you're stronger than you realise - what you've already done proves that.

http://www.aalivechat.com/

check out this link for live online aa meetings. I know about these because when I tried to quit smoking last year I found an online nicotine anonymous yahoo group, and it was awesome. You buy a $10 microphone, plug into your computer, know the time of the meeting, and they do the whole thing in real time with real voices. It's really powerful being able to have conversations with 20 people in a chat room and actually hear each other. If you need any more technical or other support with this let me know, but if you want to check out the group I belonged to, and also, most of them are recovering alcoholics so they might be able to direct you to a good online chat, go to:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/voicesofnicotinerecovery/
they're an awesomely supportive group of people who would probably welcome you into their midst in order to direct you to the right place.

thanks for the info aylissa, unfortunately it isn't going to matter. steve played his old trump card by saying he was going to a meeting and then went out to drink. i got a call last night from the neighbor of a mentally handicapped couple i help saying steve was over there and had gotten them drunk. i called their apartment and sure enough that's what happened.

thing is, someone must've called the cops on him. we even knew they had called the cops because someone came over and told them. so i had steve on the phone and i told him just to stay put--so long as he was in their apartment they couldn't get him for dui or pi.

what does the dumb butt do--as soon as we are off the phone he gets in the truck and leaves and then immediately gets pulled over. at this point i don't know if he has a dui or a pi. i thought dui, but when he called from jail he said the cop gave him a break and only gave him a pi. of course he was drunk, so who knows, and i didn't feel like calling the jail to find out for sure. i'll wait for the stupid paper to come out monday.

i asked him why he left--he said he wanted to get arrested!! !! then why the h*** did he call and beg me to bail him out in the first place!! !! ! i just can't believe he did this.

last night the hurt set in. i have one friend that calls me and she stayed on the phone with me for awhile. i look terrible this morning from crying. i just can't believe all this s***.

april

oh, aprilove, please know there are many who can understand. That could have been me several years ago. I used to be a raging alcoholic. I quit for good 2 years ago, but I sure ruined a lot of things before that. I don't have a lot to say, except I understand the bottle and really feel for you. I think I've hurt people in much the same way, albeit none of my situations were as tough as yours.

I've been reading along this whole time trying to think of something to say. I finally decided *anything* would probably help. It hits pretty close to home for me. I think having an outlet is really important and we are all here to listen- I'd bet the farm there are dozens of us reading this who wish they could find a few words to offer you. I wish you the best in a hard time. Just keep at it a day at a time.
Stand strong.
With all I've got I'm pulling for you.