interesting paper on AS+NT relationships

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http://www.faaas.org/pdf/Grigg_Is_There_Hope.pdf

It's about marriage specifically, but everything applies to dating relationships too. Makes sense to me. Doesn't give me much hope, but it's interesting. The part about denial on the AS part was interesting, probably true too. I also liked the part where it said

I think that can be true.

Read it. AS + NT can work if

NT understands and accepts AS
NT spells everything out openly and immediately
AS accepts own faults and tries to become aware of them
AS listens and tries to remember
AS is willing to make effort for relationship even if it is not interesting
AS + NT get couples counseling before becoming a couple
Both AS and NT are supportive, encouraging, understanding, accepting, non-blaming, non-abusive, non-controlling, non-intrusive, and build each others self esteem

Read The Family Crucible - it explains everything in plain English.

I feel like the article makes claims that are too strong to be pertinent for most people on the spectrum. In particular, I'm thinking about how accurate the judgments he takes as facts are in characterising me. Some might be true, especially if you aren't prepared to be charitable with me. Some just don't sound like they apply to me at all. This is where I started to have differences:

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure people without Asperger's Syndrome can be interested in doing things for their own sake rather than "in the context of social connectedness". I don't see this as something they lack.

I don't think I need an interpreter. My friends are generally not interpreters, as far as I can judge. I sometimes worry about not being able to support myself if my mother and father suddenly died, but I'm a student and most people in my position probably have similar worries. This idea that I am ultimately looking into marriage for my own comfort and convenience strikes me as presumptuous.

Carol Grigg may have looked into a few case studies and may even be describing a real person, but I don't think she's described me or my hypothetical partners.

Last edited by Hector on 21 Apr 2009, 1:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree, but how likely is that to happen? Not very. Especially in today's culture.

I also read some of Carol Grigg's essays/thoughts today, and I wish I had known all this a long time ago. Maybe my husband and I would still be together.

Our son is now dxed Asperger's and I can see many traits in myself, and even more in my husband. My husband has, on the surface, acknowledged our son's dx, but recent comments have demonstrated that he really hasn't grasped its meaning and significance. I haven't even dared to suggest to my husband that he may be on the Spectrum, as I know that he would respond angrily to me for even saying it.

Our marriage was one in which we were both quite rigid and inflexible, but it is also in my nature to be compliant (my husband's sister says I was too compliant) so it was usually my husband's needs which were met and managed, rather than mine.

Pretty much everything that Carol Grigg says rings true with me, and I can see that both my husband and I display the behaviours she describes, to a greater or lesser degree.

And Space, I think you should have hope. Knowing that you are AS, and understanding and recognising the particular communication difficulties and so on which may be destructive to a relationship, is enormously significant in your being able to have a succesful and loving relationship.

Don't give up hope!

I think this is very interesting. I suspect my husband is AS, and I can relate to some things in this article very much. I agree with Learning2Survive. Many AS behaviors are missunderstood and consequently not accepted, and when I developed a new perspective it changed everything for me. From reading this website I see my husband in a whole new way. We have worked very hard on our relationship before knowing anything about AS, but since I have learned more about it I see things totally differently, and I wish I would have had this knowledge a long time ago. Is our relationship easy? Not really, but whose is? I personally think that anyone with AS can have a good relationship if you are lucky enough to find someone who understands it, and is OK with it, and someone who is relatively independent and not emotionally needy. (of course, people who are very dependant and emotionally needy are hard for NT's too) The unfortunate thing is that people are always looking for greener grass, and nobody wants to work. I agree with Space too. It's a tough culture. It's too bad people can't focus what a person brings to relationships rather than focusing on the difficulties. The right person is hard to find, but not impossible!

Thanks for the article, I think it is spot on. I have wittnessed the pain of my own marriage breakdown and have seen another AS/NT relationship suffer. What an epiphany it was when I realised that intermittent feelings of loneliness were preferable to AS/NT conflict. Aspie affection is a little misplaced:- Even if the Aspies get a partner, keeping one for life is nigh on impossible! At the moment, I don't care for partnership as it would involve faking being NT and things dissolve in tears when my true AS nature manifests. It is sad to see the NT partner frightened to point out obvious AS. Truth sets you free.

The problem IMO with case studies and assertions of this nature is that it almost assumes that NT/NT relationships are free from some of these same issues and barriers.

Find me a relationship that doens't take sheer hard work, patience, understanding of one another and acceptance of each others differences and I will find you a unicorn!

i hate pdf files but i can understand if the normal partner feels like they give more into the relationship, if i ever find a partner i hope they are also aspergers