Going for a diagnosis soon and getting very nervous indeed!

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Well, I've booked the appointment at the Ashwood Practice in Woking, so I'll be going for a diagnosis in just over a week. I've been thinking about it A LOT and realised yesterday just how nervous I am about actually going through with it. The thing is I've been doing quite a bit of research over the past couple of months to better find out if AS might apply to me. The two online tests I've done were positive (obviously this is only a vague indication and not gospel).

Anecdotes from family and friends and stuff I remember myself has all gone into a document in the form of a list, all around my social and academic development. I suppose I want to find out for a number of reasons but mainly to give myself a greater understanding of myself as I've suffered bouts of anxiety/depression throughout my adult life, have a small string of failed relationships behind me (I have a small group of very good friends who are all soon to be, or have already, settled down and having kids - unlike myself).

I have a successful career (have won many awards in a creative industry) but would probably be at board level by now if it wasn't for my complete inability to grasp office politics and my consequent blunders that have held me back (or even got me fired or put on report on occasion). I'm starting to ramble now but what I'm trying to say is I've always felt there's something different about me - the fact that my reading age was a good 2 or 3 years ahead of my peers, or that I was bullied (fortunately not too much physically [but mentally] as I've always been a big lump, even as a kid) and basically ostracised in the playground, I'd walk out of school but still passed all my exams without revising for any of them because I was too interested in reading about dinosaurs. Or, when I was 12 I did a drawing of 2 dinosaurs fighting that I took to school to show my teacher, he accused me of copying it (which I had not). I was so pissed of with him that I never did another thing in art class at school and got recommended to do 'non-exam' in art. However, I'd still been drawing like a demon at home and had a huge portfolio of work nobody had ever seen, I took this to the tutor at 6th form college (after secondary school had finished) who said I could do A Level art no problem despite having no exam from secondary school. A few years later I was given a place at Chelsea School of Art, which at the time had arguably the most prestigious sculpture department in the country - just 12 places available and literally hundreds if not thousands of applicants.

Oh dear, I'm rambling again, basically what I'm trying to say is if the diagnosis is negative then I think I'll feel pretty lost again - things won't make as much sense as they do now with a 'possible' self-diagnosis of AS. If the diagnosis is positive then I think it will help to give me a focal point, I am who I am and the reason my life (albeit a very fortunate one in comparison to some, but believe me I've worked bloody hard for it) is this way is because I have AS. Then I think I'll be better able to address some of the challenges that I still have, like the depression for example - it'll have a context and with that quite possibly less impact.

What I'm trying to say is I feel very exposed and I really, really, don't like it. I also feel as if aspects of my future are in the balance and it scares me. I really wasn't expecting to find myself here at 40 years old.

I self-diagnosed at, I think, 16. No one believed me when I said it to them (they didn't know what it was and thought I was being a hypocondriac). I got an official diagnosis at about 18. Good luck. Try to be calm. What you have said sounds like Aspie problems to me. Take care of yourself.

Hi LostAlien thank you very much for your warm wishes, I'm sure all will be OK I'm just stressing. Frankly I'm surprised that as a newish member of this community and with over 100 views of this thread only one person has bothered to offer some support. It's pretty s**t to be honest. All it takes is a simple 'hope everything turns out well' to keep the community spirit going. But at the moment I'm feeling zero love. If this place is going to be successful beyond threads about AS sensory quirks and general gossip then perhaps it needs to remember that an online community is about sharing feelings and thoughts. I thank you, not, for being so backwards at coming forward. If I am diagnosed with AS next Monday then I really don't feel like this is the place I can even share or talk about it, and that's sad.

Good luck anyways. About here, as far as I've seen, if people don't know what to say, they don't say anything. Try not to be saddened by it. Have you tried saying hi on the 'getting to know each other' part of the forum?

Take care of yourself.

Good luck, General Piffle! If you get a diagnosis, you should be able to get some support on your issues, and also some legal protections (I assume, not fmailiar with UK law.) But even if you don't, you can still work on your social skills, and here's a great place to do that, with or without a diagnosis.

I'm where you are, getting a diagnosis, maybe. Freaks me out a little bit, mainly because if it's not AS I'm back to just being an undefined freak and nowhere near a deeper understanding of myself. Also I'd rather be a freak with fellow freaks thana unique freak with nobody to understand me, you know what I mean?

Thanks to those of you who posted, I appreciate it. Went for the diagnosis today with a specialist who is used to diagnosing Asperger's in adults (I think this makes a big difference as diagnosis during childhood and developmetal stages is quite different). Anyway, the result is positive, although I'm on the mild to moderate end of the spectrum. Suddenly a whole load of things make a lot more sense, to be honest although it's still sinking in, so far, I find it quite liberating. To sum it up I'd say it simply means I'm a bit odd but not because I'm just a weirdo.

I have a wife who is bipolar and I learned many years ago not to give a rat's ass what psychiatrists think. Most of them are idiots and no two of them can agree what day of the week it is.

As for myself I am a baby boomer and got into the system at the age of eight in the mid '50's.

At that time Aspergers didn't exist so I don't know what they made of me.

Many years later I read about Aspergers and thought "Holy cow! That sounds like my father and my son and well.... me too.

I know what I know and I don't need some stranger's opinion.

Although from your profile you did seek out a diagnosis. Non?

It must have been harder in some ways back then but I actually believe that receiving my diagnosis fairly late in life has been a benefit. I now know why certain things will often have me responding in certain ways, without having to fall back on 'oh well, I guess I'm just a bit of a misfit'. Plus I think if I'd have got a diagnosis in my teens or early 20s it could have been really traumatic and had a different effect. It pains me sometimes to see some of the younger members of this forum tying themselves in knots over stuff they will probably (hopefully) learn to accept or find better ways to navigate with experience and time.

Good luck i got diagnosed at 40 and has given me confidence and feeling of self worth.It is nerve wracking but will be worth it try to stop reading about it.
Best wishes
Nigel

Hi general_piffle

I've only just read your post (the first one). I know exactly how you felt. I'm 55 and only just been diagnosed a couple of months back. I faced the diagnostic procedure with the same type of trepidation. I also though, "What if it isn't AS?". That certainly preyed on my mind too. Like you, I'd have been back to square one about what made me behave in a different way to what would be considered 'normal'.

So, I'm pleased to hear that the diagnosis was positive. I also know how difficult it is to find someone who is experienced at adult diagnosis. It definitely makes a difference. At least you know what you are dealing with. It doesn't mean that you aren't AS anymore but it allows you to view things in a different light (and maybe do some things to modify what the outside world sees).

I also know what you mean about promotions. I've always tried to avoid management roles (even though I've sometimes ended up in them for short terms). I now know why I did this. Of course, that has tended to limit the monetary reward. For some reason, companies are prepared to pay managers (even when hopeless) more than a highly skilled and dedicated worker.

Anyway, welcome to WP. There are actually quite a few people here who are supportive and, for want of a better word, loving.

Glad that you're more at ease now that you have a diagnosis!

Eliza

General_piffle: Congratulations on braving the diagnostic process and getting a useful result. I hope the diagnosis becomes the first of many positive steps forward in your life. You sound like you're doing quite well overall, and perhaps now you can do even better.